I’m excited! Everyone else is on the phone.

There are two ways that you can get yourself to the Emmy Awards. You can be nominated, you can be invited or you can be married to someone who is either of the two. You could also be the mother/brother/daughter/friend of someone nominated or invited but I went the marriage route, and it’s really paying off.

Two months ago R and I went to the ESPY’s because of his job. Then R got a new job and got invited to the Emmys. So you might say that since marrying me, R has been invited to two awards shows and gotten a brand new job. I do.

Without getting overly dramatic about this whole thing, it has been a childhood dream of mine to attend the Emmys, and I used to write acceptance speeches for my own eventual Emmy win while sitting on the potty as a little girl (what? I had three little sisters. There were only so many places I could focus). And so you can imagine the excitement I had to downplay when R called to say he had two tickets…and when I shopped for a dress at my favorite shop and most stylish friend’s home…and when I told the check out lady that the hairspray I was buying at 8:30am was for my Emmy hair. Turns out her brother was also going and didn’t invite her this year. I told her she should focus on marrying someone who gets invited and parallel path by writing and creating her own television shows. She told me that going to the Emmy’s isn’t actually that fun.

Well Sandra at the CVS on Beverly and La Cienega, I respectfully disagree. Here are my lessons, takeaways and delights from the 2014 Emmy Awards.

• Don’t over-think the dress, especially if you’re not nominated or technically invited. I stressed over the decision as if anyone but R or a random stranger we asked was actually going to take my picture. In the end I went with comfort and class over this really gorgeous zebra print mixed metallic strapless gown that I loved with all my heart (thank you again Avia!), and it was the right decision. Attending the Emmys involves more walking and standing in close quarters than you’d think making anything you can’t walk in or someone will probably step on a mistake. 

• There are two red carpets. One is approx 12 ft. wide and 100 yards long, chock full of flashing cameras and features every major living television star and even some from movies (thanks for slummin’ Julia Roberts). The other is approx 2 ft. wide, chock full of security guards telling you to, “please keep moving,” and positioned directly behind a fake shrubbery wall guarding it from the real red carpet. I think the whole thing is one big social experiment, and I think it’s working.    

World’s coolest Playbill.

• There are drinks and refreshments in the lobby for purchase not white tuxed butlers holding trays of free champagne as I envisioned. I got a “Sparkling Emmy” ($14) and R accidentally got a giant Blue Moon in a plastic cup like the Emmys were a Dodger game ($13). BUT later at the Governor’s Ball there were tables and tables and tables of free champagne as we walked in, and I grabbed a glass right next to Christina Hendricks, and we said “cheers” to each other so the Emmy’s are redeemed. 

• It is painfully quiet other than when people are laughing or clapping. I assume no one talks during the commercial breaks because they’re all either running to the bathroom (Allison Williams went four times by my count) or can’t talk because they can’t breathe in their dresses. 

• It is painfully cold the entire time. I don’t know why all the actresses don’t have a gnarly case of goosebumps every time the camera hits them, but I can only assume it’s because they slather you with anti-goosebump cream on the better red carpet. 

• I won’t go into my thoughts on the actual awards other than to say that I am so thrilled for Breaking Bad, so obsessed with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, think the funniest moment was Seth and Billy Eichner’s sketch, and cried during Billy’s Robin tribute. Also Jim Parsons needs to take himself out of the category, Modern Family wasn’t the funniest comedy this year by a long shot, I can’t believe how many British TV shows we watch in America and Tony Hale was robbed. 

• The awards are spectacular but the Governor’s Ball is so. much. better. It features one black carpet (allowing you to walk in directly next to Christina Hendricks-my-drinking-buddy, Octavia Spencer, Viola Davis, Julie Bowen, Kate Mara, and for some completely unknown reason, Chris Bosh), a full dinner (complete with artisan grapes, the brussel sprouts of 2015), and the band from Dancing with the Stars. Also the theme appeared to be Gay Pride in Space, or as R put it, “this is the weirdest Bar Mitzvah I’ve ever been to.”  

• Once you get to the Governor’s Ball you realize that everyone won an Emmy. There are Emmys everywhere. They gave out 26 awards and yet 150 people were carrying them. My friend Ben who works for the show told me that the entire producing team of, say, The Amazing Race gets their own statue, which still doesn’t explains why I saw three 12-year-old girls walking around with one.

• And finally, guys, it was special. I know these things are just an excuse for advertisers to spend money around a TV special chock full of celebrities and that the voters are old people who have their assistants fill out the ballots, but I still love it so much, and I love it even more when amazing work is honored. But most of all I love that it made me want to get up at 6am and work on my latest pilot script all day long. I actually woke up at 8am, procrastinated by writing this post for an hour and a half, and am now off to have a coffee. And that’s how I know I’m a real television writer too. Better dust off that potty speech.

Oh, also, they list where every single person is sitting at The Governor’s Ball so you can just walk up to fellow Boston College alum Amy Poehler and tell her she’s your hero. I tried but she was too busy talking to the entire cast of SNL. Typical.