Now that I live in Hollywood I’m more qualified than ever to comment on the pending Academy Awards. My house is 1.5 miles from the theater formerly known as the Kodak theater! My friend Ben works on the team that produces the awards! I got my own copy of the Hollywood Reporter Oscar Issue at work! Guys, I am the Oscars.

Before you read on, please note: these are not my predictions for who will win (though I’ve included those) nor are they my predictions for who should win (those are there too). All I’m really interested is who I would vote for if I had what I can only assume is a gold-plated, velvet-embossed, finger-print protected Oscar ballot in my hands.

Also, I’ve only included the categories I personally care about, and I purposefully left Actress, Actor and Picture ’til the end, because that makes it just like the real awards!

Here we go.

Best Supporting Actor:

• My vote – Jonah Hill – I know this is a wildly unpopular opinion, and a slap in the face to some incredibly seasoned actors (Plummer, von Sydow), but I thought Jonah Hill’s performance was the most surprising and most out-of-character. In fairness, I didn’t see Warrior, so technically I can’t make a fully educated vote, but neither can most people in the Academy, so it’s all good.
• Should win – Probably Nick Nolte, from what I’m hearing from people (read: R)
• Will win – Christopher Plummer, and it will be well deserved. BEGINNERS was very good. It’s just that “old, recently out gay man with terminal cancer” feels a little bit like the obvious choice, and you know how much I love gay men.

Best Supporting Actress:

• My vote – Octavia Spencer – She gave a really powerful performance in a movie I didn’t particularly love. This is a tough, again, because I didn’t see ALBERT NOBBS, and people are saying Janet McTeer was really exceptional.
• Should win – I guess Janet McTeer, in keeping with my Nick Nolte thing.
• Will win – Octavia Spencer – I’d put my favorite pair of shoes on it, and they’re vintage Prada’s I got at an outlet in Italy.

Best Adapted Screenplay:

• My vote – Moneyball – And this is coming from a person who does not know, understand or like baseball. I thought the script was smart and compelling.Moneyball wasn’t my favorite film of the year by any means , but I still liked the script best. I’m a dialogue girl (#shitLApeoplesay), and I thought Moneyball had the best of the year. The Descendants was up there, but not as good, according to myself.
• Should win – Moneyball – I’m supporting my own self on this one. That was a very strong script.
• Will win – The Descendants – It’s on a roll based on previous awards, and the Academy loves Alexander Payne. I really liked this movie, and definitely appreciated the script, but there were things that rubbed me the wrong way in it, as opposed to Moneyball, which I liked throughout.

Best Original Screenplay:

• My pick – 50/50 – I don’t care that it wasn’t nominated; it should have been. 50/50 had an original voice (#moreshitLApeoplesay), solid story, and incredibly poignant moments. I loved it, and I’m legitimately upset that it was snubbed.
• Should win – Margin Call? I don’t really know. This is a tough category for me because as I see it The Artist is a silent film, A Separation is a foreign film (somehow selectively in this category), Midnight in Paris is not my favorite Woody Allen film, and, though this may shock you, I think Bridesmaids is slightly overrated (slightly! calm down!)
• Will win – Midnight in Paris – Don’t get me wrong. I really enjoyed this movie. I just don’t think I can say it was the best original script of this entire year.

Actress:

• My vote: Michelle Williams – This was a really, really hard one for me because I thought Meryl Streep was spectacular, and I recognize what a powerful performance Viola Davis delivered. That said, My Week With Marilyn made me like Michelle Williams, an actress I previously disliked, strongly. It also made me fascinated with and intrigued by Marilyn Monroe in a way I didn’t expect. I knew I’d be wowed by Meryl. I didn’t expect to be so moved by Michelle.
• Should win: Meryl Streep – It was a remarkable transformation into a difficult character that required, in my opinion, far more acting than some of the other nominees. Again, this is hard for me because I have a thing for gender-bending best actress performances (see also: Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry), but I think Meryl in Iron Lady is more nuanced than Glenn in Albert Nobbs. Also, people are always like Meryl ALWAYS wins, but she doesn’t. She’s only won twice, and the last time was something like 18 years ago. She can win again this year.
• Will win: Viola Davis – I’m not sure I’d offer up favorite-pair-of-shoes confidence on this one, but it’s fairly certain in my book. Viola was excellent in some moments, but I can’t say I think she was better than Meryl or Michelle.

Actor:

• My vote: I want to sit this one out – Clooney was very good, but I think he’s been better in other stuff. Same goes for Brad Pitt. I didn’t see Tinker Tailor OR A Better Life, and I just don’t know how I feel about the whole silent film situation, actor-wise. Jean was certainly great, but was he greater than a speaking actor? I don’t know, so I’m taking a pass. Frankly, If I could vote for any actor in any performance of the year, it would probably be Paul Giamatti for WIN/WIN. That was an awesome performance. If you haven’t seen it, you should.
• Should win: Probably Demian Bichir – I’m hearing he was completely killer. Can we say that about any of the other nominees? I really don’t think so, and I did cry at The Descendants during one of Clooney’s finer moments.
• Will win: Jean Dujardin – It’s a Roberto Benigni moment.

Picture:

• My vote: Hugo – I still can’t tell you how they shot that movie or what parts were real vs. CG. It was absolutely stunning on a grand scale that you don’t see often these days. I was charmed by the story, impressed by the actors, and, most importantly, transported into the world created on the screen. Not everything about it was perfect, but I believe it was a filmmaking feat, and those are the kind of movies that should win Best Picture.
• Should win: Hugo – See above. It is worth pointing out that I’ve never experienced anything like Tree of Life, and was very affected by whatever it was that I did see, but I can’t support it for Best Picture because I think that film should be enjoyed by a larger audience.
• Will win: The Artist – It will not be a tragedy when The Artist wins. It is a lovely and unique film that takes viewers on a journey into a totally lost era of filmmaking. That said, it was a little too small for me to be considered “the best.” If you take away the silent film thing, what’s left? A sweet love story. Of course, you can’t take away the silent film thing, which is why it will win.

And now onto the task of creating my edible entry into the Annual Oscar-food-pun competition. Last year I took home the gold with my baked brie in the shape of Jeff Bridges profile from True Grit – BAKED (JEFF) BRIE-DGES. I’ll reveal this year’s equally genius entry on Sunday.

Enjoy the awards!