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Romance in a time of technology

October 19, 2009

Pumpkin Part II: sometimes you stay with someone for reasons that have nothing to do with them

October 19, 2009

Relationship detective: a “well then why are they dating…” story, in two parts

October 19, 2009

Tendencies toward over-evaluation of relationship issues runs in the family, apparently.  The below is the first contribution from my first little sister, Dani.  It’s part one of a two-part story about a relationship with a million and one parts.  Part one: what’s going on slash what one girl thinks is going on.  Part two – to come Friday – why it’s going on slash what’s really going on…
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A friend of mine, let’s call her Pumpkin (to establish the appropriate autumnal theme), has gotten herself in quite a pickle. After months of seeing the same guy, a guy that she has considerable history with, she knows that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. There are the usual signs: general disinterest, a lack of communication, the fact that he will do anything and everything before finding time to see her. But he has remained steadfast in his dedication to her – when he is free or has nothing better to do. 
This pickle has been marinating for quite some time, and my friend has not made any strong movements for or against the situation. She has expressed that she is SURE he is using her – only wants to see her when it’s convenient for him, not making any effort to go out of his way, and other deal-breaking moves. 
After months of said behavior, Pumpkin has finally decided to endure it. I was immediately struck by her choice – willingly letting someone have a complete disregard for your feelings? Not the most popular choice, needless to say. But it was Pumpkin’s rationale that really got me thinking. She said that she can handle it. She has a complete understanding for the conditions of the relationship – or lack there of – and would rather accept it as it is than take the heel-toe express to greener pastures.
I was flattered that she thought me wise enough to take on her predicament. I am only a few years into my 20-nothings and give notoriously bad directions when in a moving vehicle. My immediate reaction is that Pumpkin is setting herself up for failure. She is not going to adapt her feelings to mirror the ambivalence that she is being shown. Instead she is simply going to let it happen. Emotional masochism at it’s finest. 
Now, the last thing I want is to get called out for being an hypocrite. I participate in my fair share of emotional masochism. I have often found myself listening to Adele in the dark with a pint of ice cream. And anyone who knows me has seen my highlighted and dog-eared copy of He’s Just Not that Into You. And because of these conditions of my own psychosis, her choice sparked my interest. Pumpkin realizes that she is in a speeding car heading for disaster but instead of slamming on the breaks she has armed herself with a helmet. Does an understanding of the situation really keep you from getting hurt? Can you protect yourself by stepping on the gas and enabling the coming accident?
I wish that I had better advice to give my autumnal friend. And even now, I’m still not sure what I really think. Part of me thinks – get it girl! At least reap some benefits from this guy who is not ready to bring his emotional ingredients to the table. But maybe we should be thinking about this from a different angle. Pumpkin knows that her man-friend is not going to commit – she has assessed his actions (or inactions) and understands where he is coming from. So maybe she is an emotional masochist, maybe she has been listening to a little too much Sarah McLaughlin and has not been paying attention to Daily Wake-Up Call #65 (He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you. “Hanging out” is not dating.). Or maybe she has a realistic understanding of her relationship. Her expectations are aligned with reality and not her hopeful yearnings.
The verdict is still out. Maybe even if you know the accident is coming, you can still enjoy the ride. 
End Part One.
After reading part one I asked Dani to go play detective to get part two.  My questions were as follows:
To say that “she can handle it” is one thing.  My question is, why does she want to handle it? Which parts of this non-relationship of convenience are worth dealing with the bad parts, the disregard and “being used” that are described? How does she feel inside the relationship?  And would she feel worse/better outside of it? Without him?  
Dani’s reaction is that Pumpkin is setting herself up for failure.  My reaction is that Pumpkin is accepting “failure” already – or rather – accepting something so much less than what she wants that it may as well be straight-up failure.  So my question is, why doesn’t Pumpkin want to succeed? Does she think she can’t? Is it just easier to keep this guy around for the hell of it? Is she sticking around until he does something so terrible that she can really point the finger? Then it’ll be his fault entirely, and she can end it with valid reason.
A few days ago I wrote about hooking up with exes and why sometimes, if you can’t stop, you may as well keep doing it until it all falls apart.  This is a story about someone who can’t end a relationship that’s already over.  Instead of coming out on top – ending it herself – saying “this isn’t working for me because we want different things and neither of us is willing to compromise – she’s saying this will never last but whatever, I’ll just stay in it until it all falls apart.
So which is it? Does Pumpkin really not care?  Can she really handle it for the sake of…well…there’s another question…for the sake of what?  Or is something else going on here?
To be continued… 

13 comments

  1. It could be said that she isn’t failing as long as she’s getting something, in some form, of what she wants. The mock-relationship is better than nothing. I can at least kind of see that.

