You find out via a bolded ghcat (you just go *bold* around the word) that _________ cheated on _________ aaand (insert element of story that makes it even more boldable): it’s been going on for a year/she doesn’t remember doing it/everyone from work saw it happen/it was with her best friend…
What’s the first thing you do?
Never date that person.
It’s around the second thing you do that things get tricky…
When are you under the obligation to inform on a cheater? What if you know both people in the relationship? Do you tell the cheater you know and they better deal with it? Do you tell the cheatee what went down first? Is there a male/female divide?
I polled some my-aged males and females both in and out of relationships that have and have not involved cheating. Here are some of their responses:
a 27-year-old male
- Guys should NEVER tell a guy on a girl unless they are family, they want to hook up, or are SUPER DUPER BEST FRIENDS with the girl
- Guys should only tell on a girl if they are good friends with the guy or they are making fun of the guy they are spilling the beans to
- Girls should ONLY tell on the guy if they are the BEST FRIEND or family
- Girls should ALWAYS tell on the girl
a 27-year-old female
- I have a strict policy against ever saying anything and people know about it. Bottom line – I don’t get involved in other people’s relationships. If someone were like – “did you know he was cheating on me!?” I’d be like, “I had heard some things but they weren’t confirmed and I don’t get involved in these situations, as a rule.” I figure it’s easier to just have a policy. Oh — but if it were my sister or either one of my brothers forget that shit. I’d tell them if their boy or girlfriend so much as looked at a person the wrong way.
a 26-year-old male
- If my friend is a girl and I see her bf cheating on her, and her bf is also a friend, I’ll cowardly say nothing to her.
- If my friend is a girl who is being cheated on, and her bf doing the cheating is less than a friend but greater than “some douche I hate,” then we’re really in the grey area here. I bet I wouldn’t say anything, — maybe drop a subtle hint or line here and there. If her bf is someone I hate, I would delicately tell her outright.
- If my friend is a guy and the girlfriend is a friend of mind I’d go into high-powered detective mode, kind of on his behalf but leading him down the path. “Where was Julie last night? Did she tell us she was going there? Who did she go with?”
a 25-year-old straight female
- It’s hard to say because you don’t want to meddle, but at the same time if it was me I would TOTALLY want to know. And if my friends knew and didn’t tell me, my anger towards them would probably just as strong as my anger towards that son of a bitch who cheated on me!
- I think it also depends on which friend you’re closer to and what side they’re on. If my primary loyalty lies to the cheater…then I’d probably hold my tongue. But if he/she was the one being cheated on it might be a different story.
another 25-year-old straight female
- I think it depends on how close the friend is and where you go your info from/how reliable it is. Very case by case. But if it were me, I’d want someone to tell me — even if it was just a rumor. I’d want to know what people were saying about me. So, if I ever get a boyfriend again, and you hear anything bad, let me know okay???
24-year-old male
- Due to sympathy and bro-pressure, I almost always uphold the bro code: never inform on another bro. However, some caveats: 1. If disease is involved (clear evidence of him not being careful with certain people) informing is a must. 2. If I dislike the bro a lot or really like the girl and there is evidence of lots and lots of incidents, and they are really serious, then the indirect method is sometimes permissible.
- As for telling your bro his girlfriend is cheating on him? That’s no problem. It’s a bro’s duty to let him know. Weird, and one-sided, but true.
another 26-year-old male
- I am not excusing cheating, but I also am not blind to the temptation of man (general sense here), and I believe if you have true love (and these are extreme cases) then being informed by a friend might just fuck it up. In that case, in fact in most all cases, I think as a friend you have an obligation to approach the cheater and handle it from that angle.
and me
- If this is a situation that is bound to get out, and upon it getting out the cheatee will come to you and say, “did you know about this?!” and you will feel like the scum of the earth saying, “yes, I did — but I didn’t tell you because….” then you should take action. I would go straight to the cheatee because some, “if you don’t tell her by Friday then I’m going to” deal doesn’t appeal to me. Doesn’t mean it can’t work and isn’t the right thing to do; that’s just me personally.
This — like so many things in adult life — is one of those probably damned if you do, probably feel like shit if you don’t situations (i.e. attend an obligatory wedding, recommend family for a job, encourage your parents to share their inner most feelings with you). It’s such a case-by-case thing that rules, even of the “bro” variety, are always broken.
My advice is tread lightly, go in with back up if necessary, and never ever tell them when they’re drunk.
Agree? Disagree? COMMENT.
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Much as you give a multitude of opinions on the matter, this post disappoints me–mostly because I HATE the idea of being deceived or deceiving another. Cheating fundamentally undermines one’s self worth. It says: “you aren’t worth being loyal too.” “I don’t care about you enough to keep a handle on myself.” “I just don’t care enough to be honest, to say we’re through.”
