Hi guys. Apologies for the delay with this week’s GIRLS recap. I was in New Orleans for Jazz Fest, which is something everyone should do at least once in their lives. Now let’s move on to subjective opinions!

I tried to think of a more exciting way to structure my recap of the fourth episode of this show, but then I watched it and all creativity ran away from my brain, as if to take cover from what it just witnessed.  I’m sorry – truly, I am – but I have finally arrived at the verdict: I don’t like this show.

Let me use this week’s episode to illustrate why.

INT. HANNAH/MARNIE’S APARTMENT – Middle of the Night

Adam texted Hannah a picture of his penis wearing a fur shrug. Hannah screams “oh my god” and wakes Marnie/Charlie up (they don’t deserve the “Bennifer” treatment). Everyone acts as if this is the first time a picture of a penis has been transmitted over a mobile device, then Adam texts back that it wasn’t intended for Hannah. Marnie/Charlie are like, DUMP HIM AND HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT ALREADY! Hannah is like, “wait guys, what’s the problem here?” And then despite Marnie strongly advising that Hannah not text back, she strips off her shirt and texts back a picture of her boobs.  It is, perhaps, the most pathetic moment I’ve ever seen televised. I believe that’s the point of it all, but frankly I’ve done my time being/being around girls who do things which are that pathetic and immature, and I’m done now.

INT. NEW PLACE WHERE HANNAH WORKS – Afternoon

Hannah now works somewhere where the boss – an old man with a big beard – fondles women. Hannah brings this up with the female co-workers, but they’re all okay with it because he buys them nice Christmas gifts. Apparently this episode is taking place in a time where sexting was brand new and sexual harassment was, like, whatever.

EXT. WEST VILLAGE? – DAY

Sosh and Jessa run into this guy that Sosh knows from Camp Ramah (which, side-note, is where my Dad went to Summer Camp!!) I predict that Sosh will eventually hook up with this boy based on how insanely awkward she is acting around him. 

INT. MARNIE/HANNAH’S APARTMENT – DAY

Charlie and that obnoxious friend of his who had the opium tea a few weeks ago pretend to write a song about Keds…or they really write a song about Keds. It doesn’t matter. Then Opium kid says, “your girlfriend is my nightmare.” I agree with him, but I still don’t like him. That’s the whole scene.

EXT. WEST VILLAGE (Cafe Cluny!!) – DAY

Jessa was late to pick up the kids she babysits. The kids are mad about it. Jessa essentially tells them to shut up, because she’s a babysitter with attitude you guys. Then Jessa runs into the dad and uncle of the kids. They have a brief conversation that serves as background music to the screaming sexual chemistry brewing between Jessa and the dad (whose name I truly do not know).

BACK TO: MARNIE/HANNAH’S APARTMENT – DAY

Opium asshole is now rummaging through the girls’ stuff.  They find Marnie’s virbrator. Charlie calls it a “share tool.” Opium says, “you’re a share tool.” That’s the entire scene.

BACK TO: NEW PLACE WHERE HANNAH WORKS.

The touchy boss says, “you’ll tell me if the touching bothers you right?” Hannah says, “yes,” and then walks away. That’s that entire scene.

BACK TO: MARNIE/HANNAH’S APARTMENT – DAY 

Opium is now rummaging through Hannah’s stuff…where he find’s Hannah’s diary…which he reads because he’s an asshole. He oviously reads something about Charlie because right after he’s finished he tries to hide the diary from Charlie. He will eventually let Charlie read the diary because this episode is called “Hannah’s Diary.” I predict he and Charlie will toss out the Keds song and write an entirely new song called, “Share Tool” – JUST KIDDING! It will be called “Hannah’s Diary.”

EXT. WEST VILLAGE PARK – DAY

Jessa is at the park with the kids. She’s talking to the other nanny’s. She says, “Lola is being such a ‘see you next tuesday,'” and the other nanny’s aren’t about it because they are actual care-givers of children and not an insanely stylish British girl who is just being a nanny so she doesn’t have to get a read job.

BACK TO: NEW PLACE WHERE HANNAH WORKS.

