Ah the Internet… What would we do without you? Certainly not know which Disney Princess, city, Taylor Swift song or Friday Night Lights character we are, and, apparently, whether or not we’re modern women! Considering I am a woman alive right now and not spending my days churning butter, I thought I’d put myself to this very important HuffPost test. It’s times like these that I don’t mind the fact that they don’t pay their writers.

Here we go. I’ll try to be nice.

1. Make at least one great cocktail.  Check. Dirty martini.
2. Drink without getting a hangover the next morning. Check, because I know how to do it even if I don’t actually do it.
3. Look good in a photo. To myself or my mom? Kidding! That’s what filters are for. Check.
4. Remove unwanted body hair the most effective, painless, and affordable way possible. Wait. There is a painless and affordable way to get this done? Fail.
5. Dump someone gracefully. Does lying a little bit but very gracefully count? 
6. Write a sincere thank-you note. Check. I can also write an insincere thank-you note, which I find equally valuable. 
7. Set a lovely table, no matter how casual the meal is. Check, but so could June Cleaver.
8. Open a bottle of champagne. No. Too afraid of the pop.  
9. Find someone’s bridal/wedding/baby shower registry online. Really? My 92-year-old Poppop can do this. 
10. Send a BCC group email. Is this life skills a modern woman or high school senior should have?
11. Dress for her body type. I don’t like it, but I can do it. 
12. Graciously offer assistance to someone in need. 49 Life Skills a Nice Person Should Have?
13. Book a vacation. Check but I often get (AMAZING) help because I’m not a professional vacation booker. More to come on that. 
14. Hide a bad hair day. Sure (eye roll)
15. Find the best deal. Yes (Amazon)
16. Write a kickass cover letter. Can do (with my Dad’s proofreading skills)
17. Hold a baby. Check (but it may or may not cry)
18. Wrap a gift anyone would be excited to open. I’m great at this but so was Emily Post. 
19. Start a conversation. Are you kidding me with this question?
20. End a conversation. See above.
21. Pack everything she needs for a weekend getaway in one small bag. Okay this is actually important (for men and women, duh), so much so that I wrote an entire post about it several years ago.
22. Ask someone out. I used to be able to do this but now I’m not allowed, so I’m counting it as a yes.
23. Invest her money. I now know how to do this thanks to professionals that I sought out, so I’m counting it a check.
24. Use Mapquest, Googlemaps, or some other 21st century version of direction-giving. Yes. Of course.
25. Pack her purse with essentials. Oh good! I was waiting for a purse question! (Yes)
26. Prepare, order, or pay for a tasty and healthful dinner for herself and at least one guest. And now I am officially insulted for all of woman kind…who eat. 
27. Edit, upload, and print photos. Yes, and this one goes with packing light in terms of importance. Blog post to come.
28. Perform the Heimlich and CPR. Heimlich, yes. CPR, no. Will get on that.
29. Choose a ripe fruit. Which fruit? Some of them are tricky.
30. Cook and carve a turkey. Cook, yes. Carve, no, but I don’t want to and making my own choices makes me a modern woman so I’m counting it.
31. Google her date. So, Google? Yes.
32. Negotiate a salary and/or pay raise. I am proud to say yes to this even though it still makes me nervous. 
33. Bite her tongue when it’s appropriate to. Sure. All people should, but I think this should read, “when it’s appropriate for me to,” because sometimes I shouldn’t bite it even though it’s “appropriate.” 
34. Get a passport. This is trickier than it sounds and I required a good bit of assistance (thank you Steven) so I feel obligated to say “no” even though I accomplished it, eventually.
35. Reserve a library book online. Modern women buy it on Amazon for Kindle. Sorry libraries.
36. Leave (or find) Yelp reviews. Now you’re just searching for ways to hit 49… (Yes)
37. Find the right bra. Ask the woman in the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret.
38. Welcome a new neighbor or coworker. So, be a nice human? Isn’t this accomplished in #19.
39. Get herself (and her partner) off. I appreciate this question as much as the fact that I can say yes.
40. Assemble furniture. Solo or with a husband because it’s infinitely harder with another person you’re married to involved. I can do both but I prefer one…
41. Figure out what to tip on a $27 bill. $5. Boom!
42. Look for a way out (of a relationship, a job, or a crowded music fest full of hipsters). Are these three specific instances I’m supposed to answer for? If so then the answer is yes, yes and sometimes.
43. Find a reputable repair person. Ask Facebook.
44. Give a sincere (or, at least sincere-sounding) apology. See question #6. Same answer.
45. When and how to say “no” firmly (but graciously when appropriate). This is hard because I’m a real brown-noser and a terrible teacher’s pet. I can do it, but I should do it more often so I’m graciously taking this as a fail.
46. Dry out her wet cell phone. Rice bag and 24 hours. 
47. Change a tire (or find someone who can do it for her). The latter, yes. The former, probably.
48. Give herself a breast exam. Amen.
49. Ask for help when she needs it. 50% of the time, which is a huge win as far as I’m concerned.

I answered 46.5 of the questions correctly (I took a half for the Heimlech “yes” but CPR “no”) making me 86.7% of a modern woman. I would be proud if I wasn’t still offended by the entire premise of this survey, written by a woman.

Then again, what kind of modern woman wastes her time answering 49 ridiculous questions?

Oh crap. I think this whole thing was just a trick test, and I failed.