From time to time we meet a person that we connect with, but not in an instant, overtly, 8.2-minutes-and-we’re-in-love way.
Every once in a while that person will follow up via one of the approved electronic devices and we’ll start a dialogue that we enjoy but don’t obsess over in that sorry-I-could-have-sworn-I-felt-my-blackberry-buzz way.
And on occasion that person will harness up the chutzp to ask us out on a date or something very much like a date (though I fully maintain that two people attending a planetarium show in the evening without the accompaniment of a child are on a date).
It is at that moment — following those circumstances — that we find ourselves at a cross-roads, (cross-roads, cross-roads). Should we or should we not go on a date with a person with whom we’re damn near 100% sure we have no romantic interest?
To clarify – sometimes the situation is very unclear — sometimes you’re not sure how much the person likes you, how on-the-fence you are about them, or what the potential backlash will be if this crashes and burns. In those circumstances you go because dates can be fun and people can be surprising and chances are you were drunk when you met this person so you’re really in no position to make a call one way or another.
But sometimes the situation is clearer than you want to think. Sometimes you know it would take a lot of, shall we say modifications for this person to become a person you actually want to date. And sometimes you know full well that they’d switch their profile pic to one of you two in a hot minute if you’d just say yes. In those circumstances I advise – with experience — that you do not go because of a number of reasons I will address shortly.
First — regarding the issue of the situation being clearer than you want to think it is.
We get lonely and want companionship. Our friends start dating people and we want people to date too. We hit a particularly long dry spell and think maybe our standard or goal or eye-sight is just way off.
Or sometimes it’s as simple as — we think dates are always very fun and exciting. We can finally wear that dress that we “bought for dates”. We will share stories and drink wine and sit by candlelight and have a reason to put up vague status messages (note: they’re not vague).
No shame — we all do it. We romanticize the date to the point where it’s about the date and not the other person on it. “I’m going on a date!” we say. “With who?” someone asks. “Some rando,” we say. “Oh where did you meet him?” they ask. “I’m wearing a dress!” we say.
I’m not chiding — I’m transcribing a conversation I had with a person who asked me those questions.
In our heads it’s like that itch to just go see a movie. “I’d really love to go see a movie…” we think. Then low and behold some friends calls and says, “I’m going to see Madea’s House — wanna come?” In reality, no — never — why are they still making those movies. But at the moment, maybe — I would like to have some popcorn and sit in that dark theater with my knees up and my phone silenced. If it’s so terrible I can just leave — or sleep. So: “Sure, why not,” we say.
Problem is — dates are not like movies (even when they involve movies. that’s a technicality — stay with me). Dates are like live sessions with people you have to talk and listen to before figuring out how/if they’re going to kiss you and then call you back.
And with that we (finally) arrive at the point: bad dates leading to awkward situations you have to slither out of because you never had any interest are worse than no dates at all.
I support being open-minded and trying everything once and giving people a shot, but not when you know deep down you’re not interested.
Think of it this way. Would you rather have a person with no legit interest in you agree to go out with you once leaving you with the incredible hope that they might really want to date you — or would you rather they duck out politely before it goes anywhere?
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Unless I can’t stand conversing with a guy, I’m going on the free date, girl. lol. Get me out of the house, PLEASE! hehe. To me, there’s such thing as no-strings-attached dating. Wam, bam, thank you sir. That translates to dinner, movie, and a cheek-to-cheek hug. If I notice a guy getting too interested and I KNOW that it’s a definite “not happenin'” I just say, “You’re cool as shit (exactly what does that mean???)… I wish I had a FRIEND like you to kick it with in high school.” When they start asking for a kiss I say, “Haha. Boy. You know I’m a borderline nun. I can’t kiss a guy unless I’m sure he’s gonna be my boyfriend (totally NOT true. I’ll… well, just know that’s not true).” When the guy stops calling me because I treat him like a kid brother who’s sharing his lunch money with me, then I shrug my shoulders and move along. I never cared to begin with. IDK. I’ve had eerily awkward conversationalists or embarassingly “ghetto” boys try to take me out. That’s a no-go. But if they aren’t horr-i-ble, FREE DATE it is. 🙂
That’s every guy-who-thinks-he’s got-a-shot-with-a-girl’s worst nightmare. Don’t go on the date. Save the guy some cash.
Or be upfront about it and see if he still wants to take you out. But no guy wants to be the little brother, especially when he’s paying.
I’d say if you’re 100% sure there’s no chance for the poor guy, don’t go. It’s not fair to the him. But if there is a chance at all that you may be interested, I say go on the date and see what happens. If it leads to an awkward moment, so be it. It’s a character-building experience. But, it could go the other way and you would have missed out on spending time with a great guy.
Wow, this post is so timely for me. I’m battling with this right now!
I’m getting advice from all angles to give guys a second chance, to wait and see if something develops. Maybe I’ve just watched too many rom-coms, but part of me is still looking for a spark. There’s nothing worse than the point when you realize it’s happened for the guy sitting across the table from you, but it’s not going to for you.
I cut it off after two dates. First dates can be awkward and forced, but by the second they should relax enough to make it worthwhile. If it’s not, there are more fishies in the sea I guess.
I’m unconvinced that the attitude reflected in the comment by Dani above is logically different from the attitude of the much maligned guy who has no romantic interest in a particular girl, but has sex with her anyway because “I’m not gonna turn down free sex!”
The probable response (that sex reflects a larger emotional investment that can’t be measured in the same way as buying dinner for someone) is specious at best – it distinguishes the degree, not the substance. The guy taking you out to dinner likely has some emotional investment as well, and if he doesn’t, no matter – there are many girls who have no emotional investment in certain sexual relationships too, but that doesn’t mean that attitude should be project on all girls.
Bringing it back to the question at hand: No Dates is a far worse prospect than Bad Dates-for all parties involved. You will have to kiss your share of frogs before you find the prince. KAC, you’re just cheap (PS are you picking up girls in your mom’s mini-van?).
The occasional guy who initiates a dead end date still walks away a winner. He has the extra date practice under his belt and has likely had an ejoyable evening.
Robert, are you attacking me because I said you couldn’t have a ride in my mini-van?
And there are so many people out there, why waste time on a date with someone who has no interest in you? Going out as friends and paying for dinner, ok. But taking advantage of someone’s interest to gain dinner or, as Sneen put it, sex, doesn’t it seem at least a little off? Practice has some merit, but I think sincerity is much more valuable and worthwhile.