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February 8, 2010

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February 8, 2010

The difference between “the game” and “the dance”

February 8, 2010

It was the kind of birthday dinner party where I had to keep sneak-typing blackberry notes under the table to capture all the potential material:
  • “I don’t need someone to give back everything I’m giving – the problem was she was uncomfortable with my being a giver – she’d always tell me to stop, but that’s who I am – how I’m always going to be.”
  • “Gay guys know other guys are gay because of the two-look look – look, pause, look again, gay. That simple.”
  • “I tried so hard to be a lesbian – I mean I really tried – but I just can’t do it.”
And as if that wasn’t enough for a week’s worth of posts, this gem from Evangeline:
  • “People aren’t using this yet, like no one really says it, but I’m trying to work it in – the idea of ‘The Dance’ versus ‘The Game’ you know? The Game is like, well it’s only been 2 days so there’s no way I’m going to reach out to him because he needs to make the first move and blah blah but The Dance is more – well – I guess it’s less rules and more just slowly revealing how you feel. I think people want The Dance and hate The Game.”
It’s a fine line – Evangeline admitted that – but there is something to this difference between playing the game and dancing the dance. Different process, different players, and – and here’s the most interesting part – very different reasons.
In my mind The Game is like this expectations stand-off between two people who are both trying to maintain the upper hand. To play, you have to know the rules; you have to follow the “the way it goes” process.
Neither is going to make the first move first. Neither is going to call before the requisite three days. Neither would ever respond to an e-mail immediately because both are playing it as cool as possible sos not to give the other any edge. He’ll text her, “what’s up?” – she’ll wait at least two hours to respond, if not more. She’ll invite him to a party, he’ll show up with some other girl who’s, “just a friend.” They’ll go on one, two, three dates but still flirt openly with other people, in front of each other.
The bottom line of The Game is that it’s a series of tests: how much does he care? how serious is she? how hurt could I get? And – and here’s the crux of the difference between the game and the dance – 9 times out of 10 at least one player in the game is doing just that – playing. They’re playing it for the hook-up, the something-is-better-than-nothing position, the fact that they started and now feel too bad to stop. Bottom line – they’re not intending for whatever they’re playing to end in a relationship.
The way Evangeline described it, “the dance” is less calculating – far less stand-off-ish. You do the dance because you’re protecting yourself, sure, but you know how you feel, and you know what you want – and what you want is him slash her. I feel like if you had to attach a feeling or emotion to the dance it would be intrigue or mystery… whereas when it’s the game it’s annoying, confusing, frustrating. Mean girls play games – coy girls who know playing a little hard-to-get is part of the attraction, dance the dance.
Of course the obvious question is – if the line is so fine, how do you tell the difference? And once you’ve figured it out, what do you do?
I think it’s about a certain level of respect. You can play a little hard to get without being mean, thoughtless, offensive, and rude. I think when the dance crosses that line into that’s-just-plain-mean territory, it’s the game. When you know you’re dragging it along just because it’s something to do, that’s definitely the game. When you’re toying with someone, not because it’s flirty and fun but because you don’t feel like dealing with it – game. The dance should make you go, hhmmm… The game is more like eewww.
At one point along the way I had a boss that used to say, “if something feels fishy once, calm down and give it a chance. Twice, do a little investigating. But if something feels fishy three times, get as far away from it as possible.”
Which answers the question of what to do when you figure out which one it is…

2 comments

  1. This is by far one of my favorite posts yet!! So many people, both guys and girls play the game but then complain that they aren’t getting a relationship out of it and ending up hurt! I think you explained the difference quite well! Thank thank thank you!! I’m gonna start dancing now so I stop striking out in this whole “game” thing!

  2. I am so glad you liked this!

    Yes yes, dancing is a conversation, gaming is a contest.

    dancing is learning/living, gaming is deflecting.

    dancing is honest inquiry, gaming is smoke and mirrors.

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