Disclaimer: this post has no relevance to my current life. In fact I have, as of late, been the opposite of disappointed. I just wish I could say the same for some friends slash acquaintances – hence this post.
Have you ever been disappointed? And (though this is probably a given) I mean because of a relationship issue.
Not like someone didn’t call back after they said they would or blew you off for two complete weeks or canceled plans without any explanation. Those moves result in stark-raving, pissed-off, confused, hurt, and angry.
I’m talking what happens when you’re seeing someone for a few weeks slash months, think it’s going really well, want it to keep going really well, but then one day lob a “want to do Mexican Thursday night?” he says, “Actually, I need to talk to you about something…” and three hours later you’re on the couch of whatever friend picked up first drinking whatever alcohol they had available.
That kind of disappointed. The, uuggh that suuucksss I thought I was donnneee kind.
Right. We all have.
So when they happened did you die? Like did you drop dead of disappointment? Or get really, really sick (outside of the post-sob-fest-hangover)? Did you – like – throw up with disappointment? Like he said, “I don’t think this is going to work out…” and in reaction you threw up all over him? Or maybe you had a full-on temper tantrum? Like threw yourself on the floor in a fit of upset screaming NO, NO, NO! while grabbing onto his leg? Oooh, and then did you hit him? Like punch him a lot and maybe scratch his face a little and then five minutes in realize you fight like a girl and just start crying and begging (again on the floor holding onto the leg)?? This of course all proceeding the two weeks you spent postering every neighborhood he’s ever been in with Kinkos-printed posters of his face reading DICK.
Right. No. Of course you didn’t, because you are an adult who received some disappointing information.
Maayybbee you did some things you might take back upon instant-replay of the ordeal – asked why? more than once…tried to talk him out of it…pretended like you were totally going to break up with him during the same conversation (which, if that’s going to be your move I advise against blurting out whatever break-up line he deals like a 6-year-old playing copycat). But I’m going to venture to guess you did not behave in any of the above ridiculous manners befitting of a child being told it’s time to go to bed before Step by Step comes on.
You can handle being disappointed. We all can.
So then why are people SO terrified of delivering the news that results in that disappointment?
I have know guys and girl who’ve stayed in dead-end relationships with people they don’t like for 6 plus months because they’re too terrified to have a difficult 5-minute conversation. Then there are the people who resort to an e-mail break-up after a year of dating because they can’t bare the thought of doing it in person. Or the real winners – people who are so unhappy in a relationship they can’t find the courage to end that they just start seeing someone else. I know!!-she’ll-find-out-I’m- cheating-and-then-end-it-with-me people.
I’m going to venture to guess that never in the history of a break up has someone dropped dead, passed out or (and please correct me if I’m wrong because I’d LOVE to hear that story…) thrown up on the spot.
I’d also put money on the fact that if one was to get slapped and/or made famous by a couple hundred telephone pole postings, it would be because they didn’t have the a-heems to do it like a man.
So – long rant short – could you please just disappointment us. Make it fast and quick. You can even lie if you want and say it’s not us, it’s you and you’re really, really busy right now, and your last girlfriend destroyed you. I don’t care. Just get it over with in a manner befitting of our relationship instead of dragging us through some thing you know has no future because you’re afraid I’m going to gouge your eyes out if you tell me we’re not going to get married.
I’m telling you, we can handle it.
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Thank you! I couldn’t agree more. The break ups/disappointments that I have had where the dude (albeit a loser because he didn’t want to be with moi!) was totally respectful and mature, I end up never saying a negative thing about them and moving on. Yes, I cry. Yes, I drink. Yes, I makeout with at least one stranger in a bar to “cleanse my palate.” But it is hard to be angry when they handle it well. NOW- the ones with the cheating and the lying and the verbal abuse- those mutha fockers still sleep with one eye open! (kidding! kinda…)
ah, good question. no one likes to be the bad guy. but, i know so many women (including myself) that have turned a break-up into something positive.
Hell, after one break-up I joined massage school and became a massage therapist on a whim.
After my last, I poured all my disappointment into a gym routine and dropped down to a size 6.
