You hear this scenarios from time to time:
Someone’s been in a relationship for 4, 5, maybe 6 years — a relationship that’s spanned some serious developmental time (i.e. college to post-grad) such that most people in their adult life have never known them outside of that relationship; it’s much of what defines them. Now they’re fairly certain this person is right for them — the one, if you believe in that — so there’s nothing wrong with the relationship — no major dealbreakers or hot button issues.
But then that someone ends the relationship. Their position: that in order to really know if this is right they need to break up. They need to know themselves outside of the relationship. They need to re-exert their independence. They need to be sure they can exist without this person to feel confident committing themselves forever. They assign it no set timeline or rules, so they know there’s a chance they won’t end up back with that person they want to end up with, but they say, “I need to to spend some time apart from us so I can be sure this is what I want.”
Everyone’s heard of someone who’s made that decision.
There’s no research on how many times those pairs get back (and stay back) together which means we can’t know if it’s a right or wrong move. And when we’re unsure if something’s right or wrong we generally judge the shit out of it until we’ve convinced ourselves that our position is right.
I know several people who’ve recently found themselves on one or the other end of this scenario so – newly fascinated – I’ve asked people to judge the shit out of it until I’m convinced of a position that’s right. Here are their judgements.
Pro the break-up
- Marriage is not something you enter into 95% sure you’re in the place you need to be. It’s a 100% situation. If you want to be apart before you get married there’s got to be a really good reason making it smart to break up so you can figure that out.
- A sense of independence is incredibly important in a committed relationship. If you’re struggling to find that independence — if you feel you’ve lost essential pieces of yourself due to the length, nature, simple fact that you’ve been in this relationship for so long — taking a major step back is the only way to re-set to zero and figure yourself out
- If it’s truly meant to be then you’ll get back together. If you don’t have faith enough in your love for each other to break up and believe what’s right will figure itself out then you don’t really love this person
- Sometimes, after a really long time, you can’t appreciate your relationship until you’re looking at it objectively — outside the relationship
Con the break-up
- If you can’t feel independent inside your relationship then there’s something wrong with the relationship. It shouldn’t take breaking up to “find yourself” or re-connect with your pre-dating self.
- If you’re willing to risk your significant other ending up with someone else that says something about how much you really want to end up with them.
- Breaking up for, say, 6 months while you travel to Europe for a teaching gig is a way to say, “let’s take this time for ourselves and then get really serious about getting married after that” — it’s a joint decision for the mutual good of the relationship. A break-up that only 1/2 the couple wants is a different scenario.
A clarifying point of logic
This point comes straight from one of the most critical thinkers among my group of consultants. If you know her, then you know her. Paraphrased:
- My problem is not that the person wants to break up. If you want to break up and take time for yourself and figure your shit out, go ahead. If you think you need to do that then you should – definitely. But then don’t say you’re sure you want to marry that person. You’re not. Right now you’re sure you want to break up with that person. And while I’ve never been there – I don’t think you can want to break up with someone that you know you want to marry — ever.
I too have never been there. I’d like to hope to god I don’t end up there because I don’t really have time to date someone for 5 or 6 years and have it not work out…
But I do know that hard as that decision would be to make — the harder one for me would be to decide if I could ever take back a person who broke up with me for all the above reasons…
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I have known people who have both made it back together and never returned to the relationship after this kind of break.
Despite the many comments I’d like to make on the topic, I’ll just say this: If someone breaks up to take this time “for me” just to date and hook up with other people, it’s a bullsh*t reason. There has to be more to it than that.
Best case of this I’ve seen, though, ended with two beautiful children and now four years of marriage.
I have a few friends going through the same thing. I think it’s a legitimate feeling and action to take. That doesn’t mean it’s not easy and doesn’t suck for the other person who is more sure. I think it’s just one of those things…
Thank you KAC.
You should be independent and yourself in a relationship without taking the extreme step of breaking up. Maybe you need a little space to work on it. Fine. But the only reason to actually break up is so you can make sure there’s really no one else you’d rather be with.
It might be someone you’ve wondered about for the past decade or just the possibility of doing better upon reentering the dating pool.
Whatever it is, I can’t see any other justification for being “available” during the “finding yourself” process. To quote KAC, it’s just a bullsh*t reason – so you can sleep at night (with someone else).
