A female friend and I were having dinner at an Italian restaurant on St. Patrick’s Day because it seemed like too much of a challenge to catch up with all the wasted kelly green polo shirts stumbling around the village.
We spent the first fifteen minutes like we typically do “catching up” about other people, the next fifteen catching up about work stuff (She is building toward being an independent producer, and I’m building toward being independently produced…) until the conversation turned – as it always does when two girls are dinner-ing together – to boys.
- She segued: “So, have you been seeing anyone lately?”
- I replied: “No, I’m seeing absolutely no one lately…”
- To which she, with a sigh said, “yeah…me too.”
And then I said something that I’ve been thinking for a long time now but haven’t quite been able to put into words…
- “I know I need to put the effort into going out and meeting guys,” I said, “And I’d like to be seeing someone great, of course, but when it’s between spending time working on that versus time working on my writing or this video thing I started or any of my crazy projects – I just always pick those.”
It felt as weird and wrong and awkward to say out loud as it just did to re-type.
- “No, I know what you mean,” she said. “I feel the same way.”
- “Right?” I said, “I think it’s because, so far, no guy has been more exciting or seemed more worth it than any of that…”
- “Yeah,” she agreed, “I think we’re those career obsessed women they talk about…”
They’ve been talking about those career-obsessed women for a long time now. Women who put the climb up their ladder of success before more traditional mile-markers of female progress – marriage, home, kids. What they tend to say is that those women struggle to date, get married much later, and delay having kids until – in some cases – it’s too late. They say those women want “it all” – the corner office and the picket-fenced-in 2.5 kids, but that they’ll find having it all – if it’s even possible at all – means a timeline that won’t look like that of their less career-driven female peers. And then they say that it takes a confident, patient, equally-career-focused or content-to-let-the-woman-earn-the-pants-man to date slash marry this woman.
They say more, and they say different things too – but those are the generalizations, and anyone who says generalizations are no way to observe life has never been a 26-year-old single woman in Manhattan.
The thing is – I don’t feel like that woman. In my head it isn’t, “as soon as I sell a screenplay I’ll start focusing on finding a man” or “if I can get to X salary level by Y age I’ll relax, switch gears, and get married.” In my mind there isn’t this platform I’m reaching for before I’ll say, “fine, that’s enough, now let me do that other stuff that’s life is all about.”
To me, the stereotype of the career-obsessed woman is that she needs to achieve, succeed, and earn before she’s willing to step out of that rat race and surrender to marriage and kids – that her self-worth is entirely connected to her business stature.
But that’s now how I feel at all…
I feel like there are things I want to accomplish now because they’re making me a more fulfilled person. I feel like learning what I’m focused on learning and producing what I want to produce right now makes me happy and excited and proud. That’s not attached to any salary level or line on a business card – that’s about how I feel as a person in this world. Right now that is more of a priority to me than the effort it may take to find the right partner. Right now, in the opportunity/cost game I’m having trouble finding the same value/worth in spending time finding a relationship versus time finding myself.
The question probably is – why can’t you do both?
If someone fantastic for me came along would I walk away, absolutely not. I’d love to be dating, I plan to be married, and it’s incredibly important to me to have children. But if right now if he said, “I want you slow your projects down and focus on building a family with me,” I’d say I wasn’t ready. And if he said, “it’s me or X project you’re so focused on,” right now I’d say, “then it’s X project.”
Does that make me a career-obsessed woman? I want to say no. To me, “career” feels so limiting and “work” related. Can’t I be “person” obsessed? or “product” obsessed” or “legacy” obsessed? Can’t I just be looking to be with a person who appreciates my desire to make things that have meaning for myself and other people?
If you told me right now that I had to choose between writing a series of beloved novels that would touch people for generations to come or marrying a wonderful man, I’d pick the novels. Does that make me career-obsessed? Foolish? Wrong?
If you told me that if I leave New York and move to LA to pursue a career in writing I’ll decrease my likelihood of getting married before I’m 40 by 75% I’d say, well shit, that’s unfortunate…
Yes – all of the choices I’m making right now are for myself and my future. Few if any of them are about setting myself up to meet and marry the right guy. I am fully aware that’s a huge part of why I’m single, and I’m fully okay with that. But when the world looks at me, my priorities, and my world view – I’m not comfortable with them assigning the “career-obsessed” stamp.