After this next one, I will probably summon a unicorn or something.
Bring it on!
i might print this post and keep it in my pocket.
You’re right disappointment isn’t the end of the world. Usually when someone I’m dating does something to disappoint me, I’ll let him know right away instead of getting upset about it. In most cases he didn’t even realize what he did was wrong. If he did purposely do something to hurt me, I would see him for the jerk that he was and move on.
Disappointment is a part of life and it’s up to us to get over it and leave the past behind.
I actually agree and disagree with this one to some extent…I agree that when you’ve been dating someone for a while (even like two or three months) you should really be considerate and talk things out over the phone or in person. I mean, after a decent chunk of time, you kind of have to bear the consequences and accept the anger and whatever else gets thrown at you (including vomit on your shoes)…it’s just the right thing to do. But, when you’ve only gone on a few dates with someone, I don’t think anyone is scared of being thrown up on or punched in the face when they’re delivering bad news. It’s more a matter of not wanting to see (or hear) someone hurting – it’s not comfortable on either end of the conversation. I’ve been on the receiving end of the disappointing news before, and it hurts and I usually handle it really well the moment it happens, but then get confused and sad a few days later. So, as I go through those up and down emotions, I usually do some crazy rationalizing – like, “maybe it’s not that he’s not interested in dating me, he’s just scared of commitment and needs to get to know me better, so maybe if I just hang out with him more, he’ll realize how great I am…” It takes a period of getting over it (usually seeing him with another girl or something), and then I realize, wow I was really crazy for a little while there…he just wasn’t feeling it, and I couldn’t accept that. I’ve also been on the giving end of the disappointment, and it feels terrible for totally different reasons. Usually, when you’ve gone on more than one date with someone, you genuinely like the person in some ways and thought if you gave it a little time, you’d know for sure if the chemistry or whatever else was there…and, when you get to the point where you realize things aren’t going to work out, you really would want to be that person’s friend in a happy perfect world where disappointment and awkwardness didn’t exist. Whatever your reason is for deciding to stop dating the person, you know it’s going to be disappointing and uncomfortable. I know I’m selfish in the sense that I’d rather not have to break the bad news to someone in person or on the phone because it makes me feel like a bad person. I know how it feels to get that news, and for me at least, I feel like something is wrong with me. So, it’s not that I’m scared someone is going to freak out and vomit, it just makes me feel horrible to think I could be making someone else feel like something is wrong with them, when in reality it’s probably just a chemistry or timing thing. So, yes, it’s selfish to want to avoid the verbal discussion…and you’re right; we should lay it all out there and rip it off like a band aid so that the person has the opportunity to move on with their lives. But, I don’t think writing a clear explanation in an email is the worst way to handle it. I mean, yes, it’s less personal…but does it make a difference, if the message is the same? I’ve definitely been given the disappointing news verbally before, but I find that it’s more ambiguous and confusing for me. Because, the person giving the news feels horrible, so when you start saying things like, “really? I thought things were going well” or “I understand” but sound really disappointed…it’s natural for the person to want to make the blow less harsh…so then he might start saying things like, “maybe if the timing was better,” or “you never know what could happen in the future”… blah blah blah…and that just leaves the door open for crazy rationalizing and prolonged disappointment. At least in an email, you can say what you want to say and even if you do it nicely, you don’t start feeling pressure on the spot to say nice things that may not be true. Am I way off base here?
To Anonymous:
You’re not way off base in your intentions, but the result is the same whereas the level of respect is not. Like this post is talking about, the email version isn’t about the person receiving it, but the person sending it. If someone sends an email instead of talking to you face-to-face, that’s not because they will be more effective. It’s because they don’t have the strength to do it in person. You shouldn’t ever settle for getting an email instead of eye contact during a break-up. Perhaps afterward, an email can be a follow-up with all the things that weren’t said, but it can’t be the only.
6+ months? I know people who have stayed in relationships for YEARS because they are chicken shit. great post as usual.
This is brilliant–and certainly just as applicable to women who can’t handle disappointing (I know plenty!) as to men.