Sos to bring this week’s improptu series on chivalry (thank you Steve Harvey) full circle — a short story:
Two Friday’s ago I met a nice guy with nice stats (solid job, good education, really nice plaid button-down) out watching March Madness basketball (which, much like that Summer Olympics thing, presents a real opportunity…). We spent the evening talking and getting to know each other with an obvious undertone of flirting. After the game he asked me to come to the next bar to meet and hang out with his friends.
- “I’m headed to ______ to meet up with some friends,” he said, “I’d love if you came.”
- “Yes,” I said — then turned to Katie and repeated what he’d just asked in what I believed to be a whisper…
I went. We had a blast. He kindly paid for drinks. He politely focused on me and not his friends all night. He then asked for my number, said he’d call me to grab dinner next week, kissed me goodnight and put me in a cab home.
He called the next day to see how I was, we chatted, it was nice. He called again Monday to set up dinner for Thursday.
- “Okay, so I’ll pick you up at 8,” he said.
- “Um…pick me up where?” I said.
- “Um, at your apartment?…” he said.
- “Oh — wow — no one’s ever offered that,” was my reply.
And all of the baker’s dozen people I repeated that convo to agreed — this guy was a “real man.”
A+
We had a fantastic dinner. It included all the traditional things you imagine a first date including: Fun resaurant he picked based on a favorite food I’d mentioned. Drinks prior. Interesting convo during. No expenses spared. Hand hold and kiss on the corner after. Walk all the way home. And then, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, “we should get together to watch the Friday night games.”
No. Not yet. He calls. Keep reading.
So we get together to watch the games as discussed. My friends are there. His friends are there. We’re having a fun time. I have a black tie wedding the next morning, so I’m taking it easier on the Stellas than everyone else, which becomes important.
Around 12:30 I decide it’s time to pack it in. I’m exhausted and have that black tie the very next morning, as mentioned. Then — this:
- Me: Okay, I’m going to head home so I can get a good night’s sleep before the wedding
- Him: No, I want you to come home with me.
- Me Inside My Head: Good to know he’s definitely into this…
- Me: AAww – I know – but I can’t because I need to leave early tomorrow.
- Him: Whatever just come and you can go home early tomorrow.
- Me: Nooo, I really can’t tonight, I’m sorry.
- Him: Come oooonnnn (think 8 year old whining)
- Me Inside My Head: REallllyy dude?! I mean…really?!!
- Me: Listen, no, because of the wedding but now also NO because just no. Not tonight.
- Him: Come ‘on – I thought you had a good time last night.
- Me Inside My Head: And there we have it…
- Me: I did, but that doesn’t mean I have to go home with you.
- Him: Well, whatever — just come!
This went on for several back and forths until I finally said, “listen — I’m going to my apartment now — no, you can’t come, so don’t ask again.” To which he replied, “Fine, are you going to call me?”
Here is where I made my error. I said, “Yeah, sure.” It was akward, he was drunk, I was annoyed — so I just said “sure.” But what I should have said was this:
No, probably not because you just argued with me like a child about going home with you on the very second time we’ve ever hung out using the fact that you bought me dinner as leverage. That was tacky and immature, which is a shame because you seemed like a real man.
I’ve been kicking myself for not saying that all week, but I’ve decided it wouldn’t have made any difference. He is 100% crying “bitch” re: our short-lived courting period and here I am crying “douche.”
So the moral of the story is simply this: chivalry, for all its good, runs the risk of creating a pig-in-lipstick situation. Please receive it with caution. And please give it without expecting what this guy apparently did…
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It’s our short-term investment culture at work again. He puts in the time over two dates (and quality time it was), but doesn’t value the long-term, or at least mid-to-three-dates-term, investment.
Whining is never ok for guys. But did you actually call him?
I think you’re being a bit harsh on this guy. I’ve had more nights than I care to admit where my desire to “go home with” someone won out over my better judgment (read: desire to impose a 3 date rule) after more than a few drinks. In fact, that’s what happened with my current, wonderfully chivalrous boyfriend of multiple years.
Maybe he goofed. Maybe he’s regretted his mistake ever since and has been too ashamed to make contact. Given his prior A+ behavior, I wouldn’t be so quick to label it as a fast food romance and him as a douche. I’d see if what appeared to be a douchey sense of entitlement was a personality trait or just a drunken mistake.
