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How To Be The Most Tolerable Couple On The Block

April 11, 2013
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For not the first time in recent history, R and I were referred to as a couple that single people can tolerate being around. Yes, #humblebrag, but I like to think it counts less since I called it on myself and since I’m about to deliver you some well-researched information.

What’s that? Still counts the same? Yeah, you’re right.

Regardless, I wanted to know what it meant to be a two-some that singles can stand. Does it have something to do with how un-couple-like we can or cannot be? Or are there universal things that all vom-worthy lovers do in the presence of their unattached friends? Here’s what the peanut gallery had to say. FYI these are not specific to the way R and I behave (or don’t), but they’re specifically how we’ll be behaving moving forward.

Sessions with them are not like some “we” fest recap of every amazing thing they’ve done together in the past six weeks. 

Agreed. My biggest peeve about people in general is their inability to see outside their fabulous, amazing, conversation-worthy world, so this makes sense on the couple level. Even if you spent 99% of your time together doing things that would fascinate the Most Interesting Man in the World, shut up and ask the people you’re with what they’ve been up to lately, and try to know some things about the world so you can share topics of conversation beyond the brunch place where you recently read your respective favorite sections of the New York Times.

The PDA’s are at a reasonable level and frequency

As a single person I once went on a date with a couple who literally held each other throughout our entire two hour dinner. While they were well within their rights as individuals to share an intimate embrace in the restaurant booth, I found it somewhat offensive. If you’re dining as a group, dine as a group. Or as one friend said, “you can hold each other on the couch when you get home or when I pretend to go to the bathroom for ten minutes to avoid this dinner.”

They don’t follow each other around at the party

I hadn’t thought of this one, but it’s true that there are those couples who cannot function apart from each other at a given event. It’s, “excuse me, I’m going to see where R went,” or, “hey has anybody seen R? I need to tell him that the darker orange cheese is the better of the two orange cheeses.”  This is less annoying and more just pathetic.

They don’t do all their inside couple joke (or fight) things and then refuse to explain them. 

It looks like this:

  • The Girl: Oh my god honey, they have swiss chard on the menu. 
  • The Guy: Don’t start with me…
  • The Girl: What? I’m just saying…swiss chard…here at this restaurant. Interesting…huh?
  • The 3rd Wheel: What? what’s wrong with swiss chard?
  • The Girl: It’s nothing. It’s just this things that we have.
  • The 3rd Wheel: What kind of thing.
  • The Girl: It’s stupid. 
  • The Guy: She started it. 
  • The 3rd Wheel: Just tell me. 
  • The Girl: No, no, no. It’s stupid. Just an “us” thing. Forget it. 

They ask you to take pictures of them a dozen times when you’re together

It is nice to capture special moments on digital film, and it is appropriate to ask the friends you’re with to take those pictures. It is not nice or appropriate for that to happen more then five times during one session, especially if you’re going to ask for retakes when you don’t like how you look. Exceptions include: major holidays, big trips, birthday parties.

They don’t try to set you up every time you’re together. 

That looks like this:

  • The Girl: Ugh, honey. Who do we know for Jane?…
  • The Guy: I don’t know. We’ve got to know someone. 
  • The Girl: I know… We’ve got to crack this nut so that Jane and this guy friend we obviously don’t have can double date with us. Wouldn’t that be so fun Jane? 

Don’t flatter yourselves by thinking that every single person in your wake is just waiting for you two love birds swoop in and deliver them their future.

They complain about how old and domesticated they’ve become

One example explains it all:

  • The Girl: You were out until 2am?! Oh my god we’re in bed by 10 every night.
  • The Guy: No, you are. 

And finally, the best of all the examples I heard:

“When the girlfriend is always picking at the bf in public like he’s some sort of monkey. One of my friends actually licked her finger and wiped some crap of her guy’s face mid-conversation, and he didn’t flinch. That’s a problem.” 

That is a problem, and one I will now think of every single time I want to pick a piece of lint of R’s shirt when he’s in the middle of a conversation… 

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