I expected a New York City-style hail storm (ouch guys) of hate mail in response to my Duke Sex List opinion piece. Soap-boxing of that variety usually leads to some “who do you think you are” comments – which aren’t necessarily unwarranted.
Not only were those fewer and further between this time, but I got an unexpected message from the father of a college-aged girl containing a line that’s at the wisdom level of a certain Sex and the City episode (slash best-selling book, now wildly disappointing movie).
“Men, at least men I have known including myself, are all, without exception, 16 year old piggish idiots. It doesn’t matter if they are some rich kid jock at Duke or some old guy like me. That’s how we roll. The thing is, the right woman gives us a reason to be better than that. Women are better than we are. They’re supposed to be better and they are. If the right woman doesn’t make a guy want to be a better man then the guy is defective.”
“If the right woman doesn’t make a guy want to be a better man then the guy is defective.”
Let’s leave the “women are better than we are” part out of this and focus on people in general. That’s one hell of a line, but if you break it apart it sort of makes everything make sense.
See people – in general – prefer to do the least amount of work possible to get the most amount of reward. You’d be inclined to use the catch-all adjective “lazy” to describe that disposition, but that’s not really enough. Lazy is about being inactive, procrastinating a lot, sleeping through spin class. You can be lazy as a personality or lazy for an afternoon. You can also be emotionally lazy or professionally lazy. But when it comes to the bigger picture issue at the root of what I think this guy/dad is talking about it’s more than lazy – it’s lame.
Many people – in all of life but especially in relationships – elect not to do or figure out how to do the most ____________ thing. Most loving, most mature, most kind, most considerate, most thoughtful, most constructive – you get the picture. In every issue that comes up – from birthday gifting to how to handle those early Friday night dates to awkward conversations about sex – there is the correct or really-close-to-correct way to handle it, and there is the lame way.
It’s not universal, meaning every relationship is different and every person has different needs. So a person you’re dating can be lame in the general sense (is usually an asshole) or lame in the specific sense (doesn’t care to figure out what you specifically want/like/need and then act on that knowledge).
What I think this man is getting at is that women are more likely to know the correct way to handle things when it comes to relationships. We’re wired that way. Man are less likely to know the correct way and more inclined to try to get away with not figuring it out. In making that decision they are electing to be lame. It’s not a world wide mystery how to handle a stressed out girlfriend or how to behave the first time you meet someone’s parents or how to not be a way bigger douche when a guy you come across is being a pretty big douche. But you have to think about it and then execute on that thought.
So – to the point – if a guy isn’t electing to figure that shit out and thus be less lame around/for/with/to impress a girl – he’s defective. Guys should want to step outside their comfort zone and up their game for a girl who’s worth it. If they’re half-assing it, they’re half into it. If they claim to be fully assing it but still fall into the consistently lame category, they’re defective.
Jack Nicholson said it in one pretty damn romantic sentence – “you make me want to be a better man.”
Bottom line – straight from a wise elder – it’s possible. So if it isn’t happening, it isn’t going to.
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Definitely true. Guys who don’t want to change aren’t going to- that’s where most girls go wrong. But to be forgiving of guys who want to change? Like pimping, it’s not easy, but it’s necessary!
gosh! you’re such a good writer! enjoyed this piece and the one at lemondrop. we need more voices like yours!
Love this!
“Men are, without exception, 16-year-old piggish idiots.” No debate there, but one question: Why? Why don’t they grow up?
So annoying.
Was a big fan of your piece, by the way!
That’s a really good breakdown of that guy’s comment, it’s too true. Guys also (wait for it) WANT women to help them. They do want to be more ____ and they want us to make them do it. Just a tiny bit of something I’ve picked up 😉
I think that one line (be it as it was said by Jack or as explained by your reader) perfectly explains the truth of the matter.
Jessie – i find this theory interesting and is something I’ve really heard of before. After reading your column last night though, I read this NYTimes article today about Daryl Strawberry and in it says:
After two failed marriages, Mr. Strawberry said he has learned to listen to his wife. “We, as men, we take that for granted and don’t realize that they are there for a reason — to help guide us,” he said. “When it all boils down to it, we are so stupid.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/14/fashion/14upclose.html?ref=fashion
what are the chances? 🙂 And how had I not heard about this before?!
hope all is well in LA.
I like that. It’s kind of like the right girl is the magic ingredient that makes the whole recipe come together. And if you’re not the right ingredient, you should just bow out. Because chili pepper in your pancakes isn’t really good for anyone.
http://operatingonrandom.blogspot.com
Great post and a very interesting subject! I do agree that I have made my hubs a better man, but without a doubt, he has also made me a better woman. In my opinion it is both parties willingness to adapt that makes a successful relationship!