I’m going to do this one like this:

• Hannah’s lady-friend co-workers: How’s the touching?
• Hannah: I think I’m getting used to it.
• HLFCW: Cool, just don’t tell your boyfriend. Mine got mad. 
• H: Yeah, whatever. I shouldn’t even call the guy I’m dating my boyfriend. Wait. Wanna see something weird? (she shows the penis picture)
• HLFCW: Omg what is this nasty business?
• H: I know, riighht??! And then after he sent it he said it wasn’t for me.
• HLFCW: (grave) Dump him you idiot. No self-respecting woman puts up with that.
• H: But you guys like the boss touch your boobs?
• HLFCW: That’s different. 

I only have confused slash mean things to say about the above scene, so I’ll just leave it at that.

EXT. WEST VILLAGE PLAYGROUND – DAY

Jessa holds court at the playground telling all the other nannies that they should get paid more. Then she loses the kids (OBVIOUSLY), while loud rap music plays. Turns out the kids are hiding under something that looks like it may be The Wavery Inn (smart kids!). Jessa says, “you little fuckers better come out,” and then they refuse to come out, which is probably what I would do if my nanny used that language in my presence.

INT. SOSH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sosh and camp guy are watching a movie at her apartment. They start to hook up. He pleasures her orally within seconds of the hook-up beginning. She tells him that she wants to have sex…if he wants to have sex, but he should probably know that she’s a virgin. He immediately stops because, “it’s really not [his] thing.” She says, “You don’t even have to worry about it because I’m like the least virginy virgin ever.” Scenes like this probably happen in real life which is sad for virgins because no one should feel bad about their limited sexual history. That said, you’re not exactly asking for kind and loving treatment from an understanding man if you offer to have sex with him 60 seconds into a hook-up. I think there may be a lesson in this scene, but I’m not sure.

INT. HOUSE OF BABYSITTING KIDS – NIGHT

The kids tells the parents that Jessa lost them. Jessa admits she lost the kids, but only to the dad, and only after he moves her into very dim lighting. The dad tells her he lost the kids once, so she shouldn’t feel bad. Then Jessa says she relates to the kids because she used to run away and tells lies all the time, like, for example, “my mom’s this awesome mom, and we’re best friends.” Then dad says, “hopefully Lola will turn out as good as you did.” Two things: A. hopefully she’ll turn out WAY better and B. that mini glimmer of Jessa’s challenged relationship with her mother was the most interesting thing to happen to her character all season, AND SHE WAS BRIEFLY PREGNANT.

INT. ADAM’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Hannah goes to Adam’s house to break up with him. She says really powerful and impressive things like, “and you didn’t bother to explain [the text thing] because I don’t make you feel like you have to explain.” I LOVED this moment. I loved Hannah standing up for herself and saying real things and admitting what a fool she’s been about him. I thought this was going to be the break through moment where I finally start to like this show. Aaannddd then Hannah said, “I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out with me all the time, and thinks I’m the best person in the world, and doesn’t have sex with anyone else.” And with that, I knew the moment I was hoping for was never going to come. Yes, of course they make out. And yes, of course Hannah says, “why didn’t you text me back?” And Adam says, “Uh, I jerked off to it.” (IT of course being the picture of Hannah’s boobs). And that’s that. This, to me, is the defining scene of the season. It says, “GIRLS can be total and complete idiots in their 20s, and this is a show about all those instances of idiot behavior. Enjoy!”

INT. BAR CALLED BUSHWICK – NIGHT

Side-note: Sosh would never go to Bushwick.

I was almost right. They played the Keds song and “Hannah’s Diary.” It was weird and painful and awkward and funny? I don’t know, but it was in that moment that I decided GIRLS is A. not a comedy and B. not a show I will continue to watch past this episode.

Yes, this is the final recap. I really don’t enjoy myself while I’m watching this show. I’m angry. I’m mean. I say things like, “I hated those idiot girls then, and I still hate them now.” It’s not a good scene.

I still couldn’t tell you if this show is blatantly making fun of all the stereotypical characters it’s created and their very ridiculous/immature/confusing way of acting or if it’s celebrating all that they do. I don’t think it knows, and maybe that’s the point.

Bottom line: GIRLS is not for me. That doesn’t make it right, wrong or bad, it just makes it a very specific thing that I very clearly do not appreciate. And rather than produce weekly snark at the expense of the many, many people working very hard on this show, I’m going to bow out. Thank you for reading up to this point. Now…

How about you? Are you in or are you out? Any if you’re in, I’d love to know why. I promise I won’t crucify you for the choice.