Andrew and I were gchatting the other day about something relating to guys and girls’ relating. It may or may not have been on the topic of why I’m single (which we all know is because I let a co-worker win me at the dating auction instead of Creepy Mc-Wow-You-look-like-that-girl-from-Glee.)
I was making the oft-made argument that guys say they love it if a girl is really independent, but they really don’t (which means it was definitely on the topic of why I’m single). My point wasn’t that guys don’t like independent women. My point was that there’s a very fine line between independent being a turn-on and a turn-off. I think guys have a 3-little-bears-to-porridge view of independent women (for my international friends – baby bear didn’t want the porridge too hot or too cold, had to be juuuust right).
I thought Andrew was going to lay into me with a you’re-single-because-you-put-men-in-unfair-boxes lecture, but instead he said something I’d never heard anyone say before.
“Yeah – just like how girls say that want an emotional guy, but they really don’t.”
Touche…I thought. That may be the most interesting comparison between guy/girl hang-ups that I’ve heard since that discussion about guys and girls on marriage planning.
Question is – is it true?
Do girls claim to desire a man who’s totally in touch with his emotions but turn-a-nose at guys who fit that bill? Is this, like the Men vs. Miss Independent situation – a not too emotional, not too stoic, juuuust right issue?
Thinking back on friends, family, people-who-email-the-20Nothings-account-with-random-thoughts I can definitely say that many women express a desire for a guy who isn’t so closed off. I’ve heard, “I wish he could tell me how he feels” or “He never has any feelings about anything!” Also, “_______ would never go see that movie with me.”
So there’s undoubtedly a desire for a guy to be more expressive about his feelings, understanding of a woman’s, and willing to see chick flicks. That’s universal. We want guys to provide exactly the support we need in the exactly the right way specific to whatever we’re crying about. I know a girl who fakes a crying tantrum early in a relationship to test the guys’ coddling skills. This is terrible (slash hysterical), but it cuts to the gist of the issue – we want guys to know how to be there for us, to understand our emotions and theirs’ to the point of being able to relate and help. And of equal importance is a guy’s ability to explain why-the-hell-he’s-acting-so-weird even though 9-times-out-of-10 we know – leading to the following argument: “I know it’s because you’re stressed about your CPA exam, but I want you to be able to tell me that, and then we can talk about it and get beyond!”
But if you’ll notice, all those things are focused in a zone of the way guys relate to us based on their emotions. We desire for him to be more emotionally connected so that we can receive more understand or communicate better in the relationship. Fine. Smart. Valid.
Not the question.
The question is how do girls feel about a guy who is already incredibly in touch with his emotions?
He tells you exactly what’s wrong, exactly how he feels, exactly when he’s feeling it. If you look sad or confused or any different than you typically look he’ll bring it up, and want to sit down immediately to work through it. He will coddle the shit out of you. And if he feels like crying – which he does – he will.
You’re thinking, does this guy exist?
The answer is yes. But are you interested?
Andrew’s point was that that guy is who girls’ say that want but get weirded out when they experience. That’s the guy they say, “I mean he’s amazing, but he’s almost too good to be true. _______ thinks he’s gotta be gay.” Is there a line where emotion covers manliness and the guy is rendered unattractive? Is it the same deal when a women’s independence covers her femininity?
This is a sexist conversation (that I’m having with myself…). It applies when a woman is too much like a man or man too much like a woman, they’re less attractive to the other. It suggests that there are ways we think a man should be, and same for women. And it assumes that at least most people agree.
I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t know if it’s universal. And I don’t know, if it’s true and universal, where I fall on whether it’s a fact of life or a terrible condition we’ve created.
I just think it’s fascinating.
What do you think?
16 comments
Comments are closed.
I am absolutely guilty of this. Emotional guys are great theoretically, but I think what maybe we actually want is a situationally emotional guy. Maybe we want a guy who will be emotional when we are. That’s completely unfair, but it’s true. If I’m dating a guy who gets emotional about everything, I’m thinking “Okay, I get this enough from… well, myself.”
