I’ve almost written this post a dozen times but never gone through with it because it’s bound to piss people off – people I know. But to go 2.5 years of dating and relationship topics and not cover what pisses single people off about couples is avoiding the elephant in the blog. Whether it’s those first signs of coupledom – the excessive “we”-ing or 180 degree disappearing act – or the things that only set in after people have been together for a really long time – so long that they’re comfortable having a full-on fight at a group dinner… – couples exist in “couple world”, a place that’s sometimes void of consideration for…things outside.
Now before I finally begin, let me disclaim a lot of things to protect myself against the “you don’t understand, you’re just a bitter single girl.” I have many friends in many relationships that I respect, admire, and envy. Everyone falls into these patterns – myself very much included. They’re facts of dating life that we generally grow out of, back into versions of ourselves that don’t revolve around our guy/girlfriend…for the most part. So take these gripes as, “I know it can’t be helped but it’s none-the-less annoying, so…”
- This phone call/IM/e-mail/g-chat: “Hey, what are you up to this weekend? You know _______ is out of town so I wanted to see if you were around to do something.” I know this is totally harmless. I know it means, I have free time without my significant other around and would love to spend that time with you. But what it feels like is, since my other half is gone I have nothing to do sooo you wanna do something? My preference: lie to me. Tell me you just want to hang out because we haven’t seen each other in awhile. Later when we’re together drop the “yeah _____ is away on business.” I know you’re trying to stack your social time for when the person you want to spend 24/7 with is away, but I’d feel a lot less like you only want to see me because they’re gone if you didn’t say “want to do something because ______ is gone?.
- Me: “Hey, do you want to join for dinner tomorrow night, a bunch of us are going out.” You: “Sure, what time should we meet you there?” Thanks to Mrs. Lokitz my 5th grade Language Arts teacher I have an excellent command over pronouns. I know when I want to say “you” to represent “you, the person I am directly speak with” and when I want to say “you and ________” to represent you and the person you’re dating. This tends to only be an issue when someone first gets into a relationship. In their head they assume and believe their new boy/girlfriend should always be invited to everything that’s happening with the friend group. There’s no nice way to say this so – they shouldn’t.
- Lines of the following variety: God, I would NEVER go back to being single, it’s impossible out there. Thank GOD I found ________, I would have killed myself if I spent one more day on the dating scene. Being set up is the absolute ONLY way to meet someone like _______. I’m not sure what someone is looking for in response to a line like this, but I tend to say things like, “yeah, you sucked as a single person” and “I would have killed myself if I were you too” and “Good to know – I’ll stop asking people to set me up.”
- Complaints about your boyfriend that are not really complaints but rather more ways to talk about your boyfriend disguised as faux complaints. “__________ sent flowers to my office again! I mean how embarrassing! He’s so annoying. I was like stop!” Or “________ loves to surprise me with where we’re going to dinner but then we get to, like, Del Posto and I feel like I’m not dressed up enough! I’m like, this has got to end!” No comment. None necessary.
- And this gem, from my sister Dani: “The need to profess love over all forms of social networking, all the time. That’s the end all be all worst thing.” To each their own, but if you could call, text, e-mail or just actually see each other, why would you communicate bak and forth throughout the day via Facebook wall? Could it be because it is mysteriously the only form of communication that everyone else can see…
No prize today, but go ahead and let out all your gripes-against-bad-couple-behavior in comments. I’ll update throughout the day as more come to me…oh…like people who refer to each other in their pet names to others – as in, “Omg Booboo and I went to the best sushi restaurant last night!” Never, ever do that.
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you pretty much nailed it. I think girls are usually guiltier of this behavior than guys but I know some guys who straight up disappear into relationships for months and their friends get pissed.
it’s annoying because sometimes it feels like they’re baiting you to admit you’re jealous of them. like, “Gee isn’t being in love great? Don’t you wish you were in love?” I mean, everyone wishes they were in love! Come on! It’s like heroin or something.
I also hate when people defend their SOs bad behavior out of “loyalty.” Like if the SO gets drunk and embarrassing and the bf or gf just gets defensive and dismissive because they’re so invested in the idea that their partner, and their relationship, is perfect.
Good post!
I’m 99% sure that they ARE baiting in almost all cases. Only a tiny, tiny proportion are really that socially clumsy; and those ones tend to be the type that think out loud and daydream a lot.
