Here’s the “more” from last Tuesday’s post — (sorry for the wait Kerry)
In order for this post to work (that’s defined by you going, “hhmmm…” and not, “bitch” when you finish reading it), you’re going to have to admit a few things up front:
- you are trying to find someone to date (you)
- you think certain, specific things will attract that person
- you engage in said things/moves/behaviors/outfits consciously or unconsciously while in places where you think this someone might see you (so, outside your apartment)
What and why you do is based on any number of things:
- maybe some guy complimented your Marc Jacobs “Daisy” and so you henceforth douse yourself with it whenever you leave the house (you’d tell me if it was too much, right Kate?)
- could be that your slow solo saunter to the juke box never fails to deliver a vintage concert t-clad guy to fight over which Stones song is really the best (it’s Wild Horses, but that’s not really bar appropriate)
- or perhaps you have very nice breasts that you’ve come to understand perform well in given necked shirts (F you).
It’s not what you do, it’s that you do it — take your given self and enhance it in ways you suspect the person you’re looking for will want. Consider them add on’s, subtle improvements, fanning of various metaphoric peacock feathers. It’s not 100% lying or particularly faking — but it’s not exactly your true self either. You have an agenda and you’re pursuing it.
To help nudge this from bitch to hhmm let me make it very clear that I am you. So is a do as I say and really wish I could do piece (and blog…).
(Closer) to the point: what’s significant here is that these things you do aren’t the natural things you do to make yourself happy/feel good/confident/etc. Case in point: I don’t dance in the center of most dance floors organized or otherwise in an effort to attract men. I do this because I cannot help myself. On the other hand — last week I wore a very uncomfortable short skirt and heels instead of what I wanted to wear (jeans and cute flats) because in my mind the latter is a more male attracting ensemble. Yes, I know how grossly un-feminist that sounds. This isn’t a blog about feminism — it’s a blog about the truth.
Back to crux of last Tuesday’s post. If I knew I was going to meet a/the right person for me at a 2013 NYC Boston College Alumni event I would do a lot of things differently (namely, start attending those events). Because I don’t know that my logic says to project excellent versions of myself at all times sos to make who I am and what I’m offering clear to anyone who might be glancing my way.
The question around the difference between what I think are excellent versions of myself and what guys think.
So where things get tricky is when we start to project versions of the selves we think people want offered — when we start to behave like what we think we’re supposed to be versus what we are. We go, “I like a guy who is/does x,y,z — I bet that kind of guy likes a girl who’s a,b,c so I’ll do that.” That can come in the form of short skirts we wear on night’s we’d kill to be in jeans or whatever your move du jour. If you’re currently going, “I don’t do that” — try this:
- go to a bar and pretend you’re in a serious relationship/married/a nun whatever (plan it in advance)
- don’t look at any guys
- engage in conversation as if you are certain no one is watching you, and you wouldn’t care if they were
- drink only what you want to drink to later go home and call your boyfriend/sleep with your husband/pray the rosary
- note aallll the things that feel very different about that experience.
Which are just harmless flirting that we all do and should in no way be ashamed of (i.e. sexy eyes)? Which are frankly just you and not changing (requesting of and dancing to Billy Jean — pre MJ’s untimely death I’ll have you know)? And which completely vanish when the prospect of finding someone in that bar is erased from your agenda….?
I very much like to think I know what the kind of guys I like would like in me (read it twice), but there’s a pretty strong chance I’m wrong considering I’m not a guy and don’t have a wildly impressive history of getting one.
Is eliminating those moves that are “us trying” are answer to finding the/a one? I don’t know. But it all makes you wonder if perhaps the reason the right people aren’t picking up what you’re putting down isn’t because they’re not the right people for you — it’s because you’re not being the right person for yourself.
4 comments
Comments are closed.
I love the idea of going to a bar and being myself to see how I feel afterwards. The problem is I wouldn’t go to a bar to be myself! I’d stay right where I usually am, on my couch, makeup-less, reading blogs and listening to country music. When I try this experiment (which will be painful, as the only reason I leave my apt after 6pm is to meet guys or get ice cream) it will be an uncomfortable marrying of my real me and this entirely fabricated me that loves tequila and karaoke. Okay, she genuinely does love karaoke. Who knows what kind of guy this chick could pick up! There’s no way it won’t be more successful than my current MO, which is beer pong, and I detest playing beer pong. But it works.
I have met MANY men at bars and one thing I’ve noticed is the guys we’re looking for are just as nervous/awkward as we are. They need SOME kind of encouragement – you can’t just text your friends all night. The ones who aren’t probably aren’t the kind of guys we want anyway.
Do you really want someone who can walk up to any woman and be 100% confident that she will be interested in him? It’s sexy, but when you’re in a long-term relationship with someone like that it becomes a little scary.
Or maybe that’s just me?
PS – Tara, you should try flip cup!
I think the best illustration of the difference between the two selves is when you’re in a relationship versus when you’re single. When you’re in a relationship, the world seems to be full of attractive men who can’t wait to talk to you. On the bus, in bars, at the gym. Whatever. Once you’re single, things magically dry up. Where did all those men go?
The only guess I have is the difference between a girl TRYING and a girl just trying to have a fun night/day/what have you. The girl in the relationship probably looks and acts more natural, more relaxed, etc. and whatever vibe that sends out is like crack to guys. It’s a cruel irony.
The one day (since I discovered your blog last week) I miss a post, and I have a personal shout out..! I am now a reader for life. (Or, rather, until one of us couples off.) I am reminded of Chris Rock here… “You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act… sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time,
you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.” He goes on to point out about us women: “You got on heels, you ain’t that tall. You got on makeup,
your face don’t look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain’t that long. You got a Wonderbra on,
your titties ain’t that big.” Seems a bit harsh out of the context of the whole bit, but funny as hell none the less.