I can’t remember exactly how it came up. I think R was telling me about learning some information about some girl that some guy was dating or is dating or wanted to be dating. He had a piece of gossip about the person of question that he believed would be a total deal breaker for whomever it was who was/is/wanted to be dating said person. It went something like this:
- R: So I found out something really bad about __________
- Me: Oh god, what??
- R: What’s the worst thing you could find out about someone you were dating?
- Me: That they have an STD.
- R: Whoa. Really?? That’s the worst to you?
- Me: Oh my GOD!!! Do you have an STD?!?!
- R: No. No, no, no. I’m just saying – that’s the worst?
- Me: Yeah. That’s really, really bad. Don’t you think?
- R: Well, yes. But what if they, I don’t know, killed a guy.
- Me: Right. True. I just can’t see myself dating someone who killed a guy and got away with it until you somehow found out through the L.A. gossip ring.
- R: Fair.
- Me: But even so, he didn’t kill me, he killed some other guy. I will not continue dating him, but at least I don’t end the relationship with crabs.
- R: That’s nasty.
- Me: I’m just saying that among the likely things you can find out about someone, in my opinion, that’s the worst.
- R: Well, you’re entitled to your opinion.
- Me: Your cavalier nature about STD’s is concerning to me…
- R: I just think there are worse things.
- Me: Like what?
- R: Like this thing I just found out about ____________.
The conversation went on from there and, for the record, I didn’t think that what __________ had done was worse than finding out he had an STD. It’s one thing to be disappointed in a person’s morality, it’s quite another to have that morality transmitted to you.
But this convo raises an important(?) question – what is the worst thing you can find out about someone you are currently dating?
Obviously we have “he has an STD” and “he killed a guy” on the list, but what about something like the following:
- He does drugs
- He deals drugs
- He’s a recovering alcoholic, drug addict
- He’s divorced
- He has a child
- He is bankrupt
- He is a pathological lair
- He is a kleptomaniac
- He has a criminal record
- He’s dumped his last six girlfriends after exactly four months of dating
- He has a total fear of commitment and will likely never actually date you
I’ve got to be honest, I still maintain my position on the STD, but I’m happy to hear arguments for any of the above. And obviously the basis of this query is legitimate “problems” not things like, “he wears a lot of jewelry” – though I can say with certainty that I’d rather be with a guy who smokes pot than a guy who wears gold chain necklaces.
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Yes. STD is probably the worst…unless they tell you up front. Because if they tell you up front – yes, it sucks but you can avoid “sharing the love” and have a “clean” break.
But I think that finding out you are dating a drug dealer, a klepto, or a pathological liar is probably THE WORST. Because they all put you in physically dangerous situations but also can shake your faith in yourself. They can emotionally fuck with you even more than narrowly avoiding a case of the Herp.
Well seeing as how I went through the whole “finding out a he has a secret child thing”, let me tell you it fucking sucks.
Otherwise, I’m totally with the STD thing. I’ve had a guy tell me about his Herpes upfront, and that was kind…and as Mlle Hautemess said, it provided for a “clean” break of sorts.
I’ve also “dated” guys who dealt drugs, had a criminal record, was divorced, was broke…most of the things on your list actually, but I guess never of those “relationships” were destined to be serious.
In conclusion, I’m going to stick with STD, especially the incurable ones because all of the other ones you can walk away from pretty much unscathed (minus putting you in shitty situations and possible emotionally destroying yourself), but herpes, the HIV, AIDS…no amount of therapy will get rid of those puppies.
It’s ridiculous that the majority of that list I’ve actually dealt with in the past! Damn my love of the bad boy dickheads!
How about that they have nil experience in the dating world? and might potentially be a virgin? And he is in his late 20’s?
That happened to me.
I tried to look beyond it, but there was too much STUFF going on there (read: issues) that it fell apart super quickly.
They’re a Republican. An STD is so much worse than a drug dealer unless they deal Valtrex.
How about: “I’m married”?
I’ve dealt with a few on your list, but thankfully never STDs. That might be the worst only because it directly affects you [and infects you…ew] but the others are still horrible. And mostly deal-breakers. I have to say though, I am left wondering what it was that ________ did that R thought was so much worse than STDs.
Divorced? Has a child?
I’m sorry, how are these things so bad?
(Unless you mean they’ve been keeping it a secret.)
I think really liking someone and then the lack of commitment is pretty bad. Anything that they’ve been lying about that majorly changes your view of them. (In which case, if they’re lying about having a kid or never being married, I understand the badness.)
Why does a person having an STD mean they are immoral? That’s the implication you have made when you say “it’s one thing to have their morality transmitted to you”. Pretty myopic.
That someone has a vestigial tail. I kid of course. Everyone loves a tail.
Jessie, I’m totally with R on this one. There are so many things worse than an STD, and the two main reasons are as follows:
1) The only way of 100% not having an STD is to refrain from all sexual activity. As unfortunate as that fact is, one can use condoms, be aware of how all STDs are transmitted, but there still is a small risk of getting an STD from someone. If some person is an extremely safe driver at all times, but on a random commute to work in the morning skids on a random ice patch, would they instantly be characterized as a bad driver? No, they’d be a good driver who got a bad break one time.
2) I feel this point is somewhat related to the first, but the person with the STD may have gotten their STD from an untruthful partner. I lost a close friend of mine when I found out that not only was he sleeping with 2 different women without them knowing about it (already douchebag territory), but he even passed an STD from one to the other. I don’t think any less of my friend, who now had an STD, because she didn’t have the accurate information to be as safe as she should.
So, yeah, there are things way worse than having an STD. Regardless, love the column & keep on writing!
The worst thing to find out is that they are indeed a Terrorist with PLO and IRA and CARTELS…with ZETAS…and deal in BOO with PEDOPHILES.
In PETWOOD.
That would be a definite ” BUMMER”.
And DICK CHENEY- – And KARL ROVE were paying them.
Through OSIRIS.
And that ASSHOLE who COMMENTED ” KGB0515″ was his PEDOPHILE ” FRIEND”.
” R” was talking about the IRA , you PED, and you know it.
Oh boy..you ‘ fuckers’are fucked good and now all the blogs are getting it on about the PEAR being CONDOLEEZA RICE!
That black cannibal gonna get her own BBQ…and it ‘s SC and EF got the ” gas”.
Lol. I think all of them are really the worst. I think lying is right up there with STD though!
I have hsv, which is an uncurable std. And believe me it sucks, but it’s people like you that are judgmental and ignorant that are the problem. I understand it’s you opinion. But, I got it from the 2nd guy I ever slept with because he wasn’t honest… Does that make me immoral? 1 in 4 people have this std, and some are asymptomatic, so unless you’ve been tested, you could have it and be clueless.
Not trying to be rude here.. Just trying to let people know that a lot of the time it’s good, moral people that get stds, not always whores.
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