Are you?
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working girls work it:
http://thegloss.com/career/fake-it-til-you-make-it-how-to-lie-your-way-to-your-dream-job/
xxoJZ
I love this post. I love that someone else FEELS like this and isn’t afraid to say it.
…All I want in life is to prove that I can do it all on my own: I can live by myself, provide for myself, and provide for anyone else that should come along. That’s why I’ve been trying to do what I’m trying to do. For my own self worth, to know that I can and will do anything I set my mind to.
I want love, a family, a marriage, and a future with someone. But I’m just not going to sacrifice my self worth for someone else’s timeline. If we’re really in love, and really meant to have a future and a family together, it would best start with both of us being happy and pursuing our own passions and being respectful and supportive of that.
There have to be guys out there that love our passion as much as we do; as long as we remember that those are the special ones, and treat them as such when we find them.
Thanks for this. Made my day to know there are other girls out there who are a little concerned about this generalization, but also not willing to give in to the pressure.
I think my favorite part was when you talked about being career-focused as being no different from any other kind of focus. I liked the entire post, though.
Nobody ever says, “She’s not the marrying type, she’s too fashion-focused.” Putting all your time into creating your look could prevent you from meeting the best kind of person just as much as putting all your time into a job!
I myself have never understood how you could be “too busy” for a relationship. Too busy to take care of kids, yeah… But too busy for a relationship? I think it’s totally possible to see a busy person once or twice a week and have it work out. I really think it’s all about the quality of the person, not the quantity of time you have to spend with them…
i had this exact realization last night, and i see it entirely as a positive. for something like 2 years i was focused on trying to find a guy who would make me feel loved and happy, and then i finally realized that, even if that guy is out there, he’s not leaping out of the woodwork to be with me. the thing i can control is my career, and if i do what i want and prove to myself that i’m good enough, i’m happy anyway, and i did it by myself.
I think part of the reason we become “career-obsessed” is that having a family, being married… all of that always seems sort of inevitable. The family, the settled down mother of x children, the house in the suburbs … those images have been in our head forever, but filling out what the rest of your dream life looks like doesn’t happen until now, if we’re lucky.
I think maybe eventually we get to a point where having a family feels like a more pressing need, and we realize either we’ve achieved enough success for now or we can put our plans on hold for a few years. My mom changed careers 4 times that I can remember, and is still fine-tuning it at age 55.
I think as 20-somethings, we forget that our lives don’t just plateau once you start a family.
There’s always one night stands.
I love this post too and was just thinking about this exact thing. When deciding whether or not to go to business school, my therapist said, “well do you want to advance your career or find a husband?” She went on to tell me that if I choose business school, I would probably find myself further and further from finding a husband, having kids,etc. I had the same “well shit, that sucks” moment. However, I challenge this thinking…how do you find a husband? what does this look like?
I chose business school because its an attainable, fulfilling goal that will not let me down. Thus far, “finding a husband” has been a never ending search of disappointment. I wouldn’t call myself career minded, I would just say that I am choosing the safer bet.
I’d have to say that even with family/kids you don’t need to slow down your career. That is a stereotype. There’s always nannies, au pairs, grandparents, etc… I think that once you do find the love of your life, those projects, your career, etc… won’t be as important as you think it is now. I think you just haven’t found a guy that changes your mind yet. Once you do, you’ll find how silly this all may sound to yourself later on down the road. Just my 2 cents!
I don’t think that passion has to change just because you find the person you’re going to marry, so I’d have to respectfully disagree with Anonymous a little. I’m not good with pop culture and am not going to google it, but aren’t there a lot of power couples out there? I believe that even if two people are insanely different (you, writer, he, doctor or astronaut) that you can fuel each other’s passions. It’s complementary not contradictory. Even with children. But this involves a lot of foresight, sacrifice, cooperation, and compromise. I don’t believe you EVER have to sacrifice your passions; you just have to get creative about fulfilling them.
