This question/issue comes from Laura in Chicago — the MVP of blog post ideas.

Writes Laura:

“Recently my friend was set up with a friend of a friend. Before the date, she did a facebook search (obviously!) and found out he is Jewish. She has several Jewish friends and has total respect for people’s religious choices. However, she is Catholic and knows that she wants to be married in her Catholic church and if she has children, she wants to raise them Catholic. She doesn’t want to get ahead of herself, but at 27, she also doesn’t want to put time and emotion into something that won’t work out. Until confronted with this situation, she had never thought of religion as a dealbreaker, but is now wondering whether it should be one. Friends’ opinions seem to be of two camps:

#1 – Go out with him and find out how religious he is. If he isn’t all that devout, it may not be an issue (other than the getting married in a church part). Also, he may be your soulmate and there are lots of Jewish/Catholic couples who have great marriages. Or you may go out with him and hate him anyway and that will solve the problem.

#2 – Do some soul-searching to find out if it’s actually a deal-breaker or if it’s just fear of a challenge. If its truly a fundamental necessity, then don’t waste his time or yours. If there is a possibility of flexibility, go for it b/c there are always risks and challenges in relationships.

Thoughts? Ideas?”

This is a hot button issue. Strong chance you’re already annoyed about some part of the above– she’s being too closed minded, she should avoid it like the plague, she should stop Facebooking people she’s about to go out with..

Full disclosure — I’m the product of a interfaith marriage. Mom is Catholic. Dad is/was Jewish. Both were raised in very religious households where it was expressed or just understood that the preference was a partner who shared the faith.

So you’d think that based on that I’d have a solid answer — and that the answer would be, go on the date — start the relationship — figure it out later — you can work anything out if you really love each other. That is, to be transparent, what happened with my family. But that’s just one story which makes it insignificant to the larger question of “what’s a girl to do.”

My answer to Laura’s example scenario is to go on the date. This girl doesn’t know the guy. It is, as Laura suggests, entirely possible that he’s not religious at all or not religious to that point where he would considering raising kids Catholic or converting himself. She doesn’t know so she should take the chance and find out. Dates don’t grow on trees.

But the next step is that awkward question of how soon to get into the truth about your own religion preferences (i.e. that you will under no circumstances raise children anything but Catholic) or requirements of a partner (that they convert to Judaism in order to marry you) so you can find out where the other stands. That — like most personal bombs you’ll eventually have to drop — is a big judgement call.

Say you’re really falling for the person so you wait to have that talk until you’re more sure of your feelings. If you know whole heartedly that the answer will be break-up, I say cut your losses and quit while you’re not heartbroken. Yes I personally support a liberal approach to religion, but that’s just not an option for some people given their family background and personal beliefs. We have to understand that. Do I think love conquers all and it will inevitably work out? I don’t know. No one knows. Sadly no one really can until they’re in it.

I do know that many, many people play it the safe way and don’t get involved as a rule. The popularity of JDate is a testament to that. Are they limiting themselves to all options? Yes. Is that inherently wrong and foolish? Not necessarily. I once listened in on the following conversation between one liberal, non-religious person and a guy about to leave his Jewish girlfriend because she’d admitted their kids would have to be raised Jewish. Paraphrased:

• Socratese: So you’re saying you have a personal problem with Judaism and would be uncomfortable in a life where your children where raised under that belief system?
• The guy: No — I’m not even really that Catholic, but it would be a major problem for my family.
• S: What kind of major problem?
• Guy: The kind where I’m essentially disowned.
• S: So if your family was a complete non-issue — I don’t know, lived far away or was no longer living or something — you would marry this girl and have little problem.
• Guy: Yeah, but my family is not a complete non-issue. No family is.

That — whatever it means for your particular situation — is the absolute truth.
That feels like enough non-answer answers for now. But on the original question — should you go out with someone you know is of a different faith than you? If that basic info is all you know — yes. It’s not enough info to cut it off before it’s anything.

But should you stay with someone you know will never want to live the same religious life as you? I don’t think I’ll ever be qualified to answer that question.