There’s an article that people have been hate-posting on the Facebook this past week about that tired, old old issue of how some ladies intimidate men with their lack of lady-ness. You can find that article here.
But before you start reading it, take note of the website from which it is posted: eHAdvice – a blog from the fine folks at eHarmony. I have nothing against eHarmony (other than their annoying commercials), but their business model isn’t exactly predicated on the grey areas of real life. They like rules…created by questionnaires that you can answer in 15 minutes or less.
That said, the source doesn’t change the message, and the message is one I’m really tired of hearing:
Men are not intimidated by your success, ladies. They love that you are successful. In fact, they admire your ambition and accomplishments. What they don’t like is the masculine energy you literally bring to the dinner table. What men want most, what they ask me for when I find them matches, is a feminine, nurturing, kind, caring, easy-going woman.
I don’t just hate this because I think it’s wrong. I hate it because I think it’s dangerous. I’ve always believed that any dating advice based on you modify a major part of your personality will ultimately bite you in the ass, and by bite you in the ass I mean get your ass dumped.
But in this specific case I hate the message because the “10 Steps to a more feminine self” are a ridiculous set of suggestions 1/2 grounded in unfair feminine stereotypes and 1/2 simple logic any kind person should follow. Here they are, complete with my commentary:
1. Go home after work and change into something feminine. Then go on your date. Don’t wear your work clothes.
My rule: If you can make it home between work and your date to change into something that makes you feel more comfortable and confident then your work clothes, please do so. If you feel perfectly fine in your work clothes, be they feminine or masculine, keep them on.
Why? Because this date is not worth your job if you cut out too early or a car accident if you drive like a maniac to ensure you have time to slip into those stockings. Also, and I can’t believe I have to say this in 2014, SOME WOMEN FEEL FEMININE IN NON “FEMININE” CLOTHES!
2. Dress like a girl – wear light makeup, soft colors, a skirt or a dress and heels.
My rule: Dress in a way that you feel puts your best self forward. A date is a special occasion so put in a little more effort than you might normally to show the person you’re here to showcase yourself in the best way.
Why? Because if you dress like this old-fashion, stereotypical idea of what a “girl” should be if that’s not the kind of girl you truly are, you are lying, and at some point that lie is going to catch up with you. If this man you’re dating is only interested in that stereotypical kind of girl, you will get dumped. If he was never interested in that stereotypical kind of girl then you wasted time and money on light make-up, soft colors and a skirt/dress/heels. And trust me, that shit’ll cost you.
3. Let the man pick the restaurant (even if it’s not your favorite).
My rule: It’s nice to let the person who initiated the date plan the evening, but don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re very uncomfortable with the choice.
Why? Because no one should do something they really, truly don’t want to do! You’re not thrilled with the establishment’s guacamole, deal with it. You absolutely detest the place for a legitimate reason, say something! Chances are if this dude picked a god-awful option he’ll want to know, and if he loves the spot and fights for it, he’s not your Prince Charming anyway!
4. Don’t be argumentative when you disagree with something he says – agree to disagree and be a good listener.
My rule: There’s no reason to start a fight on a first date unless you’re deeply offended – listen, provide your thoughts rationally, and agree to disagree if there’s no common ground.
Why? This advice has absolutely nothing to do with being feminine. It has to do with not being an asshole.
5. Don’t talk about work on your date.
Wait! Why not?? Why aren’t we allowed to talk about the thing you spend 75% of your time doing every single day??? How is it not lady-like to talk about work?!?!
6. Let him lead (order for you, open doors, hail the cab, etc)
Fine. Whatever. I’m still too hung up on the don’t talk about work think to care about this.
7. Let your guard down. Be warm, genuine – be yourself.
Again, lovely advice for being a human.
8. Smile.
See above.
9. Be appreciative. Thank him for choosing such an excellent restaurant and for planning a wonderful evening. Let him know he did a good job and that you had a really nice time.
Okay…I’m starting to get it. This article thinks the synonym for “feminine” is “kind.”
10. Don’t send a thank you email, text or call him after the date. Let him pursue you. If he’s interested, you’ll hear from him – and soon.
Just kidding!!
Listen you guys. This advice is no different than “The Rules” or any other game-based dating advice that’s been around for ages. It will work on specific kinds of men every single time. If you like the idea of this – if it makes you comfortable and happy – do it, and good luck. But if this is not who you are as a person who happens to be a woman, you’re not doomed to the life of a Cathy comic strip.
Here, in my opinion, is the one and only dating rule you should every follow: be the loveliest version of yourself. If you can be loud and obnoxious, tone it down. If you can be controlling, give a little. If you are a slob, clean up a bit. If you can’t talk politics without a screaming match, work on that.
Approach a date from this and only this perspective: I want this person to see the best of me so they can determine if the best of them is a match. There is no one type of woman just like there isn’t one type of man, though eHAdvice seems to already know that about men because I couldn’t find a 10 things you can do to let your masculine energy shine on a date article anywhere, shocker.
Jessie Rosen
Jessie Rosen resides physically in LA and mentally in NY. She writes scripts, books, articles, sex stories, branded content and killer e-mails.
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They left out the tip about ‘how to iron your man’s socks the right way.’
WTF? This article is de-evolving us. If I am having to rush home from a work day to change out of my clothes for this guy, eat shitty food at a shitty restaurant for this guy and not bitch and moan when he’s being a dick – then he better be Brad-Fucking-Pitt, as far as I’m concerned.
Behind whoever wrote this post is a woman who is choosing what kind of cereal he has for breakfast and he doesn’t seem to like it. Women make up over 80% of the purchasing power here in the US. If I want to wear heavy cat-eye black liner or a pair of pants with motorcycle boots, then I will attract the kind of man who appreciates it.
Yeah, it’s probably not best to bring up the eating disorder you had in high school on the first date. But don’t be a completely different and submissive version of yourself.
There are women that are like the woman described in these tips, and then there’s women like you and me, who don’t put up with bullshit. Frankly, I’d rather be the latter. I never listen, I usually choose the restaurant, I wear liquid eyeliner and chunky boots and I generally don’t try too hard to “make” him like me.
I will never fluff my hair and put on a poodle skirt for some dumb guy. Y’know, unless I really like him. But if I do that, it never lasts in the end. Because I start resenting him for not being the girl he wants and he eventually sees who I really am and then it becomes a big old mess.
Maybe EHarmony needs to put themselves and their writers in a time machine to travel back to the 1950s, already.
yes. all of this.
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I love the way you structured your response. I think responding individually to each of the pieces of “advice” was a good approach. It’s far more typical to see rant-style responses (especially on Facebook) to articles like this, and rants often disregard some valid points made by the person they’re ranting against. The fact that women are being advised to smile on a date is not attacking womenkind, and the way you responded by simply saying that’s “lovely advice for being a human” was graceful while still making a point. The problem here is that women are singled out and told to act one way based on gender. If we want to advise someone on how to act, it should be in order to make them a better person, not a better man or a better woman.