That being said, it is easy as a career-focused person to hide behind goals and ambition and blame that pursuit of your passion in place of the truth which is being too afraid of getting hurt. I have found that, for lack of a better phrase, type A personalities fear not being able to control both work and personal life, so they hide behind work because that is something totally within their power to influence. A relationship becomes infinitely more complicated as you are balancing perhaps another type A personality, other passions, goals, etc.
My point is that career-focused does not mean relationship-void. And relationships/families aren’t the death of the pursuit of passion. It just takes a strong person to find the balance to manage it all. As a late 20-nothing, I’m not sure I’m willing to enter children into the scenario, but the rest is coming along. Now if only I could get paid as hard as I’ve been working.
I don’t think that passion has to change just because you find the person you’re going to marry, so I’d have to respectfully disagree with Anonymous a little. I’m not good with pop culture and am not going to google it, but aren’t there a lot of power couples out there? I believe that even if two people are insanely different (you, writer, he, doctor or astronaut) that you can fuel each other’s passions. It’s complementary not contradictory. Even with children. But this involves a lot of foresight, sacrifice, cooperation, and compromise. I don’t believe you EVER have to sacrifice your passions; you just have to get creative about fulfilling them.
That being said, it is easy as a career-focused person to hide behind goals and ambition and blame that pursuit of your passion in place of the truth which is being too afraid of getting hurt. I have found that, for lack of a better phrase, type A personalities fear not being able to control both work and personal life, so they hide behind work because that is something totally within their power to influence. A relationship becomes infinitely more complicated as you are balancing perhaps another type A personality, other passions, goals, etc.
My point is that career-focused does not mean relationship-void. And relationships/families aren’t the death of the pursuit of passion. It just takes a strong person to find the balance to manage it all. As a late 20-nothing, I’m not sure I’m willing to enter children into the scenario, but the rest is coming along. Now if only I could get paid as hard as I’ve been working.
I think you’ll meet him when you meet him- probably when you least expect it. You never find a guy when you are looking!
don’t move to LA. it sucks just as much as NY and you won’t meet a boyfriend here either. the dating scene is in no way less better or less fucked than it is on the east coast. you’ll probably end up nostalgic for NY, missing your old friends and regretting your move.
Hi…new to your blog. Just wanted to recommend an interesting book (which coincidentally I named my blog after), The Best of Everything by Rona Jaffe…about career girls in the 1950s. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend, because its weird to see how little has really changed…
I have to agree with all of this. You never find a guy when you are looking. You don’t have to sacrifice anything to have it all. But at the same time, sometimes you need to put more focus into one thing than other things, and sometimes, that is your career, especially when you are just getting started, so that’s something to consider as well.
I agree with anonymous number one – working on career is concrete; finding a husband is not; therefore, we do the concrete. I can’t just sit around twiddling my thumbs hoping to chance upon Mr Right, and, unfortunately, finding a husband is the one thing that we can’t control and make happen through force of will. I have to be doing something while I’m trying to meet Mr. Right. And, unfortunately, that doing something prevents me from spending as much time as I should looking for a husband.
It’s a catch-22.
I am 26 and have yet to settle into a career. I have had numerous jobs since graduating and wonder if I will ever manage to forge a career at this rate.I tend to put time limits on achieving this. it’s not that I am career-obsessed but obsessed with finding the right job for me.
At 26 it is appropriate to be career oriented. Give yourself a break. It is a wonderful feeling to find something to do with your life that you are passionate about. Just a word of caution though…things change. What you are passionate about now may leave you a little empty later on in life especially around holiday times when families are on everyone’s mind. At some point you will retire from your career and will you have been satisfied without a family? If the answer is yes then good for you. If the answer is no then you might want to re-evaluate your long term priorities.
I like how the author of the post writes a long sob story about how she isn’t really “obsessed” with her career when in fact it’s all she cares about. A true selfless person is more concerned with raising a beautiful family and setting your children up to succeed. The women of today, however, are so concerned with themselves that even when they have children, they still only care about how to further their career. This may work one generation, possibly even two- but what happens down the road when we have legions of children raised by child care corporations whose parents are nothing more than financial support for them? Our society has few morals and values left as it stands, but just imagine what it will be like then!