Yesterday I heard someone say something and thought, “wow I have never even considered that genius thought before.”
The someone was my friend/co-worker Jade, a thoughtful male of the 25-35-year-old range, and the something was exactly this:
“Everything it takes for a man to be good at picking up a woman is exactly what you don’t want him to have in a relationship, and vice versa.”
Unfortunately we were in a meeting where it was appropriate to make that statement yet inappropriate to stop the entire conversation and say OHMYGODWHAT?? HOLD ON!! I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS, so I waited until it ended to approach.
“Could you say what you said in that meeting again?” I said.
It was a 1.5 hour meeting, but he knew exactly what I was referring to. Apparently my jaw-dropped face gave it away.
“This is a theory I’ve had for a long time,” he said, “Think about it. A man who excels at picking women up has certain qualities, and those qualities often lead to things like, say, cheating.”
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve whined something along the lines of, “why aren’t guys more skilled at starting a conversation?? How hard can it be to pick us up??”
We want guys to be forward. We want them to approach us. We want them to be smooth yet standoffish. That’s what it takes to attract us at a bar or party or wedding. They need to have a certain Casanova quality.
Aanndd yet we want none of that once we’re actually in the relationship. Sure, a certain degree of charming demeanor is lovely on any man, but that smooth maneuvering single-man routine is exactly what makes us jealous, nervous, and insecure.
But the “vice versa” situation is the part I find even more interesting. My first impression of a shyer guy who doesn’t quite know how to finesse a first convo is, “ugh.” It’s not instantly attractive or instantly sexy. But 9 times out of 10, it’s that guy who’s really listening, and will really keep listening 6 months into the relationship. Now there’s a difference between chronically shy and slightly unsure. Chronically shy is a problem, but slightly unsure (so, the opposite of your bachelor on parade) suggests a sense of humility and insecurity that’s much more human than the opposite. That kind of personality breeds honesty.
This, of course, is my newly-developed theory based on Jade’s newly-revealed theory. You’d have to ask far more men than I’ve dated and far more women than I know for a real assessment.
So let’s do that: does this theory hold water or is it a case-by-case basis 100% of the time?
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I am going anonymous on this one because what I am about to say falls right in line with what you just said, but it is brutal real life. My husband and I are contemplating divorce. I want a man who can romance me and be strong and supportive and flirty and engaging. But do I really? I love my husband and he is a wonderful man, but he is reserved and doesn’t show affection and is socially awkward sometimes. I want the strong CEO type to match my strong CEO type self. I want a challenge. Or do I? The qualities that make up that grass in greener on the other side type of guy also make that guy a major risk. DO I really want that in a relationship or am I really happy in my safe he’ll never leave me marriage and I am just going through one of those periods of discontent. I think, in answer to your question this theory has merit. But it is not black and white and I believe hollywood and it’s sweep you off your feet male characters contribute to the conflict women feel about these traits. They show you the sweep you off your feet and make you swoon guys but not the 10 years down the road divorcee with two kids because Mr. Big wannabe cheated and left. How much are women willing to risk for the fantasy traits of the serial bachelor? bottom line: we are women, we never know what we want. 🙂
I have been thinking a lot about this recently. I was recently approched at a bar by a guy and we have plans to go on a date next week. I am excited about it but also in the back of my mind keep thinking ‘he will probably be a jerk and not what I am looking for’ I guess I will have to keep you posted but I totally agree with that theory!
As a quiet male who is definitely not a ‘smooth talking pickup artist’ but instead falls into the other category, this theory sounds pretty spot on to me. My group of mates are the same also, we are just casual, cool guys, never out to ‘impress’ or ‘be the coolest’ or whatever else in the attempt to try and pickup a girl, so while they (and me) aren’t usually leaving the bar/party with a girl in tow, they are the ones who seem to always have good, solid relationships.
Also going anoynmous because of the same reasons as Anon. 1. My husband is very loyal and kind, but somewhat boring. He definitely does not make me feel wanted, but he never really did. However, I’m fairly certain that if a man did treat me like that (I also have never received the Hollywood attention) then I would be jealous and paranoid that he was doing that to everyone. I have dated more outgoing men in the past and very much enjoyed when they flirted with me, but did not enjoy when they were the life of the party and flirted with everyone else.
Hey! What happened to the “Girls” reviews?
To Anonymous dated May 16, I understand your state. So what do you really look for?
I would have to agree with you on this one Jess, I started dating one of my friends back in January and it has been going swimmingly so far. I don’t see us breaking up anytime in the near future, or maybe ever. He’s a nerd (works in IT and is going to school for his master’s in comp programming). Let’s just say this man has never picked up a woman at a bar in. his. life. It’s endearing since I’ve just come off of two years of independence and pretty much only finding guys at bars to hook up/hang out with. Like I said, he and I had been friends for a solid year and I never consciously considered dating him until after a New Year’s party when he finally got the guts up to kiss me. He’s painfully shy around big groups, but has no qualms about being completely open and honest with me about that. He let’s me know when his ex contacts him because he wants me to trust him, and I relish that in our relationship. Anyway, overall I’m going to have to agree with you on that on.
I very much agree with this sentiment. A few friends and I formed a sort of dating support group a few years ago where we read a lot of dating self-help books and talked about getting out there and the people we were meeting. This theory definitely started coming up – that how men (both smooth and non-smooth) act in the early parts of a relationship may or may not matter once you’re in it for the long-haul. So if a guy reveals his feelings too early, maybe that can turn you off a little. But isn’t being emotionally available a good quality in a long-term relationship? This theory helped us to give certain guys more chances, instead of dismissing them out of hand. And three out of the four of us are now in relationships with sweet, funny, smart, LOVING guys, who may not have been the smoothest operators when we first met them.
To Anonymous at 4:54pm on May 16 – sweet doesn’t necessarily mean boring, and if your guy doesn’t make you feel wanted, then that’s not great. A sweet, loving non-smooth guy can still make you feel desired and loved and like your partner thinks he’s the luckiest guy on earth. You are not necessarily sacrificing fire and passion if you decide to date the non-smooth one – and if passion is important to you, then you shouldn’t settle for a boring guy who doesn’t desire you.