I swear a hefty number of people in this world just get into relationships to have a ‘complete-the-set’ accessory to plaster on their facebook wall and whitewash over their own self-disappointments. Or fill their ‘friends’ time up with inane waffle about their SO, because without it, they would have literally nothing to talk about besides their office gossip.
Maybe the loyalty thing plays into a self-delusion for a lot of people. I think a lot of people like to pretend their partner is near faultless, because it implies that they are too; otherwise the partner wouldn’t be with them. Hence, some might find that a criticism of their partner spoils that illusion, and serves to remind them of their own failings.
In any case, I’ve found a good remedy when feeling like the unwelcome circle in a room full of squares (what I think a number of couples quite like to try to do when talking to single people) is to go enjoy something made by a less conventional person you admire, who doesn’t try to mask or overcompensate for it. My personal faves are Devin Townsend and Peter Dinklage, right now.
thank you for posting this!
right now i am the ONLY single person in my group of girlfriends and all the “we” crap is starting to be unbearable…i’m glad someone knows how i feel!
I don’t really have these problems because all… my… friends… are…. single?
Yep, all single. What’s wrong with this picture?
I’m married and find all of these things to be annoying. I think it’s important that whether you’re in a relationship or not, you should keep a identity of your own. Go out with your friends, do things separately. You don’t have to meld into a single entity all the time.
But I am guilty of using “we” too much. I admit it.
I would love to add one to the list. Let me begin with saying I have amazing couple friends. I even as a girl have the trusted ability to hang out with my friends bf’s solo as a single gal. I am very fortunate for the most part. And while I love hanging with my couple friends, I HATE when they forget that you are there and make you feel like that nasty 3rd wheel. It’s only happened a couple times, but when it does you want to peel your skin off, leave it at the table, and run. COUPLES: Remember someone else is there. And when in doubt of whether or not your next behavior is appropriate, pretend I’m your mother. Or his. More so when it’s to settle an argument. And especially when thinking of being romantical.
Good post. Don’t be worried about it pissing people off. It seems like “everyone” does it, but that doesn’t make it excusable.
If anything, this post helped me really appreciate how ridiculous and unhealthy this kind of behavior is, and makes me less likely to engage in these habits in the future.
Except for the facebook thing. When done unaccompanied by other annoying stuff, I think it’s kind of cute.
Most complaints that most people have about couples seem to come from bitterness at being alone… but the fact is, most of the habits you mention are just obnoxiously inconsiderate.
My (very loosely applied) rule when it comes to couple vs. rest-of-the-world relations is that, if you take any behavior and insert “best friend” where “significant other” would be, and it sounds wrong, it probably is.
“Sorry, my best friend’s not around, can we hang out?” “Oh, a dinner party, Nate and I will be there at 8.” “Me and Nate spent the whole weekend quoting the Simpsons, I was like, ‘Oh my god, stop!'”
“It was good times chillin with you all weekend, can’t wait ’til next time!” posted on a facebook wall is not so bad, though.
dude, thank you for calling out the “elephant on the blog” (haha) I feel the same way, but luckily my closest girlfriends are all mostly single and the one’s who aren’t date our other guy friends! but i hear you and feel your pain…
My parents like to argue in front of my family. The kids are to young to understand but it makes me and my wife uncomfortable. I always wounder if I am going to act that way when I am their age. I continue to tell myself I will not but it does worry me.
I like your post.
Well said!!
To the couples: we love you, promise. However, stop it!
I love when every single status message is about their significant other, like they have to shove their alleged love down as many e-throats as possible.
I really think you need to have a boyfriend to understand. Sorry.
Ofcourse. If you dont have a boyfriend right now, you have never been in love, dont understand intimacy and cant identify really annoying behaviour in others. I get it now.
These are funny. When I think about the couples I like the most, none of them consistently possess these qualities. I think the couples who do so have some insecurities that they compensate for by being more dependent than is good for them. The healthy couples I know are just as comfortable being separate as they are apart and understand when it’s friends time and when it’s boyfriend and friends time. They also don’t need to prove their relationship by broadcasting it in public ways. Like I said, those issues you wrote about are just ways of dealing with a lack of security within the relationship.
You’re right, I’m sure many of us at some point are guilty of at least one or two of those couple habits. But you should have added exhibitionists to the list. Like excessive PDA or overly touchy couples. I think if I were to jot down those top 10 situations that are just awkward and annoying, being forced to watch a tickle fight between a new couple ranks right up there.
No better way to make someone feel like a third wheel. I think from now on if I find myself in a situation like that I should yell, “me too! me too!”, try to join the fight and see how quickly things end. Lol.
