Guys, today is a special day – a very special day – for it is only once in a brilliantly blue moon that we’re gifted the kind of gem my friend Nic forwarded my way yesterday afternoon. “I feel like you’ll appreciate this,” he said. Understatement of the fiscal quarter, Nic.

Via this link you’ll find an e-mail written by a man named Mike to a girl with whom he enjoyed one date. Unfortunately, girl did not feel that same enjoyment. Mike followed-up hoping for a second get-together. Girl never replied. The story would end there, like so so many stories have before, except that Mike is not so so many men. He is a bizarre, angry genius. Instead of burying his face in a dirty martini or blogging about it, like normal people would do, he fought back, hard…and really, really weird.

The thing is – there are actually some valid statements within Mike’s 1,615-word rant. They’re rendered obsolete by the sheer insanity of the rest of his diatribe, but I’ve taken the time to separate what is NUTS from what is VALID so that we may all learn a lesson…or 1,615.

Here goes:

“FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email.”

VALID – e-mails can be difficult to fully interpret on account of the lack of body language and tone of voice. Then there are some e-mails whose intended tone is completely lost on account of their bat-shit-crazy content. I suggest that you keep that in mind too, Mike.

“You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation.”

NUTS, and frankly INSULTING. Girls play with their hair for dozens of reasons that have nothing to do with you, Mike. They may be nervous. They may be vein. They may be bored. They may be wearing a brand new wig to cover their newly shaved head on account of recent chemo treatments. Take that.
“You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive”

NUTS, or in this case WRONG. “It was nice to meet you” is the blow-off, and everybody knows it. Examples of conclusive statement include: Can we do this again sometime? Do you want to come upstairs? I had a really, really great time… or no words at all because you’re too busy making out.
“If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind.”

VALID. Real life is not a Hollywood movie, it’s true Mike. What exactly that has to do with the first part of this paragraph or the idea of this e-mail overall is unclear, but the Hollywood is not equal to life fact remains.
“You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part.”

ALSO VALID. I can’t say I’ve ever heard that pitch for a relationship, but facts are facts and those facts are true.

“I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date.”

NUTS, sadly. I hate to break this to you Mike slash man-at-large, but sometimes girls go out with guys that they do not find physically attractive. They may want free dinner. They may want to feel good about themselves. They may be hoping the guy is better looking in person. Unfortunately there are lots of reasons, none of which are particularly good.

“People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.”

VALID. But really not a great argument for why this girl should date you. Stick with the “saving-time-via-shared-activities” thing.
“Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.”

VALID, but… There is a difference between being sensitive and being NUTS. Mike, I agree that too many people are far too insensitive, and perhaps if you had written a 200 versus 1,615 word e-mail to this woman you could have helped the cause of sensitive men everywhere. Unfortunately, you did the opposite…
“I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date.”

HAHAHAHA.
“If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly.”

VALID, completely and totally. Call, text or e-mail, people. Lie if you have to, but don’t just drop off the face of the earth. Now you have the potential to receive an e-mail akin to this gem as motivation to do the right thing.

“I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect.”

WRONG. This e-mail is perfect Mike. Absolutely perfect.

The question is…is it real?