Back to this issue of the “Generic Me” that John brought up last Friday.

There is — like it or probably not — a one to two sentence description our friends use to pitch us to people who may want to date us (that’s after they get through the physical description).
Examples:

• “Oh you want to know about Amber? She’s cute, brown hair, pretty tall and thin — and she’s the assistant to a movie producer. Hates the job but meets awesome people.” Hello, Amber.
• “Yeah, sure I’ll introduce you to John, he’s great — ibanker by day but also does all this cute volunteer stuff.” John: defined..and redeemed.
• “Mmm Rebecca? Well, cute girl, but she’s currently unemployed and generally dates assholes.” Sucks for you Rebecca.

This is not fair but neither is the fact that gays can’t marry (Damn you CA!), so we’ll just have to learn to deal.

I’m no stranger to the effects of the “Name : Description” game:

• You know my friend Jessie — the one who writes that blog all about dating and relationships? Um…yeah, sometimes she writes about people she dates, but don’t worry — she only does it if they’re real assholes — usually.

Naturally I’d prefer something along the lines of:

• You should meet my friend Jessie. She looks a lot like Minnie Driver, loves to walk around the city, and has shoes for every occasion.

…but that’s two truth’s and a lie…

And so since we can’t hide behind our one-sentence selves we must “campaign” to friends, family, co-workers, and laundry ladies to encourage them to pitch our best selves.

But Jessie! — you say to whatever you read this on — that’s deceitful…putting on airs…manipulating the truth!

Relax. It’s just guiding the outlets broadcasting your specific message (that being who you are in two sentences or less) to achieve your desired response. Lost? Good.

I recommend the following methods to inspire others to make you look good when they talk about you:

• Drop subtle hints by describing yourself like you want them to describe you. Example. You: “So Jill told Adam that I was an energetic media person who loves good food and online news portals. Isn’t that exactly the way you’d describe me?! I just thought it was so perfect and, as such, really liked Jill more than I ever have before so I gave her a nice gift.” Adapt as necessary.
• Ask directly under the cover of a personal image overhaul project. You: “I know this is going to sound weird, but I’m really trying to focus on volunteer work more, so I think it would be helpful if you always describe me to people — or guys — or, you know, whoever — with a focus on that community involvement angle because it’ll help put that idea of me into the universe more. Make sense?” If they challenge this tell them it is a part of “The Secret” and that if they don’t do it they won’t ever get anything they want in life.
• Barter — very hot right now. Make arrangements with key contacts that you will always describe them in a given light if they return the favor. I, for example, have expressed to certain friends that I will never mention how they act when drunk if they don’t immediately reveal that I judge all male dating behavior via an online column.
• Be better. It could be that people give you bad review because you’re not (currently) that great. If you’re a real asshole or a generally lame person people will probably share that with their friends who (for some reason) want to date you so you don’t dick those friends over. Maybe if you try to be a better person and do some great (good even..) things your friends and colleagues will be able to talk about those things to others. Simple logic here.

Good luck out there. And if it goes particularly well please report that this single writer named Jessie who appreciates both college sports and art museums helped you out.