Long before the nerve-wracking, “I love you,” and – in my opinion – even more nerve-wracking, “can I fart freely now?”comes the mother of all awkward conversations – the “are we?/should we be?/I’d like to be exclusive.”

Deciding to go from “seeing each other” to boyfriend/girlfriend is no small deal, except that it is, but we’ll get to that in a second. Regardless, you want to do it well sos to a. secure a “yes” and b. not go down in your social circle’s history as the guy who did it via a Facebook wall post (you bet your bottom dollar that’s happened). 

This is not a post about whether or not you’re ready to be exclusive. For that please consult this other post slash your older sister. If you don’t have an old sister, please consult me.

This is also not a post written by a person who has ever properly executed this conversation. R and I had the conversation after a few cocktails on the night of my L.A. housewarming party. I woke up and said, “Did you trick me into being your girlfriend last night?” and he said, “Yes! I did!” It’s also worth noting (because R says I have to note it) that  it happened that night because I kept introducing him as, “the guy I’m dating,” and he, “wasn’t going to have any more of that.” I swear I did not say such a ridiculous thing (a dozen times…), but everyone else at the party says that I did. So, per usual, do as I suggest, and not as I’ve done. 

Without further embarrassing stories, here are my suggestions, directions, and objections:

This is a conversation you have in person

No texting it, tweeting it, or gchatting it during a long, boring work day. If you are mature enough to be in a relationship, then you should be capable of having the conversation confirming that fact in person. This, of course, does not apply to people under the age of 18 who, I’m told, do not function as humans outside of their mobile devices. As a general rule, if you can vote, gamble, buy cigarettes and legally care for yourself without the aid of parents, then you can ask someone if they want to be your girlfriend in person.   

It’s also nice to do it during a lovely moment

Call me grandma, but I vote for adding a little romance to the moment. Why not seal the deal over dinner at your favorite sushi restaurant, or while you’re running together in the morning, or during that pre-sleep cuddle session? This should not require heavy orchestration (as in jumbo trons or scavengers hunts), but taking a pause from the usual to create a moment you’ll remember never hurts.

That is…if you know where this conversation is going…

I should have mentioned up front that there are two ways one enters into the “are we exclusive.”

1. You know that you are both on the same page about where this relationship is going and simply need to confirm that very obvious fact with a simple, romantic conversation. If that is your scenario, continue to follow the above direction.

2. You exist in a constant state of gchatting your college roommates lines like, “if I don’t figure out what’s going on between us soon I’m going to have a nervous break down.” In this scenario you want to be exclusive, or to at least figure out where the other person stands. If this is what you’re going through, consult your older sister (and or me). As I’ve said far too many times before, it should be clear whether or not two people want to be exclusive, but because it NEVER is, I’ve outlined some talking points below.

First, here are some ways to say it, if you do know where it’s going.

It’s been a few weeks or months. You know neither of you is seeing other people. You are making future plans. Your older sister and/or I said it’s official.  Here’s some dialogue for you, you lucky dog.

•  Him: I’ve had a great time this past month and I don’t want to be seeing anyone else anymore, so if it’s okay with you, I think we should (make it official/be exclusive/do the boyfriend and girlfriend thing). 
• You: I’d like that too. 

•  You: I feel like we’re at that point where we should have the “are we exclusive conversation.”
• Him: I agree. I vote that we are.
• You: Good, me too. 
• Him: Cool, so then it’s settled. 
• You: Yes. Exciting.
• Him: Can I un-pause Breaking Bad now? 
• You: Right. Sorry. Yes. 

•  Him: So I’ve been thinking that I’d like to call you my girlfriend, if that’s okay. 
• You: Wow, well, that explains this completely unprecedented late-night stroll. 
• Him: This blog I read said to make it a lovely moment. 
• You: What a brilliant blog.
• Him: Good. And yes, you should read it too. Everyone should really. 

 Those are but three, simple examples that get the job done. You are probably thinking, “oh my god those are so cheesy I could never, ever say that stuff!!” Here’s the thing you need to remember: cheesy is a beautiful thing in a world where 99% of the people you know wish you Happy Birthday on a virtual wall. Also, if this person wants to be your boy/girlfriend, they’re going to give you a lot of leeway around this conversation. It’s sort of like how you can’t mess up a pre-proposal speech. All the other side is hearing is, “HE/SHE LIKES ME!!!” You can say pretty much anything.

But if you’re not quite sure how it’s going to go down, here are my thoughts

It’s been a few weeks or months. Things are going well, but there’s no indication that they’re moving toward any specific direction. You are a mature person who wants to understand the meaning of this relationship for both parties. You have consulted with your older sister and/or me, and believe engaging in the conversation is the best next step. Here’s some dialogue for you, you brave little toaster. 

• You: I feel like we should talk about where this is going. 
• Him: Yeah?
• You: Yeah. I’d like us to be exclusive. 
• Him: Like boyfriend/girlfriend? 
• You: Yes, just like that. 
• Him: I need to think about that. 
• You: Okay. Please do and let me know what you think. 

• Him: Hey, I’d like to have a conversation about us. 
• You: Oh, wow, the conversation? 
• Him: Yes. I’m ready to call you my girlfriend, but I’m not sure if you’re on the same page. 
• You: I’m on the same page. 
• Him: Great. That was easier than I thought it would be. 
• You: Good. You are sort of sweating profusely though…
• Him: Right. Sorry about that… 

 Those are two simple ways to raise the issue you’ve been avoiding raising. You’re probably thinking, “oh my god, I can’t do this. He/she is totally going to run for the hills, and hate me for bringing it up, and feel so awkward and uncomfortable.” Here’s the thing you need to remember: you’re in this not-yet-a-real-relationship too. Are you living in misery wondering where it’s going? Are you feeling hurt by his/her lack of commitment? Do you spend every TV-watching session burning with the anticipation of this very conversation? That is no way to live!! If the person wants to run for the hills, let them run! At least you finally know it’s not going anywhere, and you can focus your efforts on a relationship that will actually be a relationship. If the conversation gets a little awkward, so be it! At least you’re not developing a small ulcer over bringing up this topic.

If you follow no other rule, please please please follow this one: 

Do NOT make your Facebook relationship status the center of this conversation. No, “so Kimmy was, like, ‘why is your status still single if you’ve been with Billy for, like, four months??’ and I was like, ‘I don’t know. I guess because we haven’t had the big talk.’ So, like, should I change my status or what? Are we, like, ‘in a relationship?'” That sounds as stupid as it is, so please avoid.