Interesting, I know a couple “couples” experimenting with this right now and sort of did it myself at one point.
To KAC, who I’m assuming is a female (?), I appreciate where you’re coming from but–and maybe this is just a guy thing–I feel like if someone steps away from their relationship to experiment sexually elsewhere, that’s pretty much the definition of “for me” time. If they tell their girlfriend they’re going to Guam to find God, and then go out partying and having lots of sex, then it would be a bullshit excuse. But if they’re honestly taking time out to see what else is out there in order to gauge how comfortable thet would be in a lifelong relationship with one person, wouldn’t that time include of sexual experimentation?
It has for me. Taking a break from my girlfriend several years ago and hooking up while figuring out some other important stuff (what I wanted to do professionally, where I wanted to live, etc.)ultimately proved to me she was the only one I wanted to be with. Now I know and don’t question it. I knew I was risking never seeing her again by breaking it off, and knew being honest about sleeping with other people while we were apart meant she might never speak to me again. Ultimately, she appreciated me being honest and not leading her on when I was unsure (and she hooked up while we were apart as well).
I don’t think we’d be where we are now, which is a place of certainty, without that time apart.
Whoa. No comment, for obvious reasons. But interesting evaluation on both sides.
Simply put, if someone is genuinely happy where they are,they won’t want to leave. If they think they can do better, have a stronger connection elsewhere, etc., they will desire to leave. The person who says, “Give me time and then let me come back to you as though I never left,” is in need of a clause for “just in case.” Just in case they DON’T find someone else, they need that confirmation that they will still have somewhere to go.
With a career that you ABSOLUTELY adorebut have devoted all of your post-college life to, do you leave because of the possibility that there might be something more fitting? No. You will stay there until you start doubting that this career is where you need to be.
Same thing goes for a long-term committed relationship. It’s not about oneself; it’s about one’s fulfillment.
In conclusion, I say, if that other person allows you to leave and test the waters, they should be prepared for you to not come back. As we get older, people commit sooner, and after graduating from college and grad school, it’s a safe bet that whoever you meet is gonna be looking for their “the one.”
But that’s a topic for another discussion.
Ok if u want my take–it all comes down to pride (mosty)
If you are secure w/ yourself and ur “partner’s” intentions then all is well.
I will say this: I too once thought that I could never love my boyfriend again after he brutally did this to me…but alas….here we are, and I understand now.
Life, but specifically LOVE is such a flux thing anyway. Maybe the problem is how much import we are placing on monogamy.
I dont think sexual experimentation is disgusting. What I do think is disgusting is pretending that all of this can really be as black and white as a blog allows…
As a dude who is currently going thru something very similar, I have to say from my perspective, I was happy that these issues came to light before anyone walked down any aisles and wound up divorced in 5 years. And before anyone says “then you shouldn’t have been together anyway”, the relationship has been better, more communicative and more enjoyable since we’ve taken the time to step back and work out our individual issues.
I’m inclined to think that if one person is willing to risk permanently losing the relationship, it’s a sign that there is something permanently wrong with the relationship and that “I need time for myself” is code for “I don’t want to be with you. At all.”
Yes, some people freak out and make mistakes and then come to their senses and want to start up the relationship again, but they are by far the exception to the rule. To steal another line from Greg Behrendt…”It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.”
I see both sides of the argument but the thing that stands out to me the most is the idea that someone feels the need to completely break it off with someone to find themselves or rediscover their independence. How long does that take and what happens when they return to the relationship? I say this because I feel like if, after more than 4 years with someone, you feel the need to step back and find yourself, then you were not in a good relationship prior to that break up. A good relationship shouldn’t make two people feel like they’ve become one or no longer know who they are as individuals. That’s unhealthy.
I also feel like a good relationship doesn’t involve someone needing to “test the waters” to confirm the person they’re with is the best for them. To me, that seems like settling. Like you went and saw what else is out there and you don’t think you’re going to get someone better so you stick with what you have. That shouldn’t even be a question of what else is out there. I feel like when you know, you know.
