With permission, I am posting the below essay on the topic of whether or not women can “have it all.” It was written by my mother on her 55th birthday. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, but more importantly I hope that it provides an even better glimpse into how I’ve become the woman I’ve become.
You are right to say that the phrase should be taken off the charts because of all that it implies.
But to me, the problem is the definition of the word “all”. “All” in the phrase, “Women Can’t Have it All,” implies a high level career that pays a lot of money and holds a certain status along with the time to be an involved mother/caretaker of your own children. I would argue that the definition of “successful career” and “mother” do not have the same definition for all women. It is not and often cannot be the same thing for everyone. Really nothing has the same meaning for everyone.
Now…
Careers often require a commitment that means you can’t always drop everything and be available to your kids, so a balance needs to be made. If I glance back at my life…my decisions…my sacrifices (especially today which happens to be my 55th birthday), there is a time and place to have it all. That is, if you are lucky enough to plan and be patient.
Certain parts of “All” have time restraints – like bearing children. We have a biological clock that dictates when it is “time” to devote the necessary time commitment and energy into having and raising children.
I was lucky to have all that I wanted. My decisions and choices enabled me to have the best part of each decade – to do the thing that I wanted to do most at that time. I think women need to equate the word “all” to passion. What is it that you want, that you feel passionate about at each decade of your life? I wanted to stay home and be the person that I was with my children for every moment of their lives, so I did that. I had it “all” then! I stopped climbing in my career during those years but what I gained certainly surpassed any amount of money or career path, for ME.
I may never be remembered for my contributions to national or international education (my field), but I believe I had an impact on the lives of my four children that will pay it forward. That is a big enough legacy, again, for ME. That may not be enough for some women, and they are the ones whose “all” will be different.
I also agree with your comment about Dad not having it “all,” – and same goes for other men in his situation. He missed precious times and moments because he worked, but the same passion argument applied to him. Staying home in the manner I did was not his passion. He would not have been happy doing what I did. His “Having it All” depended on me wanting what I wanted, to be the one who would stay home. That’s a partnership.
Perhaps some careers are impacted by a pause or a “time out,” but I would argue that children grow up fast and during that time a person who chooses to stay home with her children can be brewing and banking knowledge and ideas so that when it is time to return, she has something additional to offer.
We should never stop developing ourselves. We don’t need a paycheck to validate our progress and learning. When I went back to work, I really had a passion to put all of my energy into working on a career again. However, I did have to let go of some of the things I did as a stay-at-home mom. I did less volunteer work and served on fewer committees because I needed to balance my time to still be a full-time mother. I was better at my job because I took time to feed my passion.
We get back in life what we out into it. Having it “all” just needs to be defined for each individual that aspires to have any “all” they so choose.
So maybe the phrase doesn’t have to be thrown out, but instead differentiated, and most importantly, fully understood by the person who wants it “all” in the first place.
It’s not only defining what “Having it All” means, but recognizing it when you have it. That is too often the problem. We don’t recognize those times when we are in the moment . We need to be smart enough to see it when we have it, so that we can enjoy it for the true gift it is.
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