You cannot discuss the topic of cheating with that age-old maxim entering the convo. “Well…,” someone will say, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” to which everyone responds, “mmmm” which translates to,”I’m not sure I agree with that, but I don’t want to get into it.”
Will someone who cheated once cheat again? Behavioral scientists have been trying to figure it out since they decided to call themselves behavioral scientists. So far no conclusive dice, but according to several recent studies like the one I wrote about months ago, the answer is probably. That study actually suggests that people are genetically predisposed to cheating. Most others focus on cheating as a behavioral pattern — like a bad habit.
I don’t know the answer, I’m not a behavioral scientist, and I’ve never take a psychology class, but here’s my Communications major take:
There’s cheating and there’s cheating.
- The former: you’re in a new relationship that just became official but get caught up in a drunken make-out with some rando you meet at a bar. This is cheating. It’s very bad and punishable by break-up, but it’s an isolated incident.
- The later: you’ve been dating someone for 2.5 years, 6 months of which you’ve also been hooking up with some co-worker on “nights you work really late.” This is cheating. It is pre-meditated, calculating, and hard work to keep hidden.
Cheating of that variety isn’t easy. You have to hide things and lie about things and avoid people and act one way to one person and another way to the other. You’ve got to really want something to go through that much trouble. When you’re cheating it’s likely one of 3 things:
- someone different than the person you have
- more of any people at all (companionship, attention, etc.)
- just lots of sex
So in your head you decide one of the following things:
- I’d rather get caught and have my relationship end than not cheat
- I don’t believe I’ll ever get caught
- I’m not even considering getting caught because I’m just too focused on sex
To which I have the following reaction:
- If the relationship is that meaningless to you then end it
- That is foolish and cocky which is a bad combination even if you weren’t also a cheater
- David Duchovny is recently out of what he describes as very successful sex addiction treatment and is working on rekindling his relationship with wife Tea Leoni (who I love)
What all those bullets aim to prove is that the mind of a cheater is really really suspect. Their decision-making skills, their sense of responsibility, their respect for others, their needs and wants. It’s not a good situation up there. I think cheating is one expression of that not-so-stable mind at work.
If you found out a guy had been accused of stealing from his company for months would you get involved with him? If you knew a girl lied about most things on her resume to get the job she’s had would you pursue it further?
It’s not so different. We make it different because in our minds it goes, “But he/she really loves me and so they’d never do that.” We see infidelity as an offense against a person as opposed to just an offense against honesty and honesty in favor of sex. Time and time again cheaters say, “I never meant to hurt you” and “it meant nothing.” I believe that, but in a way that makes it worse. At least, “I cheated on you because you’re terrible in bed and I can’t stand it” can be fixed (or attempted to be). “It just happened,” can only lead you to assume it will “just happen” again.
I think you can cheat once and never cheat again. People make mistakes. Sometimes the mistake is two fold. 1. they’re still in a relationship that inspires them to cheat and 2. they cheat. That’s not an excuse, but I do believe it’s a layer of why that can change with a different relationship. Of course I also believe that people cheat on people they love deeply and want never to cheat on again.
But as far as cheating goes — I believe once that kind of cheater, always some kind of cheater.
This officially concludes CHEAT WEEK 2009. There will likely not be a CHEAT WEEK 2010 because I can never again spend five straight days writing about cheating.
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I’m a 27-year-old female who has been in many committed relationships (more than 10). And, horribly, I cheated on every boyfriend I had in high school and in college.
I’m not proud of it. But I know why I did it. I was unbelievably insecure and immature and loved all the attention. And I was never caught so there were never consequences for my selfish actions.
Once I got out of college, I decided to grow up and start treating people better. It was surprisingly hard work to break my bad habits, and took a few relationships for me to stop all disrespectful behavior (flirting, lying, etc).
When I met my current boyfriend, all that hard work paid off. We’re crazy about each other and I haven’t considered so much as flirting with another guy, let alone cheating or lying. It’s been 3 years and we’re planning our future together.
So yes, cheating is a HORRIBLE bad habit. But it can be broken if you care enough to try.
Carrie M is still a cheater at heart. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i’m hoping it can be broken– I know my boyfriend cheated on one of his exes, more than once– but only on that ex. And the circumstances with us are different.
Everyone has flaws. If its just about sex I could forget it– but I hope it’ll never come up.
I never thought of myself as a cheating type – I’ve always been one of those monogamous, relationship girls. But an ex-boyfriend kind of ruined that for me when he said he didn’t mind if I slept with other guys while we dated. To test him I slept with as many guys as I could and told him about each one. He’d just laugh it off.
Anyway, that relationship didn’t work out, and I got together with the most amazing guy who has been the closest thing to The One for me. Four months into our exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship, I cheated on him once when I was in a trip to New York. Well okay, I cheated several times during that trip. To be honest, I don’t regret having sex at all, but I also felt guilty and horrible because I was aware of how much this would hurt him if he found out. It wasn’t something I could just bottle up and forget, so I confessed when I came back. He was very hurt and angry, but he gave me a free pass because of my history with the last boyfriend, and I guess because he really does love me that much.
I don’t think I’ll ever cheat again, though there are very rare moments when I kind of wish we had the same open relationship I had with my last boyfriend.
you wrote: “But as far as cheating goes — I believe once that kind of cheater, always some kind of cheater”
We will have to agree to disagree on this one.
I cheated on my husband, and i did it once when our relationship was in a very bad stage, i never told him, I never got caught, he still doesn’t know …but we worked our differences to save our marriage…since then I have had many chances to do it again and i haven’t done it.
Now I’m pregnant and we’re having a baby girl :). So no, not all cheaters are “once a cheater always a cheater or some kind of cheater”
and as far as honesty goes cuz I read a lot of people saying that the other person has the right to know: “what he doesn’t know, won’t kill him”