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Most girls live for the so-do-you-think-we-should-we-be-exclusive? conversation. They bite their tongues on the issue from the moment they’re sure he’s a contender to the moment they finally break down and ask.
Most girls are dying to say, “this is my boyfriend __________” or “my boyfriend and I were at ____________” or “ugh, do you know what my boyfriend is making me do this weekend??”
Which is why the very small percentage of them – fine – us who bristle at the B-word feel like freaks for preferring the single-centric life. It’s not that they don’t want a boyfr… guy – it’s just that relationships make things all complicated and potentially messy and maybe eventually painful and all together less controllable than life as a party of one. Right?
Recent events have made me more thoughtful about why the idea of saying, “yes, let’s be exclusive” scares the beejesus out of some girls. What exactly is so terrifying? Does it have anything to do with the specific guy? Does any of the neurosis hold any water? And how similar are the fears of a non-committal woman to those of her male counterpart?
Here, in brief and with little-to-no science, is my assessment:
· She’s Just Not That (fill in the blank) 75% of the time, if a girl says she just isn’t sure she wants to be exclusive it’s because she just isn’t sure she wants to exclusive with this guy. She might not know that, but her inner circle will. It’s a stretch to say that women have strong enough instincts to know when they can’t say no to a relationship, but much of the time that’s true. This explains all those I-was-the-most-independent-girl-in-the-world-until-I-met-______________ stories.
· Burn Me Once…Then there are the times where the fate of this guy is resting on all the issues with A, B, and C guys prior. It’s not always easy to detach the results of relationships past with the prospect of the relationship present. Women who have been cheated on often fall into this category. It’s a trust issue, and unfortunately it has zero to do with the current man’s level of trustworthiness. No that’s not fair, but it’s also not controllable.
· If it takes her 45 minutes to pick an outfit then – Sometimes a girl honestly just can’t decide – on a anything from a pretend outfit to an all-too-real man. A million factors could be at play here, but if the girl in question resides in one of our nation’s more option-filled cities she may suffer from a simple case of shiny ball syndrome. Sure he’s great, but what if I meet someone tomorrow who’s better?
· The Compulsive Interviewer – She’s not all together unlike The Indecisive, but in this case the delay is because the interview is incomplete. For some girls the decision to lock it down requires the man in question to make it through an exhaustive list of challenges deeming him worthy of the task. It’s not as vicious as it sounds. For this girl it’s less about finding perfection and more about not making a mistake she’ll have to deal with later. Or, as one friend brilliant put it, “it’s a lot easier to tell someone you’re going in a different direction than to fire them off the job.”
· The Allure of the Single Girl There is something about the power of being a single, professional woman navigating life without the aid of a knight in shining armor, and I’m going to go so far as to say that the perceiving world agrees. Single girls are always available, always game, easily as much one of the girls as one of the guys. Being unattached gives them the freedom to move about as they see fit – no compromises, no obligations, and no people to disappoint because work comes first. And yes, there’s a reason this section is longer than the others…
So to the women out there who fall into any of the above categories I say, you’re not alone. You’re probably not exhibiting the healthiest behavior and might want to seek the counsel of a trusted professional and/or your mother, but you’re not alone.
And to the men out there wondering how the hell they ended up with someone less commitment-centric than they are I say, bear with us – please. If it’s right, we’ll get there with time.
…and then just when you least expect it, we’ll finally tell the Internet we have a boyfriend.
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thank you! so sick of hearing he’s just not that into you…well, guess what, sometimes she just isn’t into it either.
Hit the nail on the head
Boys and girls alike should be intelligent and in touch enough to realize when their “other” just isn’t that into them.
“It’s a trust issue, and unfortunately it has zero to do with the current man’s level of trustworthiness. No that’s not fair, but it’s also not controllable.”
I disagree. How a person treats someone else is absolutely controllable. If a person has enough self-awareness to know that they are treating someone unfairly because of a past grievance, then they have the power to stop doing it. If you think you’re crazy then you’re not.
Obviously this is an issue for some women, but I don’t think they should get a free pass because they can’t deal with their own emotions/reactions to an entire gender (goes for men too).
Off topic, but I just read your piece about appearing on the Suze Orman show. Very cool. I’d be so nervous to talk to her! But I think she’s awesome. Twenty dollars a month on jewelry…could it be Forever21? I’m guilty of that one myself. I am not in debt, but I do like to shop. oopsies
I second what Erin said. I think that a person should at least say, “Please don’t take it personally when I do that,” or something of the sort. I think that’s the best way to control it, since it’s incredibly hard to just “snap out of” past issues.
After reading the list – which makes total sense to me – I think that the way out of this madness, for boys and girls, is to really own up to not wanting to lose someone but also not being that into them. I don’t even think we should say to each other, “I’m not that into you but I want to stay with you,” as much as just not hold someone up to high standards if we don’t want to date them.
Eg: I know a girl is not “the one” because of how much shit she talks about other girls. Instead of calling her out for it, I’d be better off ignoring it and then breaking it off later.
I feel like if we all followed that rule, we’d have a lot less headaches and commitment-issues. But since so many of us get high on not being alone, we create crazy inconsistent chains of “yes, but” in our heads.
Oh man, seeing my last comment, I’m a little confused by it.
When I said, ‘I don’t even think we should say to each other, “I’m not that into you but I want to stay with you,” as much as just not hold someone up to high standards if we don’t want to date them,’ by date, I meant, be in a relationship with them.
Basically, I think that the situation many of us often get into where we don’t want to break up and be alone but we don’t want it to be ‘official’ with the person we’re with is difficult no matter how you cut it.
BUT I also think that maybe we could make it a little better if we make sure not to hold people we don’t want to be ‘official’ with up to the standards of ‘official’ people. I think that many of us hold people up to high standards whether or not we really feel that strongly about THEM, and I think that this is where a lot of the heartbreak in “unofficial” situations stems from.
a really good post, i liked it a lot! lovely blog overall i must admit, xoxo
victoria
http://the-dazed.blogspot.com/
What if you fall into more than one of these? 😉
What about the “I’m too insecure to believe I deserve you.” More of a college/early 20s type girl who isn’t as confident.