    But the sh*tty part that is hard– to near-impossible– to see is that she’s missing other/better opportunities by continuing with this guy. As long as she is investing her time, even partially, in him, she will remain unavailable to other, healthier potential-mates who cross her path.

    It’s like staying in a deadend job for a paycheck. If any old paycheck will do, then why not move on to a job that you could at least look forward to in the mornings… or in Pumpkin’s case, expect a call from before 1-2am. Unless, of course, she’s afraid there aren’t any other options out there for her. I’ll have to wait for part two though, won’t I?

  2. It could be said that she isn’t failing as long as she’s getting something, in some form, of what she wants. The mock-relationship is better than nothing. I can at least kind of see that.

    But the sh*tty part that is hard– to near-impossible– to see is that she’s missing other/better opportunities by continuing with this guy. As long as she is investing her time, even partially, in him, she will remain unavailable to other, healthier potential-mates who cross her path.

    It’s like staying in a deadend job for a paycheck. If any old paycheck will do, then why not move on to a job that you could at least look forward to in the mornings… or in Pumpkin’s case, expect a call from before 1-2am. Unless, of course, she’s afraid there aren’t any other options out there for her. I’ll have to wait for part two though, won’t I?

  3. Sounds like to me Pumpkin is scared of being alone in the scary pumpkin patch that is being a “grown-up.” Why else would she stay with it? Is the sex just THAT good? I can see that – I expiration dated for a while with a guy just because the sex was that good – but I was able to do it, though he treated me like shit, because I knew ahead of time that the relationship would end, and when it would end.

    Maybe Pumpkin should try that. Tell him, OK, we’ll do this until Christmas, or whatever, but then it’s over. And see what he says/does.

  4. Sounds like to me Pumpkin is scared of being alone in the scary pumpkin patch that is being a “grown-up.” Why else would she stay with it? Is the sex just THAT good? I can see that – I expiration dated for a while with a guy just because the sex was that good – but I was able to do it, though he treated me like shit, because I knew ahead of time that the relationship would end, and when it would end.

    Maybe Pumpkin should try that. Tell him, OK, we’ll do this until Christmas, or whatever, but then it’s over. And see what he says/does.

  7. Maybe she doesn’t want a serious relationship, either, and this is fun until she’s ready for something more. Or, just a way to kill time until she meets Mr. Right!

  8. Maybe she doesn’t want a serious relationship, either, and this is fun until she’s ready for something more. Or, just a way to kill time until she meets Mr. Right!

  9. I agree with KAC. Sure, she can keep him around, that’s up to her. But by doing so, she’s definitely meeting out on opportunities to meet better guys…unless she thinks she won’t get someone better. I guess we’ll have to wait until part two but based on part one, it sounds like she’s settling for what she has because it’s better than not having anyone.

  10. I agree with KAC. Sure, she can keep him around, that’s up to her. But by doing so, she’s definitely meeting out on opportunities to meet better guys…unless she thinks she won’t get someone better. I guess we’ll have to wait until part two but based on part one, it sounds like she’s settling for what she has because it’s better than not having anyone.

  11. You need an exit strategy, period. If Pumpkin thinks she’ll just stay in it until it ends, it may never end. She’s allowing the guy (who she has already admitted doesn’t care for her) to decide when it’s truly over. If nothing else, she should end it for her own self esteem. It’s not going to to feel good when he stops the booty calls to her because he found someone he actually has feelings for.

    There are two types of women: ones who will put up with this shit and ones who won’t. If you won’t put up with it then it doesn’t happen to you, if you will then get ready to relive this faux-relationship over and over until you’re ready for something else.

  12. You need an exit strategy, period. If Pumpkin thinks she’ll just stay in it until it ends, it may never end. She’s allowing the guy (who she has already admitted doesn’t care for her) to decide when it’s truly over. If nothing else, she should end it for her own self esteem. It’s not going to to feel good when he stops the booty calls to her because he found someone he actually has feelings for.

    There are two types of women: ones who will put up with this shit and ones who won’t. If you won’t put up with it then it doesn’t happen to you, if you will then get ready to relive this faux-relationship over and over until you’re ready for something else.

  13. “it sounds like she’s settling for what she has because it’s better than not having anyone.”

    “It’s not going to to feel good when he stops the booty calls to her because he found someone he actually has feelings for.”

    yeah it sounds like she’s trying to delay the pain of the actual break up, as is he (maybe out of pity for her), but it’s still going to be bad when it happens. she might love him and the idea of dumping her freaks her out too much. or maybe she’s secretly hoping he’ll change…

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