As of 7:30pm last night I did not have a blog post for today. The weekend was busy (culminating in the second, successful SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS!), and I spent yesterday morning attempting to finish the feature I’ve been working on since – oh – July.

Then the blog gods shone down on me and plopped the Latin American Patti Stanger down next to me at Urth Cafe on Beverly Drive.

I’m not kidding. This woman looked like Patti (but with smaller nose), dressed like Patti (but in a bold, floral pattern vs. Patti’s typical jewel tone solids), and talked like Patti (but in Sophia Vergara’s voice).

I didn’t catch Spanish Patti’s name, so we’ll just call her Patricia (Pa-treat-see-ah), but she was there to meet a new client named Paola. Paola is a beautiful, 30-year-old Bolivian ER nurse who thinks she can’t find love because she’s too controlling. Patricia: “I’m not going to lie to choo. It sounds like this is the case.”

They sat together for 30-45 minutes as Patricia interviewed Paola about every relevant detail of her dating, relationship, family, sex, career, clothing, health, and social life. It. Was. Pure. Gold. I sat there half writing my script and half transcribing bits and pieces of their conversation for this post (so, yes, if you see me in a coffee shop where you intend to have an intimate conversation, leave). Below is a compilation of direct quotes and things I learned from my unofficial match-making session with, “the most reputable Latin American love-connector in all of Southern California.”

Things she said:

• “Now tell me, is your bust size real or enhanced?” (The answer was enhanced)
  “This is good. ‘Real’ does not matter, ‘appears to be real’ is what matters.”

• “How many times a week do you drink the alcohol?” (The answer was four) “It’s not enough. You need to be having a glass of wine every day with or after your final meal. Wine keeps us smooth and sexy.”

• “I like camping, but only for one night.” (This was Paola’s response to Patricia asking her what outdoor activities she enjoys). Patricia: “Ay god no! Do not tell a man you like the camping. Nothing sexy is ever happening in a tent.”

• “You like to cook?” (The answer was no). “Well we’ll say you do because you need to learn.”

• “Now, how is your wardrobe? Tell me how much you spend on a dress to go out?” (The answer was $200) “I don’t love it, but I’ll work with it.”

Things she felt were relevant to the interview process:

• How much do you weigh?

• How much does your mother weigh right now, and how old is she?

• Are you willing to date bald men?

• Name the styles of Latin dance you have mastered.

• Are you fluent in Spanish? (the answer was no) Well are you fluent in dirty talking in Spanish?

• How much money do you have saved for retirement?

• How many children is too many children for a man to already have?

• Talk me through the major points of your last serious relationship?

And then she explained to Paola how the first date organized through her service works: (paraphrased)

Okay, so I’m gonna find you a compatible man but not the most compatible man I have in my group. Then we’re gonna get you set up on a date. I’d like to see you in more color. I’d like to see you in higher heels. I’d like to see your hair a shade or two lighter, and we’ll talk about make-up, I may send one of my girls to your house. Now, when you go on the date, I’m going to be there with you. I’m going to sit a few tables away – don’t worry, no one sees me – and I’m going to have a little ear bud connected to a little microphone in your breasts.

At this point Paola, who’s no fool despite her control issues, goes, “So you’re wire tapping me?” Girl totally watched The Wire.

Patricia laid it all out there. Yes, if that’s what choo want to call it. I need to hear exactly how you are on a first date with a man so I can guide you on the next series of dates we arrange. Make sense?

And then Paola said the thing that people say to Patti once they’re fully under her spell. “Yes, makes sense. I’ll do anything you tell me to do.”

Guys, this happened, before my very eyes, on a Monday night. And I’m telling you, if I was a Latin American woman struggling to find love in this urban, West coast jungle, I’d call Patricia up right away. That woman was like the finest Yenta I’ve ever heard with the least annoying Yenta voice. I think Paola’s going to be just fine.