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Things I Learned at the FIRST EVER New York Sunday Night Sex Talks!

January 8, 2014

On Wedding Planning vs. Marriage Planning

January 8, 2014

Surrendering to the Perfect Bride Body Obsession

January 8, 2014

This is going to be short because I’m A. mortified by my complete and utter defeat over the powers of the wedding devil on my shoulder and B. have to finish the rest of my writing work so I can fit in my Jillian Michael’s DVD before R gets home to we head to a Pilates class.

Yes, that’s where we’re at.

I’m four months out from my wedding, two months out from my first dress fitting, and hell bent on getting into to best shape of my life.

For the past nine + months of my engagement I have sworn to myself that I wouldn’t go crazy about losing weight. Aside from annual check-ups at the doctor, I don’t even weigh myself. I’m in fine shape right now, my wedding dress was ordered in my current, perfectly fine size, and if I lose too much weight I’ll have to pay more for alterations, and there’s nothing I want to do less than pay more money for any element of this wildly costly process.

Nothing except, apparently, have the world’s most perfect wedding waist…and arms…and butt…and inner thighs. Will anyone see my inner thighs? Nope. No one. Can my dumb bride brain understand that fact? Nope. She can’t. Why? Because she’s the worst.

The other day she spent two hours looking for suitable YouTube videos demonstrating the proper moves to achieve perfect arms and then, after deciding a custom plan was the only option, reached out to a trainer friend. She’d removed any and all dairy from her work-week life. Yes, that includes crumbled feta on a salad aka the only proper way to eat a salad. If a bread product is going to be consumed, it must be gluten free, full of flax seed or made with spelt – and she doesn’t even know what spelt is!

Apparently this is inevitable. I’ve spoken to several credible sources who confessed that they too fell victim to the wedding world’s most annoying rhyme (shedding for the wedding, but only because say yes to the dress doesn’t rhyme). So maybe I should be less annoyed that I’m just your average white-dress wearer and more surprised that I ever thought I’d remain above it all?

Whatever. I don’t have time for pop psychology around wedding prep weight loss. I’m way too busy fighting the ridiculous urge to go on the Special K diet for the next six weeks then round that out with a 14-day Master Cleanse. I believe I will triumph, but only because I love food and the way my brain functions when I eat the proper amount of it way too much to be a full-on idiot about this whole thing.

But don’t be surprised if I come crawling back in a few weeks with confessions of $150 a pop Pressed Juice cleanses. Real Me is no longer in charge here. Bride Me has officially arrived, and that bitch is bossy!

Jessie Rosen resides physically in LA and mentally in NY. She writes scripts, books, articles, sex stories, branded content and killer e-mails.

8 comments

  1. I just got married in August. I too was a normal size before wedding and wanted to drop a few lbs/ tone up before the wedding. What you are doing now is not sustainable for 4 months and is not necessary. If you are going to go crazy, and you will, wait till 4-6 weeks before the wedding.

    What I did: 4 weeks before the wedding I stopped eating processed carbs (ie no bread, pasta, easy on the sushi rice) and I started working out once a day or twice if I had time or I had skipped a day because of work. I was eating mostly eggs, salads, hale and hearty 10 vegetable soups, Just Salad green thunder smoothies (with soy milk instead of coconut), sushi and then chicken, salmon, or pork for dinner with a veggie, tried not to drink (i def cheated with a glass of white wine near the end when my friend got engaged). I did 40 minutes on the eliptical and also some exhale barre classes (not great for building stamina or strength but perfect for making a pretty body)…also tried to do Tracy Anderson arm workout each day. Her videos are on you tube and they work. I went down from 117 to 107, which is pretty much my college weight when I ate and drank what I wanted and it didn’t matter. My arms looked tone and my butt looked good in my dress (do some stair climbers- 5 mins per day will do).

    This wont work for everyone and may not be a perfect plan but I think 1 month of crazy is way better than 4. I know people are touchy about their workout regimes and you are prob getting way more advice than you want so apologies in advance!

    Love, a Reader

  2. It happens to all of us doesn’t it? Unlike you I hadn’t always been happy with my weight. I’ve wanted to lose weight for as long as I can remember and so when I got engaged I kindna had that feeling of if not now then when? You know what I mean? So I did some googling and signed up to the Bride Body 100 Day Challenge. Committing to a 100 day plan felt achievable. They send me everything each week which is good because it takes the stress out of trying to think about what I should be eating/ how I should exercise etc out of the equation. They even send me my shopping list each week already written out for me. Does it work? Time will tell but I’m up to Day 50 and already I have to admit that’s the longest I’ve ever stuck at something. So far in the first 50 days I’ve lost 22 pounds in 50 days. I still have a LONG way to go to get my goal weight but for the first time I actually think I might get there with all I’m learning about how to lose weight and most importantly how to keep it off-which is a big part of the Bride Body mindset lessons. I’m super inspired by all the stories they share of brides who have done the Challenge and can’t wait to be one of their success stories one day too! 🙂 If anyone relates to my story and is interested check out http://www.getyourbridebody.com
    Good Luck with your diet changes Jessie! I hope you feel better for it. Friends who have given up dairy have said they’ll never go back.

  3. As a guy growing up with six older sisters, I enjoyed reading about your pre-wedding prep. Loved the way you ended it too. I’m not married yet and not considering it in the near future. If and when that day arrives, I’ll be sure to look out for the “shedding for the wedding” mindset in my bride-to-be.

  4. Here is a great book that will put all the wedding stresses in perspective. “The Wedding Gift,” by Margaret A. Hofmann, out at Amazon.com.

  6. I feel you.
    To keep my pre-wedding fitness regime on track, I signed up for a half marathon that was approximately 2 weeks before my wedding. What kind of crazy person does that?!

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