When I used to tell people that I had never been to Las Vegas they would say, “how could you of all people have never been to Vegas??” I used to be offended by this statement, but after my very first 30 hour trip to the City of Sin, I am honored.

VEGAS IS AWESOME. It’s opulent but cheesy. It’s relaxing but completely frenetic. You can win a thousand bucks in a minute or lose 5K just about as fast. I loved it. Granted I was there for one night with R, and three hours of that time was spent in a spa, but that’s cool because you can do whatever you want in Vegas!

Here, in no particular order and remembered through the haze of one too many vodka/soda/pineapple juices, is what I learned:

YOU DON’T WANT TO STAY IN A HOTEL THAT HAS A CASINO

I didn’t previously know that there were hotels that did NOT have casinos, but there are, and they are the way to go. R and I stayed at Vdara, which is directly across the street from Aria, a massive hotel with a massive casino. At first I was sort of bummed that we weren’t staying in a place with a casino floor because I assumed I’d want to pop a quarter in the slot machine as often as humanly possible throughout my trip. Then I walked into a casino the morning after spending three hours at a smokey blackjack table somewhere around 2AM, and I wanted to curl into the fetal position. There is no place worse than a casino floor after you’ve spent X amount of hours on a casino floor. It’s sort of like waking up in the carpeted apartment where you hosted a flip cup tournament the night prior and taking a deep breath. Not pleasant.

IF YOU MAKE SOMETHING INCREDIBLY FAKE ENOUGH,  IT WILL SEEM ODDLY REAL

I came to this conclusion inside the shops within The Venetian – the shops designed to look like buildings along the real Venice canals. Here’s the thing. Obviously it’s fake. It’s gaudy and made of plaster and really dirty in some places. But I was sort of expecting a mall with some columns that looked Venetian, and I got actual fake Venice – like, the entire thing. It was so overwhelming complete in its fakeness that it felt bizarrely real. If you’ve been there – that is to Venice and Vegas – this makes sense.

IT IS POSSIBLE TO BECOME UNAWARE OF HOW TO FIT CLOTHES YOUR BODY AFTER 9PM

I get it. I too wore a tight, sparkly number arguably too short for public too. But I wore a version of that outfit in the appropriate size of my actual body. Others seemed to be functioning under the in-a-few-hours-no-one-will-remember-what-I’m-wearing method of dress. But you know what, that’s totally true, so have at it!

NORMAL SIZED RESTAURANTS ARE FOR SUCKERS

In LA we have this fantastic french restaurant called Comme Ca. It is small and quaint. It has low ceilings that make it feel like an old country home. You can seat about 125 people inside. The lighting is really lovely. In LA, I love the intimate, little LA Comme Ca. But In Vegas that shit’s the size of a ladies bathroom. The Vegas Comme Ca is 10 times as big with 50 foot ceilings and enough tables to seat anyone who’s ever eaten at the LA version. You literally feel like some sort of elected official or movie star walking into that place – like it’s the Theater Formerly Known As The Kodak on Oscars night, and you’re freaking Julianna Moore (that’s the female celeb I always want to be, and not only because my play name growing up was coincidentally Julia Moore).

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL HAS OVERTAKEN BASEBALL AS AMERICA’S FAVORITE PAST TIME

There is no other way to explain how seven – that’s right seven – Cirque shows could remain open in one city at the same time. And that’s one city which consists of about five blocks. Also, we’re all in agreement that they’re just the same show with the tricks in different orders and their own set of creepy costumes, right?

IT’S SUPER EASY TO WIN 1,000 BONES ON THE BLACKJACK TABLE YOUR FIRST TIME OUT

If you asked me how long I was sitting at the blackjack table after R dragged me away I would have said an hour and a half. We were there for three. If you asked me how many FREE vokda/soda/pineapple juices I consumed, I would have said two. I had four. And if you asked me how much money I won after those three hours and four vsp’s, I would have said, “oh, I don’t know…maybe a hundred and fifty dollars?” I won more like $650, which combined with R’s $350 equaled ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I think it was beginner’s luck. R thinks it was the hours of black jack simulation drills he ran with me prior to our trip (Him:”Okay. The dealer has a 6, and you have 16. Do you hit or do you stay?” Me: HIT! Him: NO! You stay. We just did that one two minutes ago!”). Either way, I’ve decided that if I just never go to Vegas again I’ll be permanently up 650 bucks.

Unfortunately I liked it waayyy to much to stay away…