You’re being too hard on him. He assumed the third date rule was in effect, you welched.
Yeah, I’ll be honest, I gotta go with Meredith here. I can usually get on board with your point of view, but you’re talking about a guy who made one mistake, while intoxicated, after doing *everything* correctly for a solid week, right? As Meredith said, he might be too ashamed to make contact again given the way you reacted and the short time he’s known you.
Also, from a dude’s point of view, I guess I can only speak for myself, but I’m pretty sure every guy’s been there. Drunk, wanting to hook up, thinking he’s gonna get to, and then seeing those thoughts quashed in front of his eyes, leading to an immature display of disappointment. Doesn’t mean he’s not into you long term. Doesn’t mean that was the *only* thing he was after.
I just feel like I gotta throw a flag on this one. I think your standards are a little too high here. Nobody’s perfect.
Full disclosure: this is coming from someone who’s engaged to be married and has absolutely pulled the “whining” maneuver with his current and past girlfriends, sometimes with a side dish of “dinner leverage.”
and there i thought you had landed yourself a stellar guy… but this chivlary posts you’ve got going on here is very interesting. while the whole equality thing probably killed chivlary theory might be somewhat true in a way, i think the main reason guys aren’t like that is just simply ‘coz he didn’t like you enough. i like to think that if he really did like you enough, he would try everything in his power to be the sweetest person on earth. unfortunately like in this case, guys don’t always seem to have the most patience to win you over proper.
Of course I disclaim this with not knowing all the details, but I’m gonna have to side with my man Sneen on this one. There are just a lot of things guys have to do right, and it can be very challenging to hit them all on the long path towards winning your affection. In your defense, however, even the abridged, blog version of this him-drunk/you-sober exchange was excruciating, so I can only imagine how awful it must have been as a live participant. So it’s hard to blame you if you stick to your guns on this one. I would say, though, that you should think of it like a chess match (original, I know): there are many intricate moves to be made throughout a match, but even if you fuck up one one or two here and there, it doesn’t mean you can’t still win. I’d say give him a second chance to show you he’s not a 12-year-old. Finally, crude or not, I also think you’re underestimating the pure crushery it is to think 100% that you’re getting laid only to then have it all vanish in one casual “OK, I’m gonna head home, talk to you soon?”
Thinking more about this and looking over the infamous conversation again, I feel even more strongly about what I said in my comment above. I’ll give the same disclaimer as my boy Thush – I’m going entirely based on what you’ve written here; that is, I’m assuming the exact words written are the exact words that were spoken.
If you look at the exchange, you’ll notice that you never gave him any indication that you wanted to go home with him (if, in fact, you did want to, even eventually). Perhaps if you had started one of your refusals with “I would love to go home with you, but…” it would have given him the reassurance that he was on the right track with you, but it just wasn’t going to happen that night mostly because of logistical reasons. It’s possible that he was seeking that reassurance. It’s also possible he’s just an immature dick, but I’m just arguing that you shouldn’t disqualify him based solely on this exchange. Viewed in this light, it’s also possible that his “dinner leverage” line was actually more a seeking of confirmation that you did have a good time and that he’s on the right track with you than an overt quid pro quo.
I’d also echo Thush’s point about your underestimating the absolute destruction that occurs in the man’s brain when the “getting laid” rug is pulled out from underneath him. Wires get crossed. Circuits short out. I’m actually surprised he held it together as well as he did, given how drunk he was – I’ve done far worse.
Either way, can we get an epilogue on this? Did you ever talk to him again?
Wow, I’ll take this post is a warning against dating anyone with a dating blog. Poor guy is getting a bum rap here, IMO. God forbid he wants to take things to the next level after a several dates, was probably too drunk to play it smooth, so you discard him and subject him to ridicule? Harsh…
to everyone here: tif you know what you want out of a guy /girl – why should you settle for anything less?
nobody is perfect, but if your standards include things like a standard “3-date rule,” sexual entitlement, and dismissing someone’s actions because of some alcohol – then have fun in your own slut world and don’t try to pretend you have the self-confidence to both know what you want and not settle for less.