I am 100% dating this guy right now (minus the crying part, at least not that I’ve seen). He is super in touch with his emotions, puts his feelings into words eloquently, and coddles the sh*t out of me when I’m having a bad day with “aw babes” and “you need a hug/kiss from me”‘s. Honetly, I thought I would hate it, but I kind of dig it. 🙂
Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t want, and never have wanted, an emotional guy. No thanks. I’d rather go to my girlfriends when I need a good cry. Or my mom.
I really, really want to send this to my boyfriend! But then he’d want to have an emotional talk about it. >:/
I’m a guy and just recently got into a relationship with the most independent girl I have ever encountered in my life. My last relationship was with the most dependent person I have ever met in my life (sadly this is true by every measurable quantity.) The girl would set up a tent and live in my brain if she could. She clung to my every word. After telling myself I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone so needy again, I’m not so sure anymore. Knowing I was always wanted, and I was the team captain was a great feeling. People aren’t sure me and the new girl are even on the same team. I am starting to believe needy beats independent.
I completely agree. I have been on 3 dates with a very sweet, emotional guy and it drives me nuts. I want to tell him to man up and stop acting like a woman. My brother says that I don’t like the sweet emotional expressing guys…and he is right when that completely overtakes his manliness. I feel when he expresses how he is feeling it comes across as clingy. There has to be a happy medium here. A guy who doesn’t act like a chick but can watch chick flicks and comfort you when down but doesn’t completely shut down all his emotions. I don’t think that is asking too much.
Just like the friends episode where Rachel asks Bruce Willis to open up and he ends up crying for 2 days straight. Astute point as always, Jesse
Afterthought Preface: this is long…
Preface: Crying makes me uncomfortable. I’m kind of an emotionally challenged female. I wouldn’t say I don’t feel things but its kind of hard for me to express emotions other than anger and amusement.
That being said, the topic of this post is something I struggle with on a personal level. I attract that guy! And there are some some sheep in wolves clothing. Thinking I’d bought into a relationship with a mans-man, I’ve been faced with discussions about how I could, “Be a little more affectionate in public”. UGH. I’ve been told, “You don’t have to push me away because you feel we’re getting close”
*record scratch* what!?! I’ve been forced to ponder both why I attract these men and how to identify them. A search and destroy, one might say. I haven’t found a method. The fact is…you never know. Cause they could be all, “I’m a man and like wings and plaid shirts, football, and bros” and then they get to know you a little and they’re all up in your business asking about how you feel and wanting to hold your hand and looking at you with those caring puppy dog eyes so you can see your shocked/weirded out/disgusted reflection in their puppy-dog eyes.
why? why, God?!? It just seems like a bad idea. I’ll just end up ruining them for some other girl who wants a *cough* cuddle. rite?…not right…I have to believe its some sort of cosmic balance thing or that some higher power doesn’t want me to end up an old saggy lady who yells at school children everyday at 330. Maybe subconsciously some part of me needs another person to pull emotions out of me I just need to care about someone enough to let them stick around to do it. To be clear I’m never attracted to the overtly emotional guy…never want em. Costumed in their masculine bravado THEY find me. I guess the summation: you can want what you want but you get what you get
I’m with all in the dance. I like me a manly man, a guy’s guy. Who can fix things. And who is kind of an ass sometimes, but never when it matters.
Maybe that’s why I’M single, haha.
I’ll be honest, I don’t want a clingy, emotional guy but I don’t think ANYONE wants that in a partner! Also, my main thing is actions speak louder than words and really I’ve found that the men who talk the most do the least.
I have YET to date a guy that doesn’t in some early stage on the relationship, cry in front of me. It’s heart wrenching when guys cry, we just aren’t used to it. We all know what to do when a girl cries, but I think most of us choke up when a guy does. I also don’t understand how the hell I attract these men while at the same time earning the “pretentious ice princess” nickname from friends. Like, wtf? Why does this keep happening?
