Almost hurts to read…a slap-you-obvious question you know you can’t answer – one along the lines of “can you ever really know a person?”, or “when is it time to walk away?” Those you hear often enough though– this one felt less cliché and painfully more honest.
Strangely it wasn’t the first time that same themed issue came up last week.
On Monday I’d had a long conversation with a good guy friend going through a bad break up. The gist is that he never felt she was returning that same love and investment that he freely gave. Her actions didn’t verify her care.
This guy is a 110% guy – no matter the focus (family, career, relationship) he’s all in, all the time. He doesn’t date around for the sake of it – if he’s going to be with someone he’s going to really, fully be with them.
He’d decided to end it because he wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to give him what he wanted — what he was giving her. His position was very clear – he told her what he needed and she didn’t, at the moment, have an answer. She didn’t, as he’d hoped say, “yes, I want to work on being better at loving you.”
After several weeks of little to no contact she came back — wanted to give “them” another try — wanted to learn how to do things at his level. It was what he’d wanted to hear all along, but now after this time and her initial non-decision decision, he wasn’t sure how he felt. He wasn’t sure if he could ever have the verification that she wouldn’t revert back to that place of not making her love clear.
verify — (v.)– meaning to prove the truth of by evidence or testimony.
Could she ever prove the truth of her feelings? Not if his truth was different than hers. And not if he wasn’t sure what evidence he needed to prove it…
The very next day I grabbed a drink with another male friend who was prepping to break up with someone he’d been seeing. They’d been what I’d term “casually dating” since last November — seeing each other once, maybe twice a week — talking but only really to set up their next “date” — incorporating each other into their lives, but on the friend and definitely not family level.
Just before Valentine’s Day she’d brought up the fact that it was Valentine’s Day to my friend as if perhaps he’d forgotten. He explained that having just gotten out of a serious relationship he wasn’t ready to make this as official as V-day dinner –verification if ever there was some…
But she decided that was just fine — that even though this man had proven that he didn’t like her enough to eat dinner with her on Valentine’s Day after nearly five months of dating she’d, “rather have him in her life than out of it.”
He spoke his truth. He provided ample evidence — she didn’t care.
We live in an almost constant state of wondering how X person feels about us. “I think he has a thing for me, but I’m not sure…” – or “I could swear there’s something going on between us but he doesn’t make a move” or, “it’s been four months and I still can’t tell where he/she stands on this relationship…”
I’ve personally been in the position of needing someone to verify their feelings for me more than once. One time I think I flat out asked. Another time I took the let-me-tell-you-how-I-feel-and-hope-you-just-say-“me too” approach. Both times I absolutely knew the answer before I asked slash told.
And so I answered that one-line question with a two-line answer:
you don’t.
it should just be clear.
*tomorrow back to the light stuff
Great point Jessie! I completely agree! While there is the rare emotionally-challenged person who just can’t express what they’re feeling, 99% of the time, it is completely obvious whether the person really cares about you. Actions speak louder than words.
I think that constant state of “wondering” is often just thinly veiled denial — and it’s a denial I’ve both witnessed and experienced first hand. This post may be heavy, but it’s spot on.
My friend directed me to your blog — great stuff!
I was like the girl in the “casually dating” relationship you mentioned. I was seeing this guy for a year, and it was the same event — Valentine’s Day — that I finally realized what was obvious to everyone else. He simply did not care for me like I cared for him. I haven’t seen him since, and it sucks, but I know better now.
Anyway, great blog! Your insights are great.