The bro-loyalty is annoying and biased and basically pisses me off, a LOT.
I agree with the girl who said she’d want to be told. I would too. If I’m ever in a relationship again, I want to know what people are saying. And I’d especially want the chance to show my boyfriend the respect to ask him directly rather than participate (even in ignorance) in the deception.
This blog makes me think people need to respect each other a LOT more. That’s sad. That’s really sad.
So, get ready for a convoluted one:
Two years ago, immediately post-graduation and with me picking up my life to move to LA, I came upon a difficult situation. My friend M was dating this guy B for a while and was pretty head over heels for him (which I didn’t get — B was not a very nice guy, but to each his own). Anyways, M was sick and staying at home on Long Island, and was shortly going on a trip with his mom to Greece, but he’d be getting back just before I moved.
This left B alone in the city. B — bored, horny, whatever — decides to post a craigslist ad looking for a hookup. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, he posted it posing as a co-worker of his, G. His tactic was to sucker people in by luring them with photos of the more attractive G (procured from Facebook — make sure you aren’t friends with any sketchballs and keep your privacy on lock!) and then being all “Oh, hey, is it cool if we make this a threeway with my friend B.” But wayyyyy more explicit.
Then, fakeG would disappear for a while and then B would email whomever had responded and be like “Oh, G fell alseep, lets just you and me do this.” Well, it turns out that the guy B wound up talking to knew G, and when B passed over his and “G”‘s phone numbers, the guy called and thought “This isn’t G.”
He took all the emails and forwarded them to G (who told me the story). Turns out the two phone numbers were B’s cell and land line. Now, both G and B worked in Residential Education for a major NY college and also lived in the same building, so G took all of this info to the head of the program and complained. Because, you know, defamation of character, fraud, etc etc etc.
So when I’m told this story, B has just had to meet with the higher up and told that his job the following year working in the Graduate program is terminated and he’s not allowed to live in University housing anymore.
Basically, I was put in a position where I knew that B would have to tell M something, but I didn’t trust that he’d be completely honest with his story, and — having been a victim of cheating, myself — I wanted to make sure that M knew what really happened. But, I was conflicted about whether to say something, so I turned to a couple friends of mine who also knew M & B to ask what I should do. Long story short, I didn’t know how to tell him so I said nothing. Then I moved to Los Angeles.
M got whatever version of the truth that B gave him, and then found out that I had told two of our friends. He is still with B, but has cut me out completely. He isn’t mad that I didn’t tell him, but that I know at all and told two other people, like he’s embarrassed.
Sometimes you just can’t win.
Having been cheated on in a past relationship, if you’re friends with the person being cheated on and you know they’re being cheated on, tell them. Ignorance is NOT bliss and they deserve to know the truth.
I have to say, every time I hear the phrase “bro-code” in any context, I grow more and more disgusted. What is this, the He Man Woman Haters Club? This kind of men-against-women attitude is harmful to women and effectively keeps 20-something men locked into an (all too prevalent) infantile existence. If you don’t want to tattle on your friend, that’s one thing, but the blanket “bro-code” cannot and should not be used as a blanket justification for poor behavior. Gentlemen, grow up.
I believe in the tell with tact method. Not hint, not insinuate, but say something to the effect of, “He/she is not telling you the truth…” and then explain how I know. But I have to be ready to accept that the person I tell is going to be mad at me– killing the messenger of bad news is a time-honored tradition.
If the friendship is strong enough, it will live through it. And if the person I tell sides with the person who is lieing/cheating, then I move on in some way or another. It’s happened to me before and I’ve had both reactions from friends– anger from one, gratefulness from the other. Telling was still the better choice.
I really don’t understand “killing the messenger” in general, but it especially offends me in this case. A good friend is telling you that someone you trust is deceiving you, and you respond by taking it out on the messenger?
It’s one thing if the cheatee decides to stay with the cheater. That’s a completely personal decision. But to respond with anything other than a “thanks for being honest with me” when a friend reveals the deception to you is just irrational.
Seriously, if someone ends your friendship over that, then that person is either so grotestquely ignorant or so emotionally stunted that he’s not worth your friendship anyway.
My sister-in-law (my husband’s sister) cheated on her boyfried of 4 years this weekend. My husband and I caught her coming out of his bedroom. She admitted it, so there is no issue with it being a rumor or something. My husband is livid and not even speaking with her. The guy she cheated with is my husband’s BFF. Her boyfriend is a super nice guy who lives in NYC and is coming into town this week to see her. He is considering uprooting his whole life in NYC to move here for her and I feel like he has a right to know before he makes such a drastic change for her. Should I tell him if she refuses to do so?
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