When lacking for people I legitimately know upon which to base my blog posts, I often turn to people I illegitimately know (read: reality TV stars). I possess an above average ability to “feel like I’ve known you my whole life” (read: judge you super quickly) making reality television a delightful source of new best friends.

The newest additions to my circle are the stars of Planet Green’s hit series THE FABULOUS BEEKMAN BOYS. By Planet Green I mean the Discovery Channel network dedicated to all things earth-friendly, and by hit series I mean the only legitimate show they’re airing.

The FBB’s are Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Dr. Brent Ridge – a gay couple who left Manhattan for a life as farmers of a gorgeous Victorian property upstate. I know what you’re thinking and no, I don’t know how you’ve gotten by without this show in your life.

Now to the point.

Josh and Brent have been together for something like 10 years, and they have a shall-we-say fiery relationship. Brent likes things to be a very certain way all the time. Josh likes things to be the opposite of whatever way Brent decides. You get the picture.

I often watch the show and think, god, if that were my relationship I would want out. Who wants to argue that much? Where’s the fun in that? Isn’t it damaging? Doesn’t it leave mini marks that cut away at the relationship? Or is it all just surface frustration that doesn’t really mean their relationship is in jeopardy?

Then Brent answered my question.

“For Josh and me bickering is just a form of communication.”

HHmm. Oookay…

I think what Brent is saying is that because of their specific personalities and the way those personalities mesh with each other, bickering is natural, common, and not ultimately harmful. It’s how they talk to each other. It’s likely how they talk to other people in their lives. It doesn’t come from a place of true anger or upset, it’s just how they express themselves.

…Which is all fine and well except I personally think they could get by without it, and be a happier couple. I personally think bickering is a choice, and not a good one.

I’ve known lots of people in my life who are on the more volatile side. They get riled up easily; they express themselves quickly and without much thought; they feel something and then they say something. That’s essentially what Josh and Brent having going on, and because they’re both quick tongued and tempered they let each other off the hook. It’s sort of a boy-who-cried wolf situation of the relationship arguments variety. If you bicker all the time each individual bicker loses its meaning. You’re not really angry.

I think this is good because the fights aren’t as severe as they may seem to the average viewer, but I think this is ultimately bad because each person gets desensitized to the real feelings of the other.

…Which brings me to my ultimate point: bickering can be controlled.

I’m still under a year into this healthy relationship thing, so I don’t pretend to preach the gospel, but I do know that I sometimes feel myself want to say something nagging to R about an issue that does not requires comment. For example: I like to be very quiet in the morning as I’m getting ready for work. I live with roommates and even though we’re all awake around the same time, I like to keep things around a whisper as I go about my AM tasks. I don’t know why, I just do. R does not feel the same about morning time. He likes to talk and watch TV and discuss upcoming plans at yell volume from the bedroom where he is watching TV way too loudly for my taste to the bathroom where I am silently applying my bronzer. In reality, he is not loud. In my reality, he is.

If R and I were Josh and Brent this would be a major, major source of bickering. Every single morning I (as Brent) would yell at R (he has to be Josh) for every too-loud move I perceive that he is making. R would in turn snap back at me for snapping at him. This would then progress into a bigger bicker about how I’m so demanding and unreasonable, how he can’t respect my wishes and on and on and on.

That fight has not and will not happen because I’ve decided to get over my bizarre morning issue.
And in doing so, here is what I’ve realized about making the decision to NOT bicker:

• A. It can be done: By “it” I mean the decision to not snap. I think people of the bickering persuasion feel like they will absolutely burst if they don’t get their point across. Turns out, you don’t.

• B. I feel better when I don’t do it: Bickering is somewhat instant “gratification.” You feel relief after you say your very important piece but then not good at all when it leads to a bigger fight you never intended to have.

• C. You realize after not doing it that the thing you were about to snap about was/is subjective making it not really your right to yell about it. This one’s tricky. If someone does something either undeniably wrong or very bothersome to you for really legitimate reasons, have at it (respectfully). But if you like dishwasher loaded in a very specific way that your boyfriend can’t seem to get right, get over it.

And that we conclude the very important lesson we’ve learned from two gay men on a fledgling cable network reality show.

For more on the most significant stuff of life watch The Fabulous Beekman Boys whenever it airs on whatever channel Planet Green is in your area. And no, they didn’t pay me to write this post, I just actually like the show that much…which R has graciously decided to let go 😉