Hi! You’ve reached my (beloved) former blog. Come find me & my current work at JessieRosen.com

Are you too brave, are you too safe…or are you too smart?

July 24, 2012

How did you, would you, will you feel at 29.5?

July 24, 2012

The 8 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

July 24, 2012

My friend Liz passed me this interesting article on elements of a healthy relationship. It came as a PDF, so I’ve pasted the full details below. The writer is  Mark Sanders, who bears the letters LCSW, CADC next to his name. I think that makes him some sort of psychologist. I’ll look into it and get back to you.

To me the most interesting point he makes is “The Couple Is Able to Argue in the Present.” I don’t even think I realized there was a difference between arguing in the present and arguing in the past. The former is, “I’m upset about this current thing, and we’re going to just talk about this current thing I’m upset about.” The latter – arguing in the past – is more like, “I’m upset about this current thing, but I’m going to bring up all the things I’ve been upset about for the past few years as well.” R and I don’t argue (about things other than my shoe count and the fact that he always leaves his jeans on the bedroom floor), but that’s good advice for relationships in general. Keep things in the present AND resolve things so they do not linger.

Take a look at the rest of the elements, and share your thoughts on whether they’re right or wrong. Like, “Develop a spiritual life.” Do you think that’s important to a relationship? If so, why? If not, why not??

                        THE 8 CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 

For many years I worked as a therapist in private practice. While clients came to me for help with emotional crises involving losses, difficulty functioning— both at work and at home—even financial troubles, the majority—mostly women— sought ways to build healthy relationships. Their concern was couched in many phrases:

“I’ve had 18 bad relationships in 18 years.” “Why do I always date people  who disappear?” “Why do I always pick losers?” “Do I have a ‘U’ in the middle of my forehead that stands for ‘use me’?”

For many, developing effective romantic/interpersonal relationship was the last area of growth. Long after other issues had been resolved they were left with the question, “What is a healthy relationship?”

Below is a list of the 8 characteristics of a highly healthy relationship. 

Characteristic No. 1: Both individuals in the relationship are whole. 

It is my belief that one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high in this country (57%) is
because of the concept of 1/2, which many people take literally. It sounds like this:

“He is 1/2, and upon meeting her, he becomes one whole. She is 1/2, and upon  meeting him, she becomes one whole.” Two half people have a hard time making a 
relationship work, because they’re often too glued together, too dependent upon each other, or too addicted to the other. Relationships would have a greater chance
of succeeding if two whole people entered them.

Characteristic No. 2: Each partner is growing and encouraging the other to
grow.

Effective relationships involve continued growth—for both partners, even if it
takes them into divergent areas. Many clients would tell stories of their reluctance to
pursue their dreams, fearing that their partners would leave them if they embarked
on a growth path. Some even told stories of their partners actually disappearing as soon as they started to achieve their goals, then returning when they gave the goals
up. It is important to go for the goals anyway.

Characteristic No. 3: Each has a separate life outside of the relationship.

This includes activities in which they engage with friends, sporting events they watch or
participate in, hobbies, or other interests they pursue. Time away from each other
gives them the space that all relationships need. It can also add excitement when
they are reunited. 

Characteristic No 4: The relationship does not have too much jealousy.

I once heard Maya Angelou say, “Jealousy is like salt. A little salt spices up the food, 
but too much salt can destroy the food.” Jealously in relationships seems to work the 
same way. This illustrates the importance of having separate lives outside the
relationship (Characteristic No 3). This can help each partner spend less time
focused on jealous thoughts. It also illustrates the importance of having a spiritual
life (Characteristic No 2).  By focusing on your internal world, your higher power,
or your purpose for being, you have less time to be jealous. 

Characteristic No. 5: The couple is able to argue in the present.

Resentments have probably destroyed more relationships than any other human emotion. Resentments in relationships are often caused by holding things inside that bug you,
irk you, or anger you slightly, letting them pile up, and then exploding. You can tell
when your arguments with your partner are wrought with resentment, because you
usually argue about several things at once and/or use events from the past as
ammunition during your fights.

Characteristic No. 6: The absence of all abuse. 

That includes physical, sexual, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. We have learned that abuse in relationships is often progressive. A partner who hits you once will almost always become more
abusive later. The exciting news is that if you have developed a relationship with
yourself (Characteristic No. 1), nurture your spiritual life (Characteristic No 2), and
have a support network outside of your relationship (Characteristic No. 3), you will
have the insight to avoid abusive relationships and the strength to leave one if it’s 
already abusive.

Characteristic No. 7: There is absence of strings attached to giving.

Many of my clients reported being in relationships that were conditionally loving. This
pattern is often traced to early childhood experiences in which the clients were
loved, “if they were ‘good’”; “if they made good grades”; “if they made their 
parents proud.” If they failed in these arenas, love was often pulled away. As adults,
many clients mentioned being in relationships in which gifts were used as control, as
was sex.

Characteristic No. 8: The partners are gentle with themselves as they develop
new relationship skills. 

 My most common finding was that clients who had patterns of unhealthy relationships came from families that did not mirror super-healthy relationships.

If you didn’t see it, how do you know what it looks like? This can take  years to discover. The phrase, “We seek progress rather than perfection,” which is 
common in the twelve-step literature of such groups as Alcoholics Anonymous, can
be applied when individuals are learning to have healthy relationships. It is my
belief that one of the purposes of relationships is to teach us lessons. People tend to
repeat patterns until they learn the lesson that the relationship is there to teach
them. If you learn the lesson, there is no such thing as a failed relationship. Some
people give up on their partners and make statements such as, “I’m not going to try 
to fix this particular relationship, because ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.’” 
Thank goodness people aren’t dogs. People are capable of change at any age. The 
reality is that the only person you can change is yourself. Even if your partner does
not change, you can still seek joy in your own progress. 

58 comments

  1. I’ll help you out with that one Jessie 🙂 LCSW = Licensed Clinical Social Worker, CADC = Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor

    xoxoxoxo

  41. It’s nice to have blogs. It helps spread education. Teachers like me really see the value of education related blogs as a big help in updating and providing teaching information and strategies that I cannot find in printed books since it’s either unavailable or simply the school doesn’t have enough funds to buy such books.
    nlp training chennai

Comments are closed.