- You: Yeah, so he seems really incredible – like a really great guy.
- Your Mom: Hhmm, that’s great. Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
And then you count from 10 to 1 before you say “probably for the same reasons I don’t have a boyfriend, Mom.”
What you’re really thinking goes more like – I know!!! I don’t know, but I have a pretty thorough mental list going. Right now I’m leaning towards – “has been very focused on career” with the possibility of – “divorced parents instilled cautions about quickly slipping into relationship.” But what do youuuuu think?!?!?!
Or better yet this:
- You: So yeah, we’ve been seeing each other for awhile – I think I really like this one.”
- Your friend: That’s so great. So what’s his dating history like?
- You: You know, he hasn’t really had a serious girlfriend beyond his high school girlfriend.
- Your friend: Oh…wow…and he’s 28 you said? Wow. Does that concern you?
At which moment you take a deep breath and gchat back, “I think I’d prefer that over him having a laundry list of exes” full-well knowing you don’t know what the fuck scares you more and would actually prefer had just appeared Starman style (minus the stone-washed jeans and lack of English grammar skills).
Gut instinct for me — the latter. Clean slate just seems safer. Maybe he was a little nerdy in high school and a little focused in college but now he’s finally coming into his adult own? Maybe he comes from a family of sisters so was raised to be particularly picky about his women? I’d rather deal with those intangible maybes than very tangible former girlfriends with names and faces and jeans sizes.
I admit there’s something a little hhmm about a guy or girl who hasn’t been in a committed relationship in their technically adult life? With a chronic dater at least you know they have it in them. They can handle the motions, make the decisions, deal with the issues. Impossible to know how many times it was real and how many times it was just a here-and-now deal, but practice makes perfect, no?
Is our call on this matter not – I wonder – all just a reflection of ourselves and our own dating history? So say I’m of the “not much history at all” set (which is what you would if you knew me). I haven’t, in what we can consider my adult life, been in a relationship that I took home for Thanksgiving. I have yet to “meet the parents.” In my mind my lack of practice doesn’t make me a liability – it makes me a picky person (who lives in Manhattan). But what does it make me to the male world? A girl who doesn’t know how to be a girlfriend? A girl who doesn’t make relationships a priority?
For as many times as I’ve gone, “yeah, he’s great – but he’s just always needs to have a girlfriend – any girlfriend.” Is someone going, “she’s fantastic, but for some reason never has a boyfriend – you’ve gotta wonder about that…”
So – do you’ve gotta to wonder? Is there any significant difference? And if so then shouldn’t there be some concrete numbers around it? Like a person with x amount of relationship under their belt is y percent more likely to succeed in long-term relationships, typically but not always on the z’th relationship.
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So far, the guys I know that have shied from dating are the picky/sister-having types. I like them. They’re good guys. VERY good guys. The kind you should take home…
And yeah, I’m with you on the “no history” side of things.
obviously, neither extreme is ideal…somewhere in the middle is best. Forced to choose, though, I would pick the serial dater. At least with him, you know there is potential for it to develop into a relationship and there is no need to “train” him in how to be a boyfriend. You just have to figure out why his other relationships all ended to get to the root of his issues. (Easier said than done, I know)
So is this psychotherapy or dating?
“‘Train’ him in how to be a boyfriend”?!
You have GOT to be kidding me. Who says that? Do people actually believe you can do that to someone? Jessie, explore this!
As a serial monogamist (3 relationships lasting 3 plus years), I would definitely shy away from someone who had not had a serious relationship in their adult life. Like anything, being in a relationship is a skill, and one that does get better with practice. I also think having failed relationships helps you discover what you’re really looking for.
That said, I may just be trying to justify my own propensities. There is something to be said for never having failed at a relationship.
In all, a happy medium would be best- someone with a long term relationship or two under their belt, some serious time/distance from the last break up, and a healthy attitude toward coupledom.
And maybe he can fly, too.
Anonymous #2 here –
I didn’t mean actually TRAIN him (hence the quotations). I just meant that dating is a skill and someone who has never dated before doesn’t know how to handle certain situations and stuff, so it takes a lot more patience when you are someone’s first real girlfriend.
I side with you; I am generally more comfortable with a leaner dating hisotry. Being one of those myself, I’m curious if it is realistic that two non-serial daters will find each other?
My current S.O. is 27 and his last relationship lasted over 8 years….what are your thoughts on the guy is has spent his whole adult life in a relationship? Does this bode well for him being able to nurture a relationship or does this mean that you’ll always be in the shadow of the last relationship because that’s all he’s ever known?
We haven’t been dating very long, so I’m still trying to figure this one out…
hey Lost in Brooklyn – i like your comment here and totally agree. i appreciate too your objectivity to your own situation and thoughts. read some of your blog as well, i like your style.
perhaps we can explore the challenges of meeting someone through a blog post? if nothing else, makes for a great social experiment.