But I stopped wondering so much about this when I realized that I do fall for it — the men I really fall hard for are the ones that can’t seem to help feeling things deeply, who are richer in personality because they wear their bruises. And it’s better in the end I think, to be with a guy who’s got some emotional baggage on the surface so we can deal with it up front and not like, two years down the line. On the other hand, I think the mothering instinct is dangerous in relationships and I think guys can be very manipulative in this respect.
Shouldn’t there be balance? A balance between the communication/display of emotions and the actions associated with addressing those emotions– whether on the happy side of the scale or sad?
I mean, I know people– men and women– who display no emotions. And I know both sexes that wear their entire history of their hearts on their sleeves. I’ve seen the best relationships work because couples balance each other out.
Who wants to be with someone who’s exactly like him/her? We’re supposed to grow from one another. Someone who’s clingy learns independence and the same is true reversed. You just have to be willing to learn and change.
If you’re with someone who refuses to learn anything from you, like the fact that you hate emotional outbursts all the time, and if you’re also unwilling to learn from the person you’re with, that’s more telling to me than anything else.
The allure of independent girls (I’m one of those guys guilty of this) is that they won’t smother the relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes you find they’re emotionally distant, which is why those relationships tend to not work out.
What we probably need to look for are for girls who can respect “guy time” without the guilty trip. But that’s a hard attribute to define – we oversimplify the search as “independence”.
In the same vein, I wonder if there’s a false association being made with being emotionally in-touch with being communicative.
Do I want a girl who will let me do things by myself when I need the time? Absolutely.
Do I want an independent girl? Yeah, because she gives me the above… but only if she remains emotionally connected through the relationship.
SUUUUCH an interesting topic. I dated a guy last year who was the emotional one. He was in touch with, expressive about and had no control over his emotions. And dating him was an whirlwind. There were other things that kept me there and wanting more — we had a very strong connection in some ways — but I never knew what he was going to feel, want, etc, etc.
I am now with a guy who is much less emotional. I recognize the pros of this because he is stable and happy and content with himself. But there are times when I am feeling very emotional and I think I wish he was able to tell me how he feels… are we on the same page?
When that happens I remember back to when me and my ex were both feeling emotional — and the consequential emotional volcano that would erupt. Ahhh, not fun!
I don’t think it’s that a girl wants someone to be emotional or not to be, to relate or not to relate. I think we need (and I said need, not sure if want applies) someone that complements us. If we are up and down, we need them to stabilize, and vice versa.
If my SS is willing to tolerate my emotional outbursts and help me work through them — instead of compete for the monthly emotional-unstable award — then if he can’t always understand why I “feel” the way I do, so be it. No one is going to understand everything about you… it’s part of the bigger package that they offer (no pun intended).
Great blog! Just found it and am loving catching up on entries.
Just found this blog too; props!
Your comment:
” I know a girl who fakes a crying tantrum early in a relationship to test the guys’ coddling skills. This is terrible (slash hysterical), but it cuts to the gist of the issue – we want guys to know how to be there for us, to understand our emotions and theirs’ to the point of being able to relate and help”
That’s not hysterical, that’s flat-out manipulative. It doesn’t test anything from the man other than his ability to navigate a manipulation; a fake and confusing illusion. There’s no understanding of emotion since the emotion is a farce. It’s cruel.
I am dating an emotional guy & I love it. He knows just when to talk to me bout things & if im too upset he will say baby we will get through this & we will talk about it when we are in a better mood. He so protective he takes on my problems as his own. He tries his best to keep me as less stress as possible. I show my appreciation by thanking him telling him how much I love & appreciate him. I also do the small things that he least suspect. I find myself falling in love with this man. He cries when we discuss our relationship & when he tells me how lucky he is to have me. Also when we talk about our future. My baby even cries when watching sad movies & not no boo who n just tears streaming down his face & we always console eachother & say how fortunate we are. I LOVE MY EMOTIONAL MAN.