Let’s try this out from time-to-time…
The comment:
“Hey Jessi…I had a life-advice question for you. My crush (and good friend and 3 years my jr) is basically Mr. Likeable on steroids–smart, passionate (about life in general), hard working, reliable, goal-oriented (but not too much), values relationships, loves his mom, etc etc. He’s always surrounded by these girls all the time — his friends? or adoring public? I don’t know. both? — and I know because he’s my friend I shouldn’t mind anything but him being happy. The thing is, I’m jealous. I don’t think it’s okay that we be in a relationship just yet… tho maybe down the road…??? And I don’t want to get in the way of things. But SERIOUSLY, what can I do? Right, so that’s my quandary. All wisdom (or simply funny anecdotes) welcome. THANKS!!! ~ K”
My comments:
K, please know that my gut reaction when reading this comment was, “who slash where is this guy, and how inappropriate is it for me to ask…” This speaks to the fact that a. I have a one track mind but b. this guy’s a complete magnet. I like him, and I don’t know if he has so much as a deal-breaker last name (Rosenthal, Rosenstein, Rosenbloom, Rosenbaum…Rosen…). Point (here) being, he’s built to insight jealousy – not your fault.
But point overall in this case is here: “I don’t think it’s okay that we be in a relationship just yet… tho maybe down the road…???”
To be timely – I felt like attractive-if-not-for-that-nose guy wearing suit-that-cannot-possibly-save-one-from-explosives upon finding the detonator inside some abandoned Buick when I read that part. That’s a bingo.
Let’s back-it-up: you have a crush on an amazing guy and, as such, feel jealousy when other people (some your friends) are attracted to him, date him, interact with him, etc. Good: that confirms you like him. I believe it’s an extension of the no-pain-no-gain correlation but of the emotional world, and yes, I agree it sucks.
What I’m concerned/confused about is this “I don’t think it’s okay that we be in a relationship just yet” situation. Why not? Are you preparing to leave for the Peace Corp? Did you recently break off an engagement? Is he involved in training for enter the CIA? Did he date your sister less than 6 months ago (there are rules around that…)?
I admit there are reasons you can’t quite approach being in a relationship with someone – that’s what I’m getting at here – but does this qualify? Step one: answer that.
Step two: when you realize it doesn’t – you’ve got to purchase a bottle of wine, order in some Pad Thai, and try to figure out why you think you shouldn’t be in a relationship with this guy right now.
Awhile back I wrote about going from being friends to being more. The thesis statement of that post was – at a certain point you’re going to have to decide if the pain/frustration/jealousy/the-list-goes-on is more unbearable than all the issues that may arise if you give it a go. Does it hurt more to be avoiding it than it would to just band-aid it…
You could fall out of crush with this guy and just magically stop being jealous – maybe you’ll meet someone else? maybe he’ll meet someone else?… – but it’s not likely that your brain will put it to rest until there’s legit closure – a legit answer. Maybe that answer is that you guys end up together. Maybe it isn’t. But sitting in these chronic feelings for a guy is painful – truuuust me (twice) – and I’d argue it’s more painful, in the long run, than jumping off that cliff and giving it a go – even if it turns out not to be right (twice).
No, you shouldn’t mind people giving him attention, adoring him, and getting involved with him if he’s your friend. The problem is – he isn’t. He’s the guy you have a crush on, and unfortunately that means the rules and feelings of friendship don’t apply. You can’t blame yourself for that – or for any feelings. The only thing you can blame yourself for is letting it go on without making a change. Maybe that change is you shift the “friendship” and move on to spend time with other people. Or maybe it’s that you figure out a way to express your feelings and understand how he feels about you.
I don’t know which I really recommend – depends on a lot more factors – and I don’t know quite how to do it if you realize the answer is to jump (e-mail always seems sensible…but cowardly…) – but I know jealousy like this can rear its ugly head after too many vodka sodas in a potentially public manor… (just once).
Good luck.
1 comments
Comments are closed.
I like your advice and would add one thing – it sounds like this guy is pretty terrific and it’s likely that he will always attract female friends and females who want more. If you are already jealous of the women who surround him – how are you going to feel when he is your boyfriend and he is still surrounded by these other women? Just saying, his magnetism is not going to change because he is taken and that’s something you will always have to contend with.