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CHEAT WEEK: Once a cheater…

April 20, 2009

Final Marie Claire piece: 3 people who gave up on hooking up

April 20, 2009

No, not tapas — TOPLESS

April 20, 2009


On Saturday afternoon at roughly 3:15pm my friends and I saw a topless woman frolicking around Central Park. We do not – after extensive examination — believe this was a stunt.

Liz noticed first. We were talking about either the flawless acting career of Will Smith (which went briefly contested until someone – fine, it was me — remembered Jamie Foxx was not Will Smith) or the brief-but-illustrious fake magic career of our friend Matt (“Oh…it’s actual magic…”). Then Liz said, “you guys I think that girl over there is topless.”

For future reference – this is a fool-proof way to end any conversation.

Katie had been watching what Liz was watching (that being maybe-boobs) and threw in her support. “Yeah, I think those are boobs.”

Four heads turned immediately in the direction of Liz and Katie’s stare. The subject was wearing peach patterned daisy dukes, long-ish blonde wavy hair aaaand potentially that’s it…

“I don’t know guys,” someone said (I can’t remember – I wasn’t paying attention to anything else at that point), “I think that’s just like a flesh-colored bathing suit top…”

“….um — with a nipple pattern on it?” someone else said.

We all laughed for just a quick second then immediate returned to the task at hand – trying to determine if in fact a thin blond woman some 30-40 yards in the distance was in fact not wearing a top.

To provide some necessary context – the sighting occured on Saturday afternoon – that day before yesterday where you and everyone you know where positioning on one of the ½ dozen New York City parks with grass and people worth watching. Or people you thought were worth watching until you read this.

I’ve never been good at judging crowds, so I’ll say there were somewhere between 500 and 25,000 people on Sheeps Meadow.

Our subject was sandwiched between the group of 2 to 3 dozen hula hoopers who may or may not all have known each other — the situation was very unclear. (Eddie: Maybe they all just brought their own hula hoops here independent of each other but then it was like – ‘Oh, wow, you too?!) – and the most stereotypical group of 21st century hippies playing the most stereotypical set of 21st century hippie songs (that being those currently available on Rock Band). Oh also there was this heavier gay man wearing a pastel yellow polo shirt flipping this pink polo clad pocket gay over on his arm again and again — forgot about that for a second.

Our girl was with some European-looking men (I can’t describe it – I just know) and two little girls (maybe 7 and 10?) most definitely (also?) not wearing shirts. They — though equally out of place — did not have boobs and as such were deemed unimportant to the conversation.

We continued to argue untiiiiil our subject began JUMPING ROPE. Right around then it became abundantly clear. No top. Aaaand just in case there was still any question in our minds, a group of red solo cups attached to the hairy arms of the backwards-UVA-baseball-cap-wearing camera-phone paparazzi rushed by, snapped a few rolls and chugged back to their monogrammed blankets. (Ed note: a red solo cup attached to the arm of someone wearing Nantuck reds is about as discrete as a narrow brown bag in the lap of a bum. It’s to-go coffee cups or one of those new-way Nalgene’s people.)

We spent at least ½ an hour talking about this situation while it was happening, 5-10 more minutes on our walk to Levain bakery to eat the best cookies you will ever eat in your life, another 10 on the subway ride home, and then a full ½ hour more at dinner later that night. And that’s just the time were were (mostly) all together.

Apparently it’s been legal as of 1992 to be a topless woman in Central Park (and throughout all areas where men have the right to go topless so enjoy!).

If you’d asked me prior to Saturday if I thought there was any harm in a women’s right to go topless I’d have said hell no! We deserve every right that men have! But I can now say with certainty that it is absolutely crippling for a society to allow women the right to bare their breasts in public. We had four magazine, two newspapers, and months worth of catching up to do that afternoon. Instead we spent 45 minutes arguing about whether she was an A or B cup.

4 comments

  1. if it’s legal, i’m curious as to how many women take advantage of that law? has anyone else ever seen this happen?

  2. I am now tempted to do this, solely to see the reactions I’d get.

    I’d be afraid of being arrested by a cop who didn’t realize it was legal, though!

  3. not nearly enough women take advantage of going topless in public in NYC being legal.

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