People warned me about the L.A. dating scene long before I moved here:
- “It’s the absolute worst,” they said.
- “Everyone is just using everyone else to get ahead,” they said.
- “Plus it’s like high school here! The social circle is so small that you can’t hook up with anyone without is being total town news.”
All valid complaints, but par for the course in the 20-something city scene as far as my research can tell. I’ve heard similar issues from people living in Manhattan, Chicago and Miami. Big cities breed picky daters, social climbers, and tight networks you don’t want to infiltrate with a bad reputation.
Since moving to L.A. I’ve had the chance to conduct a much more detailed analysis of the dating customs (albeit from a second hand perspective). I don’t have a lot of perspective on the degree to which people are using each other to get ahead (though it seems logical) or to what degree this place is just like high school (though every single person I know before I moved here did know exactly who R was before we officially started dating). But what I have seen as a bizarrely ubiquitous problem is that fact that people often don’t know whether or not whatever they’re going on is a date. Comments like this are the above-the-norm:
- “He invited me to drinks but I’m not sure if it’s just to talk about what we have in development for pilot season.”
- “She seems cool but I know she’s trying to make the jump from agency to studio like I did, so I’m not sure what last Thursday was really.”
- “It was totally flirty but then the check came and he goes, ‘you can expense this, right?'”
There is a city-wide epidemic of not knowing whether or not a date is in fact a date. Said one 20-something industry exec, “To my Mom it’s like I’m dating all the time, but a date isn’t always a date here.”
I know. It doesn’t seem like that makes any sense, but picture the following scenario:
You, a 26-year-old female junior executive working in development at a television network are in constant contact with dozens of like-aged male executives working at talent agencies or management firms. For those unfamiliar with the structure of the business, an agent or manager makes it a point to develop relationships with television executives sos to get their clients work at said networks. It’s more complicated than that, but you get the picture.
So one of these male executives invites you to drinks on a Thursday night. You have a typical to flirty relationship with said executive making it easy to feel like, “there’s something there…”
Said drinks occur, they go incredibly well, you get along splendidly, and he picks up the tab.
Was that a date?
Chances are no, but chances are if you’re a 26-year-old junior exec you were savvy enough to know that. Where it gets tricky is when that repeats several times without a clear indication of doing future business together. Or when it starts our business-flirty and turns flirty-flirty. Or when he barely mentions business throughout the entire maybe-date. All very gray area, and apparently all too common here in LaLa Land.
The cynic/realist in me wants to say – if it’s a date or he wants it to be a date he’ll let you know. He’ll invite you to parties with his friends or brunches outside the work week or take you to events as an obvious plus one.
“Oh, all that happens,” another female friend explained, “And some.”
In that case, maybe they were right. Maybe L.A. really is the worst 20-something dating scene in the country. Unless I’ve only come across individuals with an inability to decipher a date.
What do you think, fellow Los Angelenes? And how much are you rolling your eyes right now, rest of the country?
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I think the dating scene is similar in San Francisco… Your idea that big cities breed picky daters is spot on.
That sounds pretty par for the course for our generation, big city or no. I’ve noticed this tendency of people who live especially in LA and NYC to chalk everything up to the all-pervasive whatever it is about their city when I think sometimes things are just much, much simpler. Ours is a generation that doesn’t date. No big news here.
I agree that LA can be bad for dating – if you work in entertainment, any party or event you go to is filled with people you probably want to network with and don’t want to cause any unneeded awkwardness with. I will say though that I am always astonished by friends of mine who spend all their time “getting drinks” and such. First of all, I never even got the point of drinks (I mean, after work, I’m hungry, I want dinner, not a drink!). Second of all, I don’t think it’s healthy to focus so much on these sorts of things that maybe/just might/possibly help your career (but probably won’t). Have your own circle of friends that you genuinely like, spend time hanging out with them, and weed out the people who you just keep around for networking purposes (keep in touch, sure, but you don’t need to hang out with them). Secondly, who wants to date someone that you interact with for work all the time? I think this is why you have to meet people from outside of your work circle, whether it’s through online dating, clubs, sports leagues, religious groups, whatever. At the end of the day though, it’s hard to feel too sorry for the people who are worrying about their networking drinks and whether they counted as a date. If a guy really wanted to, he could just come out and say “hey, you seem really cool – let’s see a movie sometime and not talk about work stuff.” But hey, I agree – LA is tough, and the people here can be lame. The good news is that nice/cool people tend to attract other nice/cool people, so you have to find them and stop hanging out with douchebags.
Haha I’d say Miami has the worst dating scene… essentially there is no dating scene! But I could totally see how that work/date thing would be confusing! A lot of 20 something people in Miami don’t work at all – or they are “promotors” “realtors” or “models” haha – making the dating scene even more bleak :/
I prefer to believe that life in L.A. is exactly like it is portrayed in the movie “Swingers” with Vince Vaughn. You’re so money, you don’t even know it!
If you kiss, it’s a date. If no one’s interested in anything physical, you’re hanging out, co-worker-style.
Every time I’ve gone out in LA when visiting friends its the same thing. Superficial fake people trying to impress. No thanks.
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I have moved here 3 years ago and I still don’t know the difference between networking and dating. And even more not… I am in a relationship does that mean that I need to stop networking cuz it looks and smells exactly like a date?
Yes, dating in L.A is something else. If you plan to leave L.A one day, good luck in finding a man who may wanna join you. People here consider anywhere that is not a city as “the middle of nowhere”.
Men rush into sex. Is it a date or a potential friends with benefits tryin’ to butter you up?
Why would a woman in LA exchange an abundance of emails with a man who she was clearly attracted to intellectually and physically, then cancel right before they met in person?
I have experienced the dating scene in NY and LA. Must say that both cities are cesspools for “egocentric sociopaths”. Came to a cousin’s wedding in Atlanta and met my beautiful wife at the reception. Got engaged and married thereafter. So happy I made the move. People here are genuine and don’t lead you on to get what they want unlike the big city settings.
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