It happened again last night.

One of the girls we were with pulled me aside and said, “you need to tell him to set me up with one of his friends.

The “him” is Robby, and yes I’ll eventually explain both that back and current story.

For purposes of this post you should know that he is the kind of guy who inspires your girlfriends to pull you aside and say, “you need to tell him to set me up with one of his friends.”

We say that when believe we’ve identified a good man who we believe may know other good men. In our minds it’s as simple as, good men attract good men meaning this good man will know a good man for me. Sort of like how if you make one “IT” friend you seem to immediately find yourself wrapped up in a whole group of people with access to insane things like infinity pools and midnight Prince concerts with a 20 person guest list. Sort of.

In theory, it makes perfect sense. On a macro-level – like-minded people make the best friends. And on a specific level – good guys tend to have a low tolerance for guys of the major asshole variety. Plus if they’re good by nature then they’ll surely want to do things for the benefit of others and, given the value they obviously place on relationships, will want one of those things to be organizing a set up between a girlfriend of their girlfriend and a guy among their group.

Unfortunately it’s not only that that’s faulty logic but also that there are a whole host of other male-specific issues at play that prevent even the best of guys from ever being able to set you up.

Here’s some of that whole host:

1. Guys don’t make the kind of snap assessments that girls do about a person’s entire personality.

I can spend five minutes with a girl and tell you the kind of guy I think she should be with for the rest of her life. I may be (will be…) wrong, but that’s irrelevant. The first thing most guys will say when you say, “come on…don’t you know someone for _________ to date??” is, “I don’t feel like I know ________ well enough to say who she should be dating.” Then we say something like, “of course you know her well enough! Brown hair, works in TV, likes music, from Pennsylvania, is always the one at the party trying to clean shit up even though it isn’t her house – what’s the issue?!” I know what you’re thinking – ugh, I know who always-the-one-at-the-party-trying-to-clean-shit-up should be with!! You know what most guys are thinking? When is she cleaning shit up? I never see her doing that. Or are you just exaggerating again?

2. Good guys aren’t necessarily friends with other good guys.

Qualities people look for in friendship are not always equal to qualities people look for in relationships. Of course we should all only be friends with really good people with solid moral standing who treat members of the opposite sex with nothing but respect and chivalry, but obviously we’re not or we we’d all have slipped into angelic couplings and be living happily and without need for set ups. Nice guys can be friends with jerks, just like the rest of us. They can also be friends with guys who make fantastic friends and not-great boyfriends outside the “asshole” category.

3. In the case where great guys do have great guy friends, many of them are already in relationships on account of, they’re great.

I wish there was a but here, but there isn’t. I’m sorry.

4. In general, guys really hate setting people up.

Or rather, the idea of it given how little it’s actually done. Setting people up is risky and tricky and often leads to disappointment on the part of multiple parties. Setting the girlfriend of your girlfriend up with a friend of yours is all that risk plus the added potential for both your girlfriend and your buddy to be really upset with you. Guys fear those scenarios independent of each other. The potential combination is a disaster.

5. Sometimes the message doesn’t quiiite get passed along…

I want to make very clear that this is not what happened the other night and isn’t, in general, what happens if you ask me to ask a guy to find someone for you. In general, I will pass that message along and see where the cards fall. But, if I had to speak on behalf of all women kind I might admit that sometimes we see the writing on the wall, know our guy has no chance of making a solid match, and decide it’s best to leave well enough alone. Bottom line: we have enough factors at play to mess up our own relationships. Many of us don’t need the additional stress of a set-up gone wrong between our camp and theirs’.

I realize this post is simply 800+ words that all essentially say, “you now have one fewer means to meet good men,” but I think it’s best for us to all head out into the field fully aware of what forces out can help us navigate the battle to eventually win the war. Sadly I’m saying your friends’ boyfriend is not one of them.

Tomorrow – why your gay friend is, if some important ground rules are set.