Yesterday’s to-marry-young-or-not convo sparked the expected comments and controversy.
Some people were offended by the suggestion that independence and a focus on career from 20-28 (or so…) is a mistake. Others supported the argument that marrying young is not a joke or an indicator of future divorce — it’s just a decision of two people who love each other and are ready to commit to that love for life.
The article was trying to make one, simple point: marrying young is not a recipe for divorce. Studies actually show that it can be beneficial. Plus our pre-conceived belief that divorce rates peak in cases of young marriage is statistically incorrect.
But in addition to that one point the article also made another. It suggested that people who wait may find themselves sad and screwed — in the always a bridesmaid, considering egg-harvesting, feeling like a Cathy comic strip zone.
The whole point of the article was that judgement shouldn’t be passed on the idea of marrying young. But in making that argument the author — whether intentionally or not – judged the decision to wait. This wasn’t “the time is right when the time is right for you” advice. It was, “the time is right when you are young.” You’ll be sorry, it hinted. Some of your friends will get happily married and you’ll be devastated, it suggested. Don’t think waiting until you’re stable will make you a more attractive option, it warned, because it won’t.
The reason this article chafes so much is because we don’t know if this guy is right or wrong. We don’t know if we’ll get to 28 and curse the fact that we weren’t husband-hunting at 22. We can’t predict whether our window of attractiveness is widening or narrowing. I personally couldn’t tell you which of my friends’ young marriages I believe will succeed or fail.
I worked hard to get myself into the best college I could because it’s rooted in fact and history and statistics that a name-brand college education is a strong indicator of success. I moved to a major metropolis because job search sites and industry numbers and tons of data proved this city was the smartest place for me to start my career. I invest in a 401K and go to the gym and keep up with the news because all those things are proven to be smart decisions. My life is governed — for the most part — by logic and guarentees.
We know that marriage — and even serious relationships — aren’t about definites. You can’t predict it. You can’t force it. You can’t talk your way into or out of it. It is a very personal, very individual decision to be ready to even find lasting love, let alone decide you’re ready to commit to it.
This article challenges that individual decision. It says, you may think you want to wait and that you have good reasons for waiting but you don’t. You may believe that you’ll be happier focusing on your career and becoming stable before you really focus on marriage but you won’t. You probably think the right person for you will be there when you’re your most ready, but they likely won’t.
That is hard to swallow. A. because we want to say, “what makes you so sure you’re right?!” but more likely B. because we’re in no way prepared to answer the response, “well what makes you think you are?
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I think the most frustrating thing about the washington post article is the underlying presumption that the age at which we marry is within our control…even if we were “husband-hunting” in our early 20’s, does that guarantee we would have found a marriage that would last? I have nothing against marrying young OR marrying old–I just think it’s strange that he didn’t address the fact that it’s not really up to our personal opinions about when to get married–it’s based on when in your life you meet the person! Right?
There’s an additional dimension of how long you should (or want to) date someone before marrying. Friends and relatives tend to be skeptical of “short” romances yet some people claim they just “knew” the person was right and didn’t need years to confirm that. The length of your “test period” inevitably affects how soon after meeting The One you walk down the aisle.
I agree with Anonymous!! As a 25 year old, I believe I have been open to marriage in my past relationships, but I’ve never felt like the puzzle pieces fit. I am offended by the notion that I have been putting off marriage to focus on myself, or my career, blah blah blah, I would love to get married! But does one suggest I focus on until I meet someone I feel like I have a strong enough emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection to even think about entering into marriage?!
@anonymous It’s true that you never know when you’re going to meet the right person. But if you meet the right person at a time when you’re not remotely ready, or looking for that kind of relationship, then it won’t work.
So someone who is “husband hunting” has the same likelihood to meet a potential mate, but they’re just more likely to actually take it to that level.
RE Anonymous’ comment – An additional aspect to consider is whether or not someone believes in THE ONE vs. a right one.
“You probably think the right person for you will be there when you’re your most ready, but they likely won’t.”
This, I believe, is the hardest part about the marriage discussion. It is difficult to internalize as an independent, goal-oriented 20-nothing that the “right” person will not just be there when we are finally ready to commit. It’s taken some time, but that doesn’t scare me.
What rubs me the wrong way about this guy’s argument is that it seems, like any fairy-tale, that the goal of all young people is to be happily married ever-after. Where is the consideration that the single, 35-50 year-old isn’t happy being unmarried? Marriage is not a goal of mine, something that I strive for and am building my resume in preparation of applying to. It’s a decision, whether you believe in “The one” or not. You make that decision at 17, you better realize what you’re basing it on. You make it at 50, you’d better know what you’re basing it on.
Not being married doesn’t scare me because I believe in life beyond the fairy-tale that everyone is meant to be man and wife, or wife and wife, or man and man. It would be wonderful to spend the rest of my life with someone I love romanticly and would have until death do us part, but it’s only one option. For this guy, it’s the only option.
So maybe I’ll be ready and the right person won’t be there to say, “Hey, I’m ready too.” That’ll suck! But I’d rather be unmarried happily, than unhappily married. It’s a big decision, not one I take lightly and not one I would have been able to make between the ages of 18 and 22.
I’d accept this atcile more readily if he had said “Be open, be ready for marriage. Be responsible and self-aware enough that it could be possible to commit to someone.”