Forget about whether or not you, yourself are a chameleon dater. What do you do if your friend is downright chronic? How do you make her realize the ridiculousness slash wrongs of her ways?
Good question. Tricky answer.
I think the best method is to orchestrate a very carefully constructed conversation of the lead-the-horse-to-water approach. Get your friend to see just how much she’s changed by pointing at specific shifts she’ll have no choice but to recognize.
Below is a sample convo written as a scene for another project I’m working on, but the gist of the method is the same. Pointed questions that slowly but surely make your position clear as day without you ever having to say, “your entire personality changes the minute you start dating someone new” or, in the case of this scene, “you’re dating an absolute douche.”
Enjoy!
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LIFE SCRIPTS: scripted options for adult conversation. Note: some of these have not been tested – sober.
Explaining to your good friend that her boyfriend of 1+ years is a douche.
Cast:
YOU: you good friend who has a very high threshold of patience.
HER: your good friend who, frankly, doesn’t think Cirque de Soleil and Tony Danza, and using Evite, and summer straw hats are gay.
Scene: You two at Sunday brunch after a particularly significant fight between HER and him.
HER
Ugh – he drives me crazy sometimes, but you know, I love him, so, what can I do…
YOU
Mmmm…true…but – you know – sometimes you have to think about what exactly you love about him if you’re going through a time when you’re finding someone really bothers you a lot.
HER
What do you mean?
YOU
I just mean that I feel like you hear about people who say, “well he does _______ to me, buuut I love him,” and I feel like a therapist would say, “tell me exactly what you love about him.”
HER
Are you saying I need to see a therapist?
YOU
Oh – no – god no – sorry. I mean, you’re welcome to see a therapist if you feel like you’re – I don’t know – having trouble really seeing things clearly, but it seems like you’re not, so no. I’m just saying that sometimes we think we’re sure about something but our viewpoint is – I don’t know – clouded.
HER
So you think my viewpoint is clouded about him?
YOU
No – no – I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that if what I’m hearing is that x, y, and z really, really bothers you about him, then it might be helpful to weight those difficult aspects of him against his overall person and determine what you like and what you don’t.
HER
But why would I do that?
YOU
Well, to see if you guys are really a good couple.
HER
Do you think we’re not really a good couple??
YOU
No – again – not at all saying that. I’m just hearing what you’re saying and thinking “hhmm, that’s curious. My good friend is really troubled when her boyfriend behaves in this given list of manners. Wonder if she should take a pause and think about the two of them and their relationship a little more closely.”
HER
Take a pause like break up??
YOU
No – no – not like “break up” – just – I don’t know – take a pause… Like how about every time you feel compelled to say, outloud, “he is such an asshole” – maybe write that down in some form of little journal? And then next to it note why you feel he’s a fucking asshole – what behavior of his made you conclude that about him? And then after, say, a month or so, count how many times you’ve written that down and take a look at how that list makes you feel?
HER
Hhmmm.
YOU
Like – right now say – if we were to start a list. Can you think of the last few times you said that or something like that about him?
HER
Um….
YOU
I mean, I’m not trying to..
HER
…no – wait – I’m counting…
YOU
Okay – sorry – I really don’t mean to meddle…it’s just that I hate to see you frustrated, that’s all. And I feel like maybe sometimes it’s hard to realize that you’re frustrated when you’re in it because – I don’t know – there’s sex and stuff and that’s nice and…
HER
Okay.
YOU
Okay?
HER
5.
YOU
Okay – so that’s good – you’ve felt that way about him or maybe said that he was a fucking asshole 5 times since you’ve been together…so now…
I love this! I think this can work for an intervention for a friend who can’t be alone…she is chronically jumping head first into relationship after relationship and I think that is unhealthy… Please script my life! Thanks! 🙂
I love this! I think this can work for an intervention for a friend who can’t be alone…she is chronically jumping head first into relationship after relationship and I think that is unhealthy… Please script my life! Thanks! 🙂