Hi! You’ve reached my (beloved) former blog. Come find me & my current work at JessieRosen.com

A heavy phrase for thought*

March 19, 2009

It used to be so easy…

March 19, 2009

Match Men: episode one

March 19, 2009

Many people have inquired about the progress of my experience with match.com since I joined a few weeks ago. I don’t really want to tell you because it makes me feel awkward.

Instead I’ve decided to vaguely share the details of the various men with whom I’ve corresponded (but then obv. discarded) through a paradoy of the hit AMC show Mad Men because re-writing television shows with faux characters written to represent the men I’m talking to on an online dating site makes me feel less awkward.
This is…Match Men.
INT. THE OFFICE OF AN AD AGENCY, DAY

One, Two, Tres and Three-and-a-Half are sitting around a conference table staring blankly at some oddly shapen plastic product.

One: I feel like it’s one of those mo-bile devices but I can’t be sure because I’m too old to know what that means…

Two: Yeah – I’m old and unemployed, so if it’s newer than four months ago I’m out.

Tres: I’m not old, I’m only confused because I no really speak English….

Three-and-a-Half: Yo you guys like the Phillies or the Yanks?

One: Yanks

Two: Eh, I don’t really do sports.

Tres: What is it this means?

One: All sports?

Two: Yeah – I live in Williamsburg – we just don’t as a general rule.

Three-and-a-half: Cool.

(Three-and-a-half falls asleep)

Two: Maybe we should call some people to come in and help us?

Tres: Hm, is tricky, I have to offer only mi very cute dog, mi abuela, and a small baby who may or may not be mine…

Two: I can throw in an entire softball team and two girls I may-or-may-not still be dating. Would that work?

One: Hhmmm – I believe the only thing we have to fear is fear itself…

Two: I’m sorry?

One: I’m just saying – if we shoot for the moon on this at least we’ll land among the stars…

Two: Flight of the Concords?

One: No…um, Kennedy…

Two: Jamie?

One: Um, J.F.?!?!

Two: Yeah…I don’t know…I think those are Arcade Fire lyrics…

Tres: Why is it we have to figure this out today. Why not we take it slow, think a little, have a drink…two drinks…

(Three-and-a-half wakes up abruptly)

Three-and-a-half: Yo, where do you guys like to go drinking?

Two: I mostly just smoke pot.

One: Depends on the night. I can be a lounge and wine guy or a gold old-fashioned pub guy. Sometimes I’m just in the mood for a nice Scotch enjoyed on the patio attached to my one-bedroom in the West Village — the night is really what you make it…where do you like to go drinking?

Tres: To go to drinking? Is this what the people in this city go to do?…

Three-and-a-half: Cool. Me too.

(Three-and-a-half gets up and walks out of the room.)

Two: Alright – we’re no where. Let’s go take a break and do something to relax.

One: Okay like enjoy some cigars at this very unknown spot in NoLiTa where I’ve become close to the owner and often throw gatherings with great friends?

Two: No, like grab a Colt 45 and walk around Prospect Park doing some leaf rubbings with charcoal pencils.

Tres: I no know how to do either of this things. I think we take a nap.

(a buxom secretary walks into the conference room carrying a tray and small pad of paper. Two begins feverishly winking in her general direction.)

One: Well hello – aren’t you a site for sore eyes…

(Three-and-a-half runs in from off stage and plants himself directly in front of the secretary)

Three-and-a-half: Miller lite please.

END SCENE

3 comments

  3. hahahahaha this made me giggle 😛 We could actually make a match movie lol it’s better than what hollywood comes up with these days anyways.
    I was so hoping my hope in match would be ignited but this has just given me more cause for concern =/ I am just going to die alone. I’m not even ugly or fat, maybe it’s because I’m not a buxom bimbo either? That’s what men like these days isn’t it…skinny with huge boobs. It’s just not natural! 🙁 I miss the days of curves.

Comments are closed.