Allow me to paint a picture for you and then explain why I think that picture is absolutely ridiculous.
A guy and a girl meet, determine that they enjoy each other and begin “dating.” I say “dating” instead of dating because one or both parties might not consider it dating. There are people who don’t consider the act of joining each other in multiple, consecutive sessions of food, beverage or activity dating. They prefer phrases like “hanging out with.” In the case of this example I’m making up, this guy and girl are not just hooking up. They go on dates. They go out in public together. And when they do both those things, they behave like a couple. She holds his hand. He lets her. You get the picture.
For the sake of this example let’s say they see each other 3-4 times and week, sleep together 2-3 of the 3-4 and talk every other day. This goes on for – say – three months.
At the three month mark one of the two parties is itching for some definition. He/she wants to know what to call this thing they’re doing. He/she wants to know whether or not it’s appropriate to invite him/her to – say – a wedding. He/she would really enjoy posting some photos of the two of them together on the Facebook so that his/her friends/family can be assured that he/she is not going to die a lonely spinster (sorry, lonely bachelor just doesn’t have the same ring, annoyingly).
So she brings it up. (I give up. It’s usually her, and my continued use of he/she has got to be more annoying than a little bit of blatant stereotyping, right?)
He is caught off guard. He didn’t know the lack of definition was an issue. He’s not sure where he wants this to go. He’s now feeling pressured to make a decision he’s really not prepared to make. Plus, he just got out of a relationship/is still reeling from his parents’ divorce/has an insanely busy work season coming up/might join that company soft ball team which would keep him tied up most nights so…
So he suggests they step on the breaks a little. Take things a little slower. Just eeeaassee up a bit sos to keep things even and easy and stress free.
Okay, she says. That makes sense. Let’s take things a little slower and see how that helps.
You’ve heard it a million times before.
My thing is this: how can you take things slower than they were currently being taken? And, more importantly, why would you want to if you like the person?
First part first: You’re not official. You have no formal commitment. You do not see each other every day. You do not talk every day. No one’s talking about flying home together for the holidays or taking a road trip to some wedding. It’s been three months of gradual dating leading to the obvious question of, where is this gradual dating going. What exactly does slowing down mean? Less dates? Less sleepovers? Telling less people about each other? Texting less? Isn’t that called breaking up?
Now onto part two: I have never, ever been in a situation with someone I really liked and thought, hhmm you know what would make this situation better? Spending less time with this person. It’s the equivalent of starting to work out/eat healthy, losing some weight, loving how you look and then deciding the best thing to do next is eat more and work out less. Makes no sense.
And so I say to all the people out there on the receiving end of the, “let’s take things a little slower” bullshit – walk away. Harsh as this is going to sound – if someone has decided after three months of dating that less of what you’ve got going on is better, that’s not a good sign. The goal is more dating. Lots more. The goal is for the other person to feel as though they cannot get enough of you.
Yes, there are people who fear the progression of relationships, no matter how slow and reasonable that progression may be. I’m saying, don’t date those people. Sorry.
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Hear hear. Its fine if you’re having issues with whatever trauma you’ve been through recently (we all go through these at some point), but damn it, be honest with yourself and the person you’re sleeping with about it. Plenty of people are fine havign a fuck buddy if you’re honest from the get-go that thats all you’re up for, but don’t lock people that want a relationship up in bullshit that isn’t going to go anywhere.
Agree with you totally, Jessie. If someone is pumping the breaks when the car is in Park, they’re doing it wrong.
Oh. Em. Gee! This was totally me a couple of months ago (in the stereotypical girl scenario, obvs) and I agree with everything you wrote. I initially agreed to the slowdown and was miserable. I realized it was better to break things off then be stuck in this limbo. I was definitely upset when it happened, but there’s absolutely no reason to invest your time, emotional health, and sense of self in a person who doesn’t want what you want. Period. End story. So thank you for preaching it gurl!
Couldn’t agree more!
I think the girl should say exactly that: “slow down exactly what?” You’re right, if after 3 months you want less instead of more, this duck is dead in the water.
Ahhh this happened to me in April!! I was so confused at first, because he has used the “slow things down” line as well as “I’m used to being friends with someone before I date them.” We’d been dating (yeah, I said it, we were dating) for a month when it happened. I was so annoyed with him that I stopped intitating conversation and waited for him to see if he was interested. And he was! He kept texting me and we even went out once. But then, about 2 weeks after our last date (he tried to get another one in, but I was busy and then out of town), I was scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed and saw that he was now “in a relationship” with some other girl.
All I can say is good luck to her!
I agree with your point and historically have liked that you “tell it like it is” in a fun, witty way but this is a very mean-spirited post. I hope this girl isn’t your friend.
That’s pretty much what the other person is kind of doing anyway. Shutting the door with the option of opening it again later. Walking away is the same thing… maybe they’ll grow up, but its better to get out of that situation than suffer the will they/won’t they.
I was in a situation like this where the guy and I were officially together for two months, couldn’t get enough of each other type of thing. Then one day he said “Maybe we should just be friends, I still care about you but can’t be in a relationship right now.” WTF. First thought was he had another girl. I went crazy for a few weeks trying to figure it out, but it wasn’t.
My thought is, if you like someone that much, you work your issues out together. Dating is a precursor to marriage and a life together, if you can’t commit on little things because of whatever is so difficult about your life right now, you’re never going to commit.
UGH.
Ha. I first read this when I hit the 3 month mark with my “casual, non-exclusive” relationship that was definitely exclusive and not casual. On the mark, things suddenly got “too serious”. Now that we are no longer dating he wants to see me more and is very persistent about maintaining our friendship… hmmm
I’m a guy in the girl’s sterotypical role with the girl in the steotypical guy’s role.. but it hasn’t been as long.. i like her and want things to progress into something more… meaningful? what do i do..? how long should i wait for? because when i bring it up, she tells me “let’s just see how things go ok..? i like you, but i wanna get to know you better.”