Also, I think when someone leaves a relationship to figure him or her self out, they either come back a changed person, thus altering the dynamics of the relationship and the other person must now figure out how to deal with it, or they come back the same and fall back into the pattern of the relationship from before. Either way, that means either more years getting adjusted to the new dynamic and seeing if this leads to marraige or it means going into somethign that truthfully won’t change.
So while I see both sides, I just don’t think I would understand if my boyfriend told me he wanted to take time apart. It’s bullshit.
This is a great post! My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now, and we have of course had our share of break ups and make ups, we’ve even dated other people. Yet and still, he is where its at. We do plan on getting married soon… so I think that sometimes a break up is necessary. If not for anything than to show you what you’ve got at home…
I had used the “need to find myself” excuse with a boyfriend that I honestly loved and thought I’d be with again in the future. It turns out that my excuse was just that, an excuse. The more time I wasn’t with my ex, the more I didn’t ever want to be with him again. There was nothing wrong with our relationship that I could see, it was just that time apart proved to me that I could live without him because I did, easily.
Now I am in a relationship with a man that I know is the one for me. I went from being someone who was scared of commitment and needed time for myself, to feeling more like myself than I ever did alone.
In my opinion it’s a matter of feeling that something is not right, but not being able to articulate it (since the guy/girl has done nothing wrong) and subsequently looking for a painless way out. That way out becomes a quest for “you,” but if you were in the right relationship you wouldn’t have lost the sense of yourself in the first place.
This comes for someone who has happily dated the same person for the past 8 years.
I agree with your most critical consulant, the one that says: ” I don’t think you can want to break up with someone that you know you want to marry — ever. ”
Simply put, it all comes down to having balance in your relationship. It is not a matter of being “apart” but independent and supportive of one another’s interests and careers. You have your whole life to be married, but you don’t have a lot of time to develop your single (unmarried) self.
Each situation is different. For example, I am 22 and beginning uni. My ex is the same age and has just graduated. We’ve been an extremely intimate item since we were 17. Recently something came between us and we broke up in the heat of the moment. Since we’d been living together the process has been slow. She cited that she hadn’t felt like herself . Considering that it’s hard to find jobs at the moment and we’ve been together since such a young age this kind of break up can be a good thing. We both have our whole lives ahead of us and can potentially come back together as stronger individuals who in turn combine to make a stronger team.
I just don’t get it… We’ve been together for almost 8 years. We made plans, moved in together and still love each other. But she said that she feels like she has skipped a stage of her life and she wants to be able to have that while she still can. Being on her own, making choices on her own and knowing who she is as an individual.
We got together really young, but I always thought that if we love each other it would be enough. She said she wants to be able to choose to be with me again, and move forward without any regret.
I’ve always supported her in everything she wanted to do. I never inhibited her from making a choice, and always gave my input in an objective manner. I was there when she needed me, and backed off when she needed her space. I just don’t get it. We went from a fairy tale to this nightmare in a very short time.
All I ever wanted was for her to be herself. I never wanted for her to loose that. The most painful thing is that she told me, that when she thinks about her future, she sees me there, that she sees me as the father of her child. How can you walk away from something that most people would die for?
I would have done anything for her. She was my best friend, and the center of my universe. I would have done anything to make her happy, and I have done everything in my power to make sure she is, but I cannot make her happier then she allows herself to be.
I know that she still loves me, but I don’t know if this tale has a happy ending. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. All I know is that I feel lost, confused and disappointed.
Hello Gabriel. Hope you are feeling better. Do you think you can share how everything turned out? Did she ever return, did you take her back?
No one seems to throw in outside reasons. I am going through the same thing. We dated for a bit over a year n have a very good foundation. However I suffer from OCD and I’m 23 about to enter the job market. She’s 20 still stuck at home n going through growing pains about wanting new friends and the pain of having to eventually leave the nest. My OCD led to us being constantly stressed out so we decided its best to take time apart. I believe that if I can come back into this relationship with a better grip on anxiety and she is happier in her own life so she’s not as stressed we’d be much happier. The break up is not necessarily about seeing other people. Our relationship was good enough that it brought out the things we extremely liked but it also challenged us on the personal problems we have as becoming young adults. I don’t think it means we’re not meant to be together, even though that is a possibility. But I do know that if we want to make it work we need to work on ourselves first and that’s something (especially with an anxiety disorder) I think I can better do alone