As I see and have experienced it, there are three and only three distinct classifications of male – boys, guys, and men.
They have no bearing on age (you can be a boy at 45 and a man at 24), don’t follow a specific progression (you can get to man if you never hit boy), and won’t necessarily stick once they’re hit (you could spend some time as a man but then regress to being a guy again). But as (straight) beings possessing of an X and Y chromosome pass out of college (where nothing counts) and into adulthood (where I’m working on getting a few less things to count, stay tuned), they fall into patterns of being that slot them into one of these three groups.
To be clear – these are my classifications, and I haven’t run them by a healthy survey size of people (unless five is healthy, in which case 100% of the survey set agrees with me). And to be clearer, for the purposes of this post these classifications pertain to the way a given male treats women, meaning you can be a man at the office and a boy in the bedroom. (There was potential for a genius rap line there, but I couldn’t figure it out.)
Here’s my rationale:
Boys are boys. Regardless of how much experience they have with women, they function as if they have little to none. When it comes to decision-making around the female set, they make them with the thinking unit below and not above the belt. They’re more sexual than emotional and more emotional than rational but more rational than compassionate or empathetic. They have the EQ of an eight grader. They get wasted and do dumb shit. They get excited and do dumb shit. They get scared and do the dumbest shit of all.
Boys are usually unfocused and misguided. They may have jobs and passions but they’re not on any logical or mature course relative to either. Ask a boy where he sees himself five years from now, and he’ll laugh in your face. Ask a boy what he thinks about getting married and he’ll ask you if you’re serious with that question.
This doesn’t mean that boys are immature assholes with no sense of past, present or future. They can be sweet and loving. They can be spontaneous and adventurous. They can be responsible and thoughtful. They just can’t be those things unless it’s exactly what they want to be exactly when they want to be it. A boy’s life resolves around himself and whatever he’s planted within arm’s reach from that self. Sometimes that’s because he doesn’t know any better, but as I’ve said to more than one boy in my past life, “you should have watched enough television at this point to know what to do here.” Boys get scared, insecure, or confused and shut down.
Of course none of this means we’ll be any less attracted to a textbook boy.
The first problem is that they don’t always present as boys, which begins to explain why we can fall for them time and time (and time) again. The second problem is that whole inexplicable female attraction to clueless, carefree dudes, especially hot ones. It hearkens back to the if-you-tease-me-I’ll-like-you-more holdover from middle school. We’re not proud of it, but we don’t appear to be evolving out of it.
Guys are a step up in the maturity, responsibility, and consistency department.
Unlike boys, they get it – “it” being the general rules around being in a relationship or at least being good to a woman, they just don’t always want to follow those rules all the time.
The crux of it is that guys can be lame – that catch-all word that means you either decided to or only know how to give 60-75% – to work, to relationships, whatever. It’s like guys have it in them to be incredible men (description to follow), they just can’t get over that hill. Sometimes it’s a condition, sometimes it’s a choice.
Ask a guy where he sees himself in five years and he’ll have a legit answer. Ask him what he thinks about being married and he’ll say something about it meaning his life will be over. Guys get scared, insecure, or confused and do whatever it is that makes that feeling go away as quickly as possible.
You know Paul Rudd’s character in Knocked Up? Got the job and the kids and the really nice house but still goes through that weird and elaborate lie process so he can go do his fantasy football thing? Guy.
Now – the problem with guys is that they represent a major major percentage of the male set. More often than not, a dude is a guy. So by sheer percentage, you’re going to end up with one.
Also, guys maintain enough of that boy thing to be that version of sexy that we’re not proud we think is sexy but enough of that man thing that we all want once we turn 27,8,9?
The line between guy and man is difficult to explain, but you know it when you see it. Men are not lame. With a man you’ll find yourself saying, “wow, I cannot believe how consistently this man does the thing I hope he’ll do.”
He will have direction and focus. He will have a savings account. He will call his parents, even if he doesn’t want to. Men are planners. Ask them where they see themselves in five years and they’ll tell you – even if it’s just a loose idea. Ask them if that includes being married and they’ll say something like – sure, if I meet the right girl.
