So this is interesting.
I know a couple who, upon ending their one year relationship, decided that they would commit to seeing each other for a drink or meal bi-weekly for an indefinite amount of time (yeah, it means every other week).
The idea of the arrangement stemmed from the fact that the two have very intertwined friend circles and would surely confront spending time together often in the future. So why not make those encounters intentional and avoid dealing with the awkward catch-up? Why not take the idea of “staying friends” to an institutional level by enforcing it with scheduled transition sessions?
I was pretty whoa about the whole thing.
For starters, I’m of the band-aid approach to break-ups variety. Rip it off and (respectfully) throw it out. If there’s a deeper friendship there then it can certainly be explored after plenty of time passes. Any time I’ve tried to stay in close touch with someone immediately after a break up it’s lead to additional romantic encounters that prove wholly unproductive toward the ultimate goal of not being together. (How’s that for a euphemism?). I’m not saying may way is the way, but I am saying that I can’t imagine having to see an ex every other week. It would be awkward. It would be painful. It would be, dare I say, a waste of time…
According to one half of the couple mentioned above, the meet-up system is effective and ultimately helpful to both parties. Yes those first sessions are a tad tough to swallow, especially if the breakup was difficult, but you do as much as you can and both come to the table with the understanding that you’re doing the best you can. If it’s just a quick coffee and surface level small-talk, fine. It at some point in the dinner someone gets upset, so be it. Sooner or later the relationship does grow in a different direction. Feelings will change. Awkwardness will subside.
But do they? will they? can it reeeally? I thought (to myself).
Is this one of those keep your friends close and your ex boyfriends closer? Is it built on a what- you-don’t-know-can-hurt-you model? Or is it perhaps about one person instituting a system to keep the other within arms reach for an eventual let’s-make-this-work-again move?
I don’t know the answer (and hopefully I never will), but what say you about the idea of keeping up a relationship after the relationship is over? What’s worked, what hasn’t and what would you be willing to try?
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i think it depends on whether or not they were ever truly in love. or if they ever truly believed that they could bring out the best in each other and make whatever spark they had work. i dont think it’s possible to have a true friendship post break up if you were ever truly in love – or ever truly, ferociously in lust with someone. just sayin.
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I respectfully disagree with the previous commenter. If you were really, truly in love then your relationship is based on more than lust and you will be able to continue to have a relationship beyond the physical and into the friendly.
i’m not sure if i could EVER be comfortable enough to engage in this type of arrangement. i feel like if we can be that good of friends, then we could’ve worked it out. after all, relationships are based on friendship right!? this type of thing never sits well with me because guys always want to be ‘friends’ after the breakup as a way to justify them getting all of the benefits without any type of commitment or responsibility. just let me move on!
http://thriftyandshameless.blogspot.com
At one point in my life, I had a very intense personal connection with a woman who was not my significant other, but rather my closest friend. The two of us connected in a way that I had never experienced with any of my previous girlfriends, and neither of us had expressed an interest in dating each other for various reasons. However, the connection was there nonetheless. At one point in our relationship, a drunken incounter led to a more than casual experience between the two of us, and our friendship was forever changed.
Even though neither of us had entered into the unspoken contract of “officially dating”, we both realized that by investing ourselves so much on an emotional level in our friendship we were more or less doing everything but dating. Adding sex to that equation had made our situation evolve into something that neither of us was ready to face. There had been a violation of trust by both of us, and we could never turn back. After several months, life happened and our relationship status was relegated to occasional Facebook greetings or seasonal greeting cards. Having experienced this, I can understand where your friend is coming from by wanting to maintain her friendship with someone who she will have to see regularly, but in most circumstances, sharing and later revoking the privilege of intimacy is something that most relationships cannot withstand. Perhaps I am wrong and your friend’s experiment can give us all new hope.
By bi-weekly, do you mean fortnightly?