This post is absolutely amazing. As a perpertually single woman, these comments are something I can laugh at because a lot of people I know are guilty of it.
This post is what my blog Rebel Cinderella would call ground-breaking. You are in a relationship? And you think I should care because????
Haha, love this. So unbelievably true! When I’ve been in relationships in the past and done these things, I feel like I was always aware of it and tried to stop, is everyone like that? I don’t know, but I’m single now, and I just roll my eyes when these situations come up. I really hate when someone literally can’t tell a story without their SO in it, or then recapping what their SO thought of what happened to “Mike kept teasing me about it all night!” Yes. I understand. You have someone to tease you about stupid shit you do, is that really a necessary part of your story?
I’ve come to another conclusion based on everyone’s comments… especially anonymous @ 5:10. (Show yourself, you yeller bellied chicken!)
I think that, in general, the most annoying couple behaviors are the ones that seem designed to prove that the couple is a couple. The public displays, the constant references, the “we”-ing… When we do that, we do it because we’re trying in some way to solidify the existence of the couple. We absolutely do it out of insecurity.
I know that, in any case, when I feel insecure, that’s when I start doing the annoying stuff. When I haven’t been feeling too insecure, I just haven’t done it.
oh my word. welcome to my disgust of a life that has become my married friends and beyond.
“want to hang out? ____ is watching the game with his friends.”
NO!
How about I say “Want to hang out tonight? I have nothing better to do and all my fun, single friends are busy…”
I too have thought of posting this…cheers!
Really enjoyed your post. Sooo true. I may have been guilty of at least one at one of these at some point but I can totally relate.
And let’s not forget about those pesky PDAers.
Thank you, Thank you! The first one really upsets me!!
Anonymous said…
“I really think you need to have a boyfriend to understand. Sorry.”
February 3, 2010 5:00 PM
LOL. I really think you need to be single to understand. Sorry.
Love, Love, LOVE this article. Truer words have never been spoken. I am the last of my single friends and while I do love the partners my friends have chosen and even consider them to now be my friends as well…dinners, BBQ’s and functions of any sort have turned into a “who did you get to fix your water heater” and “what baby diapers are you using” conversations and there I stand, doe-eyed and BORED! I have begun to reject these invitations because frankly, I would rather sit home and stare at my dog then have to finagle the conversation into a direction that doesn’t involve lawn maintenance or first haircuts.
I can’t remember the last time we did anything just with the girls because every time we try, someone chimes in that their husbands feelings are hurt that they were excluded – with that being said, I have a feeling that if we were to get together, it would be a husband-bashing session anyway.
Again, no thanks…would rather stare at my dog!
I’m the only single girl left in my group of friends, and I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced many of these things. The inconsiderate comments of “i would hate to be the last single person, noone will be excited for your wedding”, to the incessant “have you met any guys yet”?. I recently moved to a new city across the country and my coupled friends wanted to plan a combined bachellorette party here. Well… this super fun girls weekend of parties has turned into a couples weekend… of which they would like me to host for one night (when they aren’t with their family who live in the city). Blah….. and very inconsiderate.
I discovered your blog a few months ago and I’m going back to read your posts from before I started reading. I absolutely love your blog! This is the first post I felt compelled to comment on.
My biggest peeve is when in the presence of a couple, they start (jokingly) teasing each other and then one says, “See what I have to put up with?” It always seems like one party is putting the other down. No, you don’t have to put up with it. You have someone who cares enough to be with you, you shouldn’t belittle them like that, especially in public and especially when it was clearly a joke.
And I totally agree about “you” getting confused with “we.” I hate it when people invite their significant other to crash one-on-one time.
Thank you for this article! Finally someone who understands!! lol I am mostly in a group of single friends, but the annoyance has come mostly from my sister and her boyfriends. I had to deal with them “blending together”. Jeez, not even one year into the relationship and all their Christmas gifts are hand made Martha Stewart style, they made together (awwww! :-S), with both their names on all the family gifts. What’s worse now is al that lovey dovey stuff has worn out and it’s old. Ugh! The facebook one is annoying too! Who wants to hear that you were “so tired” from a hot steamy night together. Yeah, that interests me–I was watching a movie in my pajamas…I try to be respectful of others. I ‘ve had too many years as a single person to learn how to be sensitive to the feelings of others.