Men do the wrong thing sometimes. They make mistakes, they get scared, they do dumb shit, they function by desire and not logic. The difference between a man and a guy is 1. the consistency with which he does the wrong thing (that being less) and 2. what he does afterwards (the being the right thing to fix it). Men get scared, confused or insecure and handle it head on – even if their first try at handling it is wrong. Men say, “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” and “what can I do to make it better?”
Remember when Aiden goes to help Miranda get up off the bathroom floor after she threw her back out and he has to deal with that whole she’s-naked awkwardness? Man move. Aiden was a total man.
But – if the question in your relationship is, “I don’t understand why this man I’m dating keeps doing X, Y, and Z” the answer is, he’s not a man. And if the follow up is, “well by your standards, I don’t think real men exist,” you’re wrong.
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Make it 6 – as a 20-nothing female, I totally agree!!
oh totally agree!!! ive been dating “guys” for wayyyy to long. but its prob. because im the female version of one lol. great post
I’m pretty sure I ended up with a man. I’m happy about that. Like how you broke it all down.
Very interesting post. As what would be classified by a man by your rubric, I’d like to confirm we do exist. More often than not though, we’re boring. As somewhat of a side effect of our drive for careers, savings accounts, etc. We aren’t as thrilling and mysterious. Hence the though that we don’t exist, we just get passed over.
I definitely agree! 🙂 Really great post!!! Though some girls are lucky- they start dating a guy and end up with a man. Alas, that’s never me… 🙁 I end up with boys masquerading as men. :S
Such a great post – could not agree more. I’ve dated all three types in the past two years (in NYC, of course)…and I’d say their category becomes obvious sometime around the third date.
Bit cutting for me.
Still, with the utmost of respect, I am left wondering what would happen if a boy, guy, or man would have prepared their own list of classifications like this for the female of the species.
Great post! It was hard not to classify all the xy chromosomes I know while reading.
I’m curious though, you mentioned 50 classifications of females, a number I’m sure you haven’t reached by actual categorization. But it made me think…what ARE the categories of females? It’d be interesting to try and figure it out…
Wow. I try to avoid classifying, but this is right on! I think some can overlap between man and guy as well. I am definitely dating a man, but there are a few situations/areas where I think “Hmmmm, guy!”
But you are 1,000% right about one thing. We don’t all need men. Sometimes a boy/guy/some mutated version of all three is EXACTLY what suits you!
Love this! I totally agree, you broke it down prefectly!
Wow. I thought I’d be offended by this. But I’m not at all.
I was expecting you to describe a totally unrealistic, fantastical mind-reader when you described a man. But when you said that the man will fuck up but try to make it right again, I thought, “Yes! She gets it!” And it was encouraging.
Boys do change into men, but it takes a long time. I think that some women write off boys/guys too quickly and don’t allow them time to evolve into men, and others give boys/guys TOO much leeway. Perhaps a good way to truly check is to see how a guy reacts when YOU fuck up. If his irritation fades and he seems to be on the same page when YOU talk about changing and try to make it up to him, then he’s probably a man at heart.
You’re pretty on point here and I think you give boys/guys/men JUST ENOUGH leeway, which is rare and is awesome. The only thing I’d add, that I think many women don’t think about, is that we’re very much conditioned by you. Many of us have dated “girls” and so our knee-jerk reaction is to treat women like girls. Many women write us off for this without understanding that it’s a big part of what makes us “boys,” and “guys.” Sometimes all we need is an actual woman to refresh us.
Of course, sometimes, boys are still just boys.
@Jessie – What I find interesting, is how critical you were of the Marie Claire article regarding the “12 types of women.” Seems you don’t hold the same standards for generalizations when it comes to women.
Very nice. So if your boyfriend doesn’t meet all your expectations, you can dismiss him as a mere ‘boy’ or ‘guy’. Pretty sure a similar classification of women wouldn’t go down so well.
Its fascinating, how this whole article was about what woman want in males. No one gives a flying one for what male wants. Are women really so narcissistic creatures that this kind of rhetoric is acceptable among females? No wonder western males are disconnecting them selfs from western women at alarming rates.
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chivalry and unabashed desire for bosomy babes between 25 and 40.(My walls are festooned with pictures of busty gals,ESPECIALLY buxom blondes,who are FREQUENTLY eying and pursuing me!!!!!!!,REAL chesty chicks,that is!!!!!
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