This will be brief because the situation is just that simple.

A few weeks ago I witnessed a very uncool thing happen at an otherwise cool event. (All the details are not important, but it is worth noting that the bar was hidden behind a restaurant Hollywood, and I drank delicious, free punch out of a super chic, vintage punch bowl.)

Over the course of the party I got into a conversation with a guy who was there with a girl who is his friend (as in, not his girlfriend). From what I could gather they are good friends who spend a good amount of time together. It was also made clear that both the guy and this girl are single.

Our conversation made its way to the fact that the guy does not have a girlfriend but would really like to be dating. “Are you open to being set up?” I asked. “Definitely!” he responded. “Great,” I said, “Tell me what kind of girl you’re looking for.”

The guy shared a few details (pretty, funny, successful, interesting), then he proceeded to commit the crime that prompted this entire blog post.

“I’m looking for someone who’s exactly like __________,” he said, “but obviously not ________.”

The name that fills in those two blanks is the name of the girl he was standing with.

Guys, actually, people of all genders. NEVER DO THIS. NEVER EVER. Even if you’re entirely sure that the person you’re referring to has zero feelings for you.

By saying you are interested in someone exactly like the single and available person you’re standing with, but obviously not the single and available person you’re standing with, you’re actually saying one of two things:

1. You would date that person.

Why would you go looking for someone else who is exactly like the available person standing directly in front of you? That makes zero sense. Good people are insanely hard to come by, especially in L.A. So if this person you are standing with is exactly the kind of person you’re interested in dating, DATE THEM!

Now, if the issue is that you can’t date that person (they’re your boss? they already dated your best friend? they’re a Jew and you’re a very strict Mormon?), fine. That’s an extenuating circumstance. But, for the record, it doesn’t make the statement any less awkward.

2. You would never date that person.

If the person is available and without the reasonable deal-breakers outlined above, then you obviously DON’T want someone exactly like them because they are them! So what you’re really saying is, “I want someone pretty much like you, but better…”

Taller? Thinner? Smarter? Better looking? Whatever. That’s the stuff lost in the, “but obviously not __________,” part of the statement. Why is it so obvious? What’s so obviously wrong with a person who is exactly like the person you’re looking to be with? Those are the questions they’re asking themselves after you vaguely insult their entire person in front of a group of people.

Let’s wrap this rant up.

New Rule:

Never describe your ideal girlfriend (or boyfriend) by comparing them to a person involved in that very conversation. If they’re available to be dated, it’s a massive insult. If they’re unavailable to be dated, it’s super awkward.

And, if you’re looking for a way to find out if your friend who is a girl is interested in being a girlfriend (which is what I suspect was going on that fateful eve I witnessed…), find a method that doesn’t involve rejecting her in front of a group. That’s what you’re doing by suggesting you want someone just like her, but not her. Sack up and ask her out, or ask a third party to tell you if she’s into you too.

Carry on.