There are catch-phrases of the dating and relationship world that we throw around without thought:
- You know, it’s just that I’m a giver and he’s a taker
- The reason she’s needy is because she’s immature
- Some people just need to fight to really communicate
And, the most oft-used of the bunch:
- I’m just a/she’s such a/we’re all really guarded at first
There are guarded men, but it’s generally a female-associated term. Probably because the assumption is that all men are guarded, which is why, “I’m just a sensitive guy” exists as a disclaimer.
You tend to hear (slash say) it in this half apologetic/half not tone – like it could just as easily be, “I’m sorry, I’m just really bad Excel…” It’s like, “and while I feel bad/weird about that, I believe it’s very far out of my control and am probably not going to change, so if you need whatever it is that Excel does, best to move on.”
I know. You’re thinking, being guarded is a personality trait and not understanding a computer program is just something you have to learn. Put your mind to it, and you can be an Excel wiz the likes of any accountant friend. “Guarded” is who you are deep down, not some skill or tool you’re missing.
Turns out that’s not true, though that was my line of thinking too for the entire duration of time I was (and really still mostly am) a guarded woman. (note: I’m trying to use the term woman more – instead of girl – because according to Elements of Style any girl over the age of 18 should be referred to as a woman. For the record, it feels ridiculous).
As the phrase reared its cliched head again most recently – prompted, yes, by a new relationship in which my guard serves little if not negative purpose – I started to think about exactly what being guarded really means.
What kinds of things happen to us to build that emotional fortress in the first place? And what’s the worst thing – in our minds – that can happen if we just let it go from the start?
The easiest question first – where does that guard come from?
The way I see it you can be guarded as a result of an experience, guarded as a personality or the very dangerous combination of both.
Scenario one: you’ve been lead on time and time again by people who welcome you in then let you loose at whip lash speed. Just as soon as you make yourself vulnerable, emotional, a real partner in a relationship the other half runs for the hills, scared off from your “seriousness.”
This is a common issue in 20-something pairings. Girl meets boy (or vice versa), girl makes clear how much she likes boy, boy leaves girl. This is why we do the dance and play the games – it’s all in an effort to leave someone before they leave us first. After time all that rejection slash confusion builds up a wall of I’m-not-going-to-do-it-first(s) – tell you how much I like you, ask you where this is going, welcome you into my life fold, what have you. And, voila, we’ve moved over to the dark side.
In scenario two, being guarded isn’t a direct result of relationship experience, but rather life experiences (trust issues from experiencing a divorce as a child/seeing negative relationship examples) or simple disposition (low self-esteem leading to an unwillingness to let someone in because you assume everyone’s going to leave you). You’ve never personally been wronged, but you assume that is what will happen if you do x, y, or z. That or you still worship Felicity to the point of modeling her every move (which I’m not judging).
Most commonly though – it’s the deadly combo. You’re inclined to go guarded and so every hint of an experience in the vein the would inspire it digs your hole deeper and deeper.
In an effort to understand my own guarded nature I took to a word doc (I’m sorry, I’m just really bad at Excel) and listed out the relationships I thought had turned me guarded. Then I sat and really thought about the logical progression of those situations, how wronged I’d really been, and if I had to do it all over again how being more guarded from the very start would have protected me.
Which is how I came to the conclusion that there’s a fourth category of guarded women…
See, I haven’t really, truly been wronged to the point of swearing off vulnerability entirely. Yes, I’ve had guys pull a surprise turn in what seemed like a happily progressing relationship, but I don’t think that was because I went lovey-dovey before they were ready. And yes, I’ve heard and seen tales of people falling victim to situations where being a bit guarded would have saved them, but when I think about why I hold back in a relationship, why I fear the steps of real commitment, and why questions like, “would you call him your boyfriend” make me nervous it’s far more about control than vulnerability (yes, they’re intertwined, but hear me out).
There is the type of guard that goes up defensively (as a direct result of hurt) and the type of guard that goes up offensively (as a result of being the kind of person who only knows how to play for the offense…).
I’m that version. A moderate control freak with a some minor perfectionism issues and a slight discomfort with anything involving failure. I’m methodical, rational, and generally ceremonial about things I take seriously. It took me one full year from the time I decided I should probably move to Los Angeles to actually get myself there. I feel most comfortable when planning out events three to four months in the future, emailing the details of those plans to myself, and filing that e-mail in a specifically labeled folder.
It’s not that I don’t know how to be vulnerable or that I necessarily think being vulnerable is going to make a man run away, it’s that I’ve scheduled vulnerability for week six, and it’s only week three.
