R and I were having a conversation on the hike down from Runyon Canyon about the way I used to approach dating prior to our meeting. R likes to talk about this because it’s a confidence-boosting reminder that the way I dated other people prior to meeting him was bad/wrong/ridiculous.

This specific conversation was about the psychology behind the actions of a “guarded girl.” R was saying that a girl with a tough exterior can be difficult to date because a lazy guy assumes she should be treated as tough as she’s acting and a sensitive guy assumes she’s not into him (that’s a paraphrase. He wasn’t so general). I was saying that a guarded girl is guarded for a very specific reason, at least I know I was.

I’m using the term “guarded girl” here to describe how I used to feel and behave in previous dating situation, not to stereotype a entire group of female or male daters. Guarded means lots of different things to lots of different people, and it’s rooted in even more different feelings. Yes, that is a giant disclaimer.

This type of “guarded” R and I were discussing – aka my former type – exhibits as a girl with a tough exterior – she’s edgy, she dishes it out and she can take it right back, she isn’t overly emotional. She doesn’t need attention. She doesn’t need affection. She doesn’t need anything.

But what may seem like a personality type or act is actually more like a defense mechanism used to protect against getting hurt. The best way to explain it is to explain how the whole guarded game works using the example of giving and receiving affection in a new relationship – a real trouble zone for any guarded person. This is the example I provided R that made him look at my as if I was a foreigner and/or alien.

In this case “I” am a guarded girl/person and “you” is a guy I’m newly dating. Here goes:

If I open up and ask you to be more affectionate – small version: outwardly flirt with you more to illicit affection from you, big version: tell you I’d like if you were more affectionate toward me – I am off-setting the natural balance of things in the relationship. “Natural” would be you offering me affection because you want to offer it. Unnatural or forced is me having to illicit that affection. So by acting in a way that seems as though I don’t need the attention or affection (aka being guarded), I’m testing whether or not you’re inclined to be affectionate toward me naturally. In this way I can determine how much you like me (in my mind).

If this seems sick and twisted, it’s because it is. Try to focus on the fact that I got over this, as most people do.

Back to guarded girl – never to be a popular Disney kids super hero.

In a nutshell – I say I need something, you give it to me because I said I needed it, not because you necessarily wanted to or would naturally have done so. This is why many a fight between this kind of girl and a guy attempting to date her goes: Guy, “well how was I supposed to know that’s what you wanted?” Girl, “I shouldn’t have to tell you to be more affectionate! You either are or you aren’t!”

Both people are right, and yet both people are also sort of wrong. Yes, people are naturally vulnerable to a certain degree, but people can adapt for the ones’ they love if they know what those people need.

Is this making sense? This notion that the reason a girl who might otherwise be an emotionally available softee wears an iron-clad dating vest is because she’s testing the guy’s own emotional availability? And, more importantly, that how he behaves without her prodding is a sign of how he really is and really feels?

There is logic to it, and that’s not just my former self talking. Unfortunately the reality is that relationships – even early ones – are about a give and take. You MUST be willing to stick your neck out there and be clear about the kind of dynamic you’re looking for in a relationship, even if it means scaring a guy away – actually, exactly BECAUSE it can mean scaring a guy away, the wrong guy.

These days I don’t hold back, emotionally speaking. Mostly that’s because I’m with someone who made it clear how he felt, and didn’t hold back himself. But the other reason is that all the guarded game play got exhausting after awhile. Being a version of yourself fashioned to determine the boyfriend-ability of the guy you’re dating just takes way too much effort after awhile.