I recently overheard three women having a conversation about a guy one of them was dating. Apparently the guy had broken off an engagement – his engagement. I’m not fully clear on the details, but from what I could gather his fiance had done something wrong and he’d decided to leave her.
“MMmm,” said one woman, “bad sign…”
“I know, right?” said the girl dating this guy, “that’s a lot of baggage.”
“Yep,” said the third, “I’m afraid he’s damaged goods.”
You hear that from time to time — that someone is damaged goods. They were cheated on or suffered the tragic loss of someone or went through some other traumatic life experience. Whatever the issue – they’re now rendered emotionally scarred and therefore unfit to date — too many left over x factors to hypothetically handle.
Naturally our goal is to find someone as of yet undamaged. Someone with life experience, sure. Someone who’s met challenges and overcome them, yes — so long as they’re not the kind of challenges you’re required to reveal the first time you bring him up to the girls. Example:
- You: “So I’m dating a really nice guy I met at the gym…”
- Inner circle: “Wow. Great! Nice. Tell us about him?”
- You: “He’s great, blah blah, really like him, yadda yadda, but I’m just a little nervous because he lost his last girlfriend of seven years in a plane crash…and he was also on the plane.”
See you have to say that. You can’t not say that and then three months later be like, “So it’s the anniversary of the death of Dan’s almost fiance today….” Whereas if he say lost his job two years ago, spent a year unemployed and really depressed but then got a new job and is doing better than ever, you wouldn’t so much have to call that out.
In the first scenario the guy is clearly damaged goods — as we’ve come to know the term. In the second he’s just half of Manhattan — as we’ve come to know it.
But the more I think about it the more I wonder if our whole philosophy around damaged goods is ass backwards.
(from now on I’ll be bolding my “thesis statement” in case you get bored somewhere up top and wonder where the hell this is going)
Think about it this way — I am, so far, fairly undamaged. I haven’t been through one of those things that people feel compelled to bring up when they mention why I should or shouldn’t be dated.
So because I have not yet been through anything that might damage me I’m rendered a clean prospect. I have no lost major points out of any one category.
But what this also means is that I have zero sense of how I might react to any and all elements that might render me damaged. I’d like right now to say that if I lose someone close to me I would be devastated but remain strong and move on with my life. But that is in no way tested. It is entirely possible that should I love someone close to me I will go completely insane and have to be institutionalized. Or what if I suddenly became very sick with some disease I really had to fight? I intend to handle that with courage, persistence, and strength, but whose to say I don’t just completely lose my shit? Seems equally likely.
So I think my complete lack of experience with elements that might leave me damaged actually makes me less safe of a dating prospect than had I been through something particularly traumatic. In that scenario I would already be on the other side of it — already know how it was going to affect me and what I’d need to do moving forward. I could say to someone, “listen, I went through this really terrible thing but I got help and I’m working on it every day” whereas now I generally say nothing but should probably disclose that I’m wildly close to my family and if anything ever happens to any of them I can’t be held accountable for what I do and who I become…
You see the logic.
As such – I plan to go a little easier on the damaged goods pile. Because that that that that that don’t kill us can only make us stronger.
That said – as a further precaution I think I’ll start to pepper in a few questions in early-on dates regarding hypothetical emotional response – example:
- “So the other day I dreamt that I found out someone I love was terminally ill, but in my dream I joined a support group and was very open about it with family and friends. Have you ever had that dream? Can you describe how you might react in that same scenario?”
*It’s Danity Kane…Damaged video (John, I know at least you knew…)
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i totally get your logic. i feel that since i haven’t really had much experiences (traumatic or otherwise), i’m probably the one who is more “damaged” than the supposed damaged goods.