I wasn’t going to say anything, but Pierson said “Jessie, this is a teaching moment” and I (now) always listen to him because he said, “Jessie, you need to start a blog.”
And so in a 20-Nothings first (and maybe last) I will challenge the several comments that suggest I was way too hard on the guy from this story.
(I already regret this.)
You’re being too hard on him. He assumed the third date rule was in effect, you welched.
What is the third date rule? That I go home with him? If so, who wrote this rule and are they on The Facebook?
He might be too ashamed to make contact again given the way you reacted and the short time he’s known you.
Right. So then we’re at a cross-roads here aren’t we. If he’s too ashamed and embarrassed to call then that leaves us with me calling, and I can’t figure out what I’d say that wouldn’t sound like, “Hi, I’m calling because you’re not man enough to call, but I want to give you another chance because I believe you were just very drunk and forgot your manners and chances are you’ll never do that again because you actually respect me very much.” Would you recommend your little sister make that call?
I think your standards are a little too high here.
Is expecting a 25–year-old guy to not argue with me Like. A. Child. because I don’t want to go home with him after one date too high a standard? God I hope not, but if it is then yes mine are too high and yours are way too low.
There are just a lot of things guys have to do right, and it can be very challenging to hit them all on the long path towards winning your affection.
Acknowledged, but NOT doing what this guy did doesn’t seem like it should make that list of things too challenging to hit along the path of winning my affection. When a girl presents a very valid reasons why she isn’t going home with you don’t argue with her for many embarrassing minutes and you’ll be that much further down the long path.
If you look at the exchange, you’ll notice that you never gave him any indication that you wanted to go home with him. Perhaps if you had started one of your refusals with “I would love to go home with you, but…” it would have given him the reassurance that he was on the right track with you, but it just wasn’t going to happen that night mostly because of logistical reasons.
Right — I can see how that would have made him feel better about himself, but see I wouldn’t have loved to have gone home with him. I didn’t actually want to at all – for both logistical and personal reasons. I don’t think I should have to have loved to go home with him.
More importantly, I realize that to him my refusal maybe read , “uh oh, this girl might not be into me”, but to me his insistence read, “this guy just wants to fuck me.” Which is worse?
You’re underestimating the absolute destruction that occurs in the man’s brain when the “getting laid” rug is pulled out from underneath him.
Yep – I know. I could tell by the way the exchange went that it had maybe 10% to do with him being self-conscious about whether or not my “no” meant I didn’t like him and 100% (yeah, I know) to do with him being pissed he wasn’t going to get laid.
And finally: Can we get an epilogue on this? Did you ever talk to him again??
Nope. He didn’t call me, and I didn’t want to call him.
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I was really surprised at the number of comments saying you were too hard on him. I’m glad you posted this!
Your best response has to do with “not expecting to get laid.” Since when did anything, no matter how hard someone tried, translate into an obligation to f*ck somebody? One of your first blog posts dealt with this idea of expectations, and it’s a theme you touch on often. Dinner, a movie, a gift of a diamond-studded dog collar with matching leash, none of it means “I’m going home with you.” The act of being nice and chivalrous is an end in itself. You do it because it’s a good thing to do (if you believe in that). And hooking up is a separate situation, one that can’t be expected no matter how nice you are.
Although, it really doesn’t hurt a guy’s chances if he opens a door, pays for a meal, makes a phone call every once in a while… but it’s never ok to whine and beg.
T = Tantrum thrower
Jessie–you are totally 100% in the right on this nonsense. Lets be honest its better to find out that he is a 5 year old now then later and why would you want to start a relationship being badgered into bed by a douche with a chivalrous facade.
I think you win by never seeing him again!
You were the jerk. Sorry, hun.
he’s the jerk. sorry, Anon #1.
Jessie — your blog (but especially this post-chain) prove that we single ladies are not as clueless/retarded/etc as we’re often made out to be — your shared experiences serve as wise lessons — ever consider a spin-off relationship advice column? — i think you’d be fabulous . . .
Even if I wanted to sleep with a guy, if his mentality was, “You owe me now”, I’d probably change my mind. In my opinion, a sense of entitlement is one of the worst qualities a person can have – in any situation. Awesome responses.
BML – re: a spin-off relationship advice column – YES. Know anyone who needs one written ;)…
A guy whining for sex? Not a turn on in the slightest. Rather, it’s so repulsive it makes me cringe. Ugh. Thanks for responding to these ridiculous comments Jessie!
I’m smiling! Bravo for the respect that you just “laid” down for all women. Entitlement and sex stopped being permitted in the same sentence when people refused arranged marraiges. No question about who the jerks are…hun.
This situation wasn’t black and white. Drunken exchanges inevitably lead to misunderstandings.
And blogs are posted publicly to be read. Readers comment. Attacking the diction of your readers? That’s petty and defensive.
I suggest you stop drinking with romantic prospects if you plan to crucify them for drunken mistakes.
I am literally shocked at some of these responses. Jessie, I FULLY agree with everything you wrote, in this post and the original post.
Meredith, just as commenters are welcome to disagree with Jessie’s public comments, she’s completely entitled to respond to their public responses in any way that she chooses.
Oh, and as for the “drunken mistakes” comment? Inviting her home and then complaining once, maybe. But a prolonged whining session – not okay no matter how much he had to drink. And if he really was that drunk, that’s another strike against him in my book.