And to the single people, don’t believe the hype all the time. When people have to talk about how they get phone calls, love notes, and flowers, it’s more a sign of insecurity to me. They are trying to cover up something that’s not right, but by overshadowing it with other things.
Great post, you’re a good writer. Oddly, I found this while google searching how to deal w single friends who don’t understand my married life. What I’ve learned from your post, opinions and concearns from both sides and my own experience is that both sides, singles and married folks simply need to make a better effort to communicate and understand eachother…Regarding your first perception of your being annoyed when married friends call when their spouse is out of town….you mention you prefer they lie instead of making it sound like you are second fiddle….as a married guy, allow me to politely recommend an alternative…I think acceptance is a necessary leap hear for you and simply toughen up and swallow the, “you are second fiddle” pill. Harsh?…I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty sensative as a guy and almost already regret writing that last sentence but what the &@$#….what ate we doing on this planet?…Let’s be honest for the short time we are here…your second fiddle…you ARE the alternative when spouse is out of town. It’s honest and may be difficult to swallow but I maintain it’s a necessary element in keeping it real and frankly, addressing and dealing with the Elephant head on. By lie ing, we only feed the Elephant. Great post..
girls deals things differently… we would be the types to have more emotions involved than just the feeling of having fun with friends.
Most of us think of our friends as sisters, so it is sad to find yourself feel replaced or the friendship/sisterhood don’t mean crap anymore…
I’d like to add a few:
1) Don’t tell us how lonely we are/ suggest we are helpless, and we need your help ever since you got a date and magically became a self-proclaimed relationship guru: Remember how you cried into that ice-cream after coming home drunk with us? You were asking what was wrong with you, and whether or not you had enough to offer a partner? We do, because we were more sober than you (some of us were shrewd enough to record it; and might consider playing it back if you annoy us enough). Remember how exposed and dependent that little episode made you look? Ever think about how the fact that you are only happy with a SO makes you a rather needy, dependent and vulnerable person. You’d hate for us to bring that up, and we’re too polite to (for now).
2.) Imply that singles are not allowed to do things couples do, which don’t require two people:
I am a human being, not a dog. I do not need a partner to take me walkies or pick the food that goes in my bowl. Hence, I can go on holiday; to a restaurant or to and art gallery/ show/ museum etc on my own whilst enjoying the freedom this brings; and you can stop inventing fault with it.
3.) Tell me intimate details about your sex life: Yes, it is natural.. so’s shitting. So why the double standard? Oh, that’s right: You don’t want to picture me shitting. Funny! I don’t want to picture you having sex. Especially when I only ate 40 minutes ago. There is no value for me in this discussion. You are not giving any useful tips for my future; and to be honest, it’s unlikely you’re genuinely good enough to be giving good tips. Besides, the internet has plenty of tips and diagrams if I want them. What you’re trying to do is brag. You missed out the bit about your bad breath, the stains on the sheet, the unflattering wobble of your cellulite/ belly. If the purpose was sharing, you wouldn’t be sugar-coating it. Besides, do you think your partner wants me to know all this? No, they probably don’t; and I don’t either.
4.) Purposefully over-complicating your problems: First of all, unless there’s any significant danger in not reaching outside for help; I think a couple’s personal problems should stay within the couple. Your friends and friend-of-friends do not a have a right to your partners personal past, family relationships, medical information etc. There’s a reason all professionals who handle that kind of information have to sign legally binding confidentiality agreements. If you want to talk to a friend for help, do it together and agree what both parties are willing to share and not share. Also, show some freaking gratitude to that hapless friend, who’s just been dragged into this more-than-likely stupid argument centred around the washing up. No it isn’t a complex problem filled with psychological intrigue. The problem is: Neither of you enjoy doing the washing up. The solution is to take it in turns; just like every other couple facing this problem. Whats that? No, you don’t need a more complex solution because you’re different from the other couples. You’re 99% the same as other couples; just like you’re each 99% the same as a chimpanzee. That’s also why you’re making such a convoluted fuss over who should do the washing up. Another 1% and you’d be flinging your waste as well as screaming.
I could probably think of more!… but, for now, I won’t ;P
Edit to 1.) Some are lonely; some aren’t and some alternate between the two. In any case, no-one is interested in being lectured to about their feelings by someone who needs another human being with an associated social status to cultivate any sense of worth for themselves and their life.
For over three years since my partner died I have been on my own every weekend. My friends are busy with their partners family but when you have none like myself it hurts. Im okay to see monday to friday but god forbid the weekend.