In my mind relationships should progress at a very specific pace, and in my plans, I control said pace. Part of that is because I’m fiercely independent and hesitant to bring too much “we” into my “I” – but most of it is because rejiggering my mental state to relationship mode takes a controlling person like me much longer, even when all signs point to, let this guy in. (“all signs” in my case represented by a phone call from Katie saying, “Don’t #$%!& this up!).
I think being guarded can be very fair, very logical, and very much out of our control. But I think there has to come a time in the beginning of every relationship that feels different than the rest where you say, “I’m acting this way because I _________” – am conditioned to/am legitimately worried/am not sure how I feel/know no other way to act.
And, in my experience, if you can get to the point of saying it directly to the person, you’ll find out just how worthy they are of you letting your guard down.
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Wow! What a topic! Too much to think about and say for a comment section.
I’ve also given this topic a lot of thought from various perspectives over a decent amount of time. One conclusion (and yes there are many) I have come to, is that being “guarded” can sometimes trigger the actions that cause us to be guarded in the first place.
They say what you put into the universe is what you get back. If a person believes this, then an opportunity to let their guard down may not obviously represent itself. That is something that the person needs to consciously change, and redirect their path.
I saw a manifestation of this in one of my last relationships. I was (sometimes still am) very guarded. I think it’s a result of certain circumstances I’ve encountered, but also the effect of growing up in a guarded household; I never learned any other way. So when my ex would complain about how I didn’t open up, I blew him off. (Often using the “this is the way I am and this is what I can offer you, take it or leave it” line that you mentioned!)
Down the road my guard kept us at such a different that communication eroded (or never developed) and I found out he had been cheating on me for two years. I don’t for one second blame my guard for his actions, but I can recognize how the wall between us pushed us to a place for that to potentially occur.
Now I always try to push my guard down whenever possible. I was VERY LUCKY to have met people who forced me to do it just enough for me to recognize how wonderful it was to be vulnerable. You don’t realize how many emotions (good and bad) you are missing when you keep vulnerability at bay!
Now that I’ve started, I think I’ll be posting a blog entry about this within a couple days!
Excellent post Jessie! Love it… and SUCH SUCH SUCH key topic for people our age! Fantastic! (Hope the introduction of this topic means you have a fantastic reason to let your guard down 😉 )
I’m not a guarded person so I won’t comment on that, but I feel similarly about using the word “woman.” I’m 25 and technically no longer a little girl, though I feel silly describing myself as a woman. Maybe I’ll stick to “lady.”
Does anyone remember Shrek, when he was in the field convincing Donkey that he was like an onion because of all of his layers? Well, Shrek and communication scholars Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor have that same theory. What does this have to do with this post though? Well, the layers of an onion explain why people are naturally guarded.
Altman and Taylor explain that each person has multiple layers and in order to get to know a person well, we peel back layers so that we are getting depth and breadth of a person.
From the outside layer in, we start with disclosing biographic information, then personal preferences, then goals, then religion, values and morals, then fears and desires, and finally our own self concept.
As we get deeper and deeper into each other’s layers, our self disclosure naturally slows down, building these “walls.” If someone digs deeply into one area of our life, we tend to put up walls around the other areas because we didn’t “do it the right way.”
As you stated, there are different reasons why we put up these walls, some are because of romantic relationships gone wrong, and others are because of other life experiences.
The thing is, we can’t say there are 2 types of people, guarded and unguarded, because we are all guarded. It’s just a matter of how abruptly we slam on the breaks.
So, to bring this conversation full circle, Shrek. While Shrek built a wall up in front of, say goals (the third layer in), Donkey didn’t have a wall until we’ll say in fears and desires (second to last).
Their relationship could bring us to idea of false-closeness (same theory) but that is for another day.
Sources: Professor Dunn’s notes on Social Penetration Theory
Griffen, Em., A First Look at Communication Theory (7th ed.): chapter 9
That was a really helpful entry. I stumbled accross it while searching for info. on dealing with a very guarded person.
A friend recently told me he is that way because of past relationships and hurts.
I’m not sure what the perfect response is to this but because of his honesty and directness I have been able to move slower and hopefully make him more comfortable.
This is my first experience in caring for someone that is extremely guarded. It’s challenging but I’m willing to work at it because I love him.
Getting to know him has taught me things about myself that I never realised for instance I can be very impatient and I often need reassurance. I had previously not seen those sides of myself.
While I could view this in the negative, I’m looking at it as a positive because he’s bettering my ability to communicate effectively with different kinds of people.
Wow it’s as if I wrote this post myself! I am an extremely guarded person because of being hurt by someone. I found your post when searching for something to help me understand why my boss took me into her office today telling me that I’m a “hard person to read.”
When it comes to friendships and relationships I can never seem to trust anyone enough to let them in and get to know me. I’m afraid of them abandoning me just like the person I really cared about did. Good post!
You’re a horrible writer.