- “It’s like she becomes whoever it is she’s dating,” C said over one, plate-sized ricotta-stuffed ravioli with a fried egg on top (trust me – it’s perfection).
- “Like a chameleon,” R said, probably because chameleons are lizards and lizards are like dinosaurs and dinosaurs are second only to trucks in coolness to a boy, I’m told.
- “Hmmm, chameleon daters…” I said, “…there’s a blog post in that…”
And so goes every group dinner I’ve attended since 2007.
The concept is as simple as C’s one-line evaluation. There are people who adopt the elements of the person they’re dating to the point of transformation. Sometimes it’s a one-time-only deal – someone falls into a new relationship unlike any they’ve been in before and a whiplash 180 in mannerisms, personality, likes, dislikes, political party (not kidding, knew a girl) results. But in general, chameleon-dating is a chronic issue – an M-O of the relationship variety. These types end up with slight to drastically different partners from one pairing to the next and, as if suddenly cast in the role of __________’s ____friend, become enveloped in the significant other’s every life detail ala the 1996 definition of a poser.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with a natural melding of two lives. At a base level attraction is about liking similar things. The next logical step – the becoming a couple part – is finding the “we” mutually pulled from your individual lives. We love hiking. We love sushi. We love making plans three to six weeks in advance then adding in little details through careful research during the weeks leading up execution of the original plan.
But most of that works because it starts from a place of shared interest. Chameleon daters change their interests throughout the dating process. A meat-lover goes vegetarian. A club scene devotee switches to indie rock. Someone who was always dressed to the nines now opts for casual jeans and T’s. Suddenly they love watching football or can’t get enough karaoke or think flea markets are awesome.
Not that football or karaoke or flea markets aren’t something one should learn to find awesome. It’s the near hypocrite nature of the chameleon-dater’s switch that’s troublesome. So, two months before the new beau arrived camping was a bug-infested freak-fest for people who have no interest in a good night’s sleep. Now they’ve dropped bank on REI supplies, tweet links to new-found hiking trails, and strong-arm everyone who’ll listen into joining. “We just love to camp,” the chameleon dater says, “thank god we crazy kids found each other!”
So you see the “what” of it. Now here are some suggestions on the why, all of which exist in fine line territory for a number of reasons:
- A person has a less-than defined personality to begin with, so any coupling is going to see them take back seat to the lifestyle of their new other half. This is less chameleon dating and more what I like to call sheep dating. It’s not that sheep want to be the shepherd, it’s that they need something to follow. Pardon the elementary school metaphor.
- A person is exaggerating/lying about how alike they and their ____friend have become. In this scenario the camper is secretly miserable and planning Troop Beverly Hills-style escape strategies while smiling out of the other side of their mosquito-bitten face. This is the two-faced dater. A relationship criminal far more dangerous than the chameleon dater. They’re not transformers; they’re pathological liars.
- A person sees that their new significant other is really, truly better than them in many ways and decides mimicking their every move is actually a smart life strategy, regardless of the relationship. In this scenario the person remains categorized as a chameleon but with the slight differentiation of, “and thank god because they needed to make some changes…”
So have you done it? Are you doing it now? Or, in the case of bullet point number three, should you maybe consider doing it next time?
9 comments
Comments are closed.
i feel that i have done it to an extent. but the person i was with openly did/expressed things that i had always wanted to. i felt it was a balance. after it was all said and done i feel that i have adapted the positives from my perspective and left the bad behind.
This is a sad reminder that I’m dating my career. I mold my resume, twitter account and cover letters to meet the personalities of organizations I potentially want to work for. I’m currently employed but looking to break out onto something new. Looking at a position at PETA and thinking, “Yea sure I could go vegetarian.”
Ohh- this is a hard one! I don’t believe that I have EVER been a chameleon…blame it on my “big personality” or my natural “sass,” but I have never been much for following.
BUT- I have temporarily *tried* to in the past when I dated musicians. Two guys in particular- I had absolutely no interest in the CDs they gave me or passion for the shit they listened to…but I loved them. And they loved their music. So I TRIED really hard to love their music.
And both times I almost thought I did…then we broke up and I happily chucked all Irish fiddle music and progressive trance music off my iPod forever.
Interesting topic, and I agree with your assessment. There is such thing as mimicking out of flattery to a certain extent, but if you don’t have your own opinions, you eventually become a duplicate of your significant other.
I think all of us to it to some extent. I have a friend who was once talking to me and she said a certain phrase and I just stared at her for a second. She sounded exactly like her boyfriend. Same word choice, same inflection. It was almost creepy.
I’ve been a chameleon dater in the past… and it has been interesting. I’ve never lacked for personality, but I have lacked in self-esteem. I was the sort of girl who would date a guy if he was interested simply because I couldn’t imagine that there would be another… and then “trade up” when the opportunity presented itself. I’m not proud of it. However, by dating these different men and changing my tastes (if not my personality) to match, I tried out a lot of things I normally might not have. Atheism, screen writing, Goth culture, BDSM… I’ve discovered that I do like some of those things (although Atheism ate my soul for a while… I’m agnostic but spiritual). However, the question is, was it worth the price? I’m not sure. The course of my life changed a lot by all of the changes I made, and it’s taken a lot of work to “find myself” again. I took a year + off relationships and focused on finding out what made ME tick. There were some pitfalls along the way (changing myself for a crush), but I feel like myself (and happy to be me) for the first time in a long time. The funny thing is that once I really started being myself, I found a guy that I’m actually really headover for, and I didn’t need to change a damn thing. We really share mutual interests, and he loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be. It’s not easy getting my life back track to one that’s suited to me, but it’s doable and I’m working on it. So I guess the moral is chameleon daters can reform… and probably should, but it ain’t easy. 😉 It is, however, worth it.
The better question is not, “Am I one?” but how do you get your friend to realize s/he is?
Will you please post a blog response to this question? Because, from experience, no one wants to be told by an outside party that she is a chameleon-dater.
My first thought was, “Some people genuinely discover a new interest through dating another person, and it’s unfair to call them posers.” The best example I can think of is being someone who swears by public transit and claims to hate driving… and after years of no driving, dates someone who likes driving, and actually gets to appreciate how much less stressful it can sometimes be in comparison to riding the train/bus. I wouldn’t call that person a poser. It’s a thin line.
That was my initial reaction to this post. But then I realized that’s not who you’re talking about- some people really are chameleons who take on other’s personalities for lack of wanting to get to know themselves. I just think it’s good to be careful about separating them from those who *actually* discover new things about themselves through people they date.
Surprise surprise, the person from the driving examples is me. I no longer speak to said girl who drives, but I still dislike driving less than I used to.
I think its a case of needing acceptance, and/or trying to find your own identity. Ive done it with people in the past. I have a very open-minded and easily adaptable personality. I’m always up for trying new things so when someone I dated “loved” doing something, I’d give it a go.
I’m kinda grateful that I adapted. If I hadn’t Id never have started yoga or snowboarding — two of my most favorite activities.
I think in most cases its not a positive trait, to be a chameleon dater… but if it makes you feel good to be part of a team, even if means doing something you wouldn’t